


Running

by Hayfieldmc



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: F/M, Jealousy, M/M, Self-Harm, Smut, affair
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-23
Updated: 2015-10-17
Packaged: 2018-03-19 07:15:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 56,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3601068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hayfieldmc/pseuds/Hayfieldmc
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aaron's guilt about Katie's death has driven a wedge between him and Robert. Despite their better judgement they both seem unable to forget about one another. When a certain truth is revealed, will Aaron and Robert find a way back to one another or will it truly be the end of their passionate affair?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story takes place after the episode of 23-03-2015. This is my version of events.

Aaron ran. His feet carried him over the dry ground, taking him further mile after mile. It was like the only way out of his head. The only way to stop feeling, to stop hurting. He couldn’t cry, couldn’t scream, couldn’t even get mad. It was his fault. He’d messed up. He’d messed up so bad. Katie was dead. And it was his fault. Everybody thought that it had been an accident, but it hadn’t. He’d gotten her into that old farm. If he hadn’t only thought about his own feelings. His own goddamn petty anger towards Robert, nothing would have happened. Robert would still have married Chrissie, they would still be over. But that way Katie would still be alive.

It was his fault.

All of it.

But the worst of it, the thing that disgusted him more than anything was the fact that he still wanted him. He still wanted Robert. More than anything he wanted to feel his warm body press against his. He wanted Robert to kiss him, to fuck him. To take his mind and body apart like he did every time when they were together. He missed that complete feeling of freedom when he was with Robert. That feeling of belonging and complete calmness of his mind. Usually he just felt angry and up fronted with the world. But being with Robert took that feeling away. Robert made him forget. And he needed that, more than anything, he needed that.

But that was the exact reason he couldn’t be with Robert anymore.

He didn’t deserve that. Didn’t deserve that moment of happiness. Katie was dead. Andy had lost the love of his life. They couldn’t be happy and that meant he couldn’t be happy either.

And he didn’t have the illusion that Robert and him would ever work out anyway. To Robert he was nothing but a warm body. He’d said as much on his wedding day. In the end Robert would always choose Chrissie. And he couldn’t deal with that. He wanted Robert, all of him. And he knew he would never have that. So he’d rather have none.

His breathe was leaving his body in angry puffs. He felt his heart hammering in his chest and the drought in his throat. His eyes were beginning to feel watery and his sight was starting to become unclear.

He knew he needed to stop. He’d pushed his body over the edge already and if he went on he might lose consciousness.

He pushed his feet even harder down on the ground and took a sprint towards the scrapyard.

More.

He needed more.

It wasn’t enough. His mind was still running in circles.

He still thought of Katie, of Andy, of Robert.

The image of Katie falling entered his mind once again.

Stop.

He knew he hadn’t actually been there when it happened, but his nightmares had provided him with enough clear images.

He could hear her scream, her voice broken and scared.

Stop.

He ran faster and faster, till his feet barely touched the ground.

Her body flying through the air

Aaron squeezed his eyes shut. He felt nauseous, but still he went on. He needed to go on.

Her broken body on the floor, blood dripping out of her skull. Andy’s cries as he held his dead wife in his arms for the final time.

Stop. Please make it stop.

His skin felt too tight, his lungs to small. There was not enough air. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. There was a pounding in his head and everything looked unclear.

He pushed his feet forward as he ran on, as he reached the one thing he needed right now.

The perfect silence of his mind. No memories. No thoughts.

No Katie.

No Andy.

No Robert.

Those few precious seconds that made the whole run worth it. Complete silence.

But it never lasted long enough, as Aaron blinked his eyes again, he knew he’d reached his limit. He came to a sudden halt as he bent forward. He sank to his knees as his body cramped together. His breakfast came up and he retched at the side of the road. His body heaving. He bent forward and pulled his knees against his body. He breathed through his mouth and sat there waiting till his heart calmed down and his breathing returned to a more normal rate. It took a long time. More so every day.

Not before long all the thoughts returned and with them the same feelings of shame, guilt and longing.

He slowly got off of the ground and forced himself to take a few steps. He felt completely broken and barely managed to keep himself upright. Slowly he made his way back to Emmerdale. He needed to take a shower and get a few hours of sleep before the need to run took over again.

xXx

“I don’t care how you do it. Just make sure that it’s done by the end of the day or you will have a whole lot of more trouble. Do you understand me?! Another mistake like this and you won’t have a job to return to tomorrow.”

Robert hang up before the woman on the other end of the line had any change to answer. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. Sometimes he wondered if there were any capable employees in this world. It seemed that they needed him to spell out every little thing and somehow they still managed to mess things up. Calling it frustrating was naming it lightly.

He grabbed his half empty mug from the counter and just finished the last of his coffee as Chrissie entered the kitchen area. “Morning honey,” she said as she walked towards him and gave him a quick kiss.

Robert simply grunted, his mind still on the problems at work and the day laying ahead of him.

"You've got any plans for today?” she asked. He could clearly hear the underlying demand. Do you have the chance to spend the day with me? Which he really didn’t. There were a lot of things that needed his attention and spending the day with Chrissie wasn’t his priority. And if he was completely honest he didn’t really feel like spending time with her anyway. Not right now.

A pang of frustration entered his mind. There was somebody else he would like to spend the day with, but he knew he couldn’t anymore. He wanted Aaron and it frustrated him that he couldn’t have him.

And those feelings of frustration and want, frustrated him even more. It angered him to no end that anyone could have that kind of influence over him. He’d never needed anybody in his life. He was independent and prided himself for being able to fix his own problems, to never need anybody. He didn’t have the need for anybody’s approval or admiration. All he’d ever cared about were his own opinions and needs. Not to say that he didn’t care for other people, but he didn’t need them the way most people seemed to need others. He’d never had a problem cutting lose ties with people that didn’t provide him with any kind of advantage or fulfill certain needs.

He'd had one night’s stands in the past. Slept with men and woman. Before Chrissie he pretty much slept with whomever he wanted whenever he wanted. Cause that’s what all those people were to him, a means to an end. A way to attain his needs.

With Aaron it had been different. He’d found that sleeping with him once didn’t fulfill that flaming desire that had been burning inside his mind ever since he’d first laid eyes upon the younger man. No, the first time he’d fucked him only seemed to have increased that deep craving. He kept on wanting him. Something made him come back to Aaron time and time again.

From the beginning of their affair he’d known it was a big mistake. Ever since the start of his relationship with Chrissie he’d made sure never to sleep with another man more than once. He’d made sure to keep it simple and away from home. Anything to keep Chrissie from finding out about his extramarital activities.

But with Aaron he’d crossed his own boundaries and rules over and over again. He’d told himself time and time again that he’d to end whatever it was they were doing. But every time he’d given himself a reason to continue. Every time he’d told himself to break it off later. But he never had. He continued seeing Aaron despite his better judgement. Up until the point where Aaron had made it clear to him that they were truly over and done with.

Yet the younger man remained on Robert’s mind like a fever he couldn’t shake.

Robert shrugged, getting out of his chair as he placed his mug on the counter. “I’ve got work to do,” he answered Chrissie shortly.

Chrissie pushed away her plate and pulled out her pleading face. “Ah, Robert please. We just got married, but it feels like we haven’t spent any time together since. Can’t you take the day off?”

Robert could feel his irritation starting to grow and before he could stop himself he’d snapped: “I said no. I don’t have the time, not right now. Not with everything going on.”

“Fine,” she said, her tone of voice hurt and disappointed. She sat herself down at the breakfast table and steadily avoided his gaze. “You do what you have to do. I’ll be fine.”

Robert sighed silently, annoyed, but also feeling guilty all of a sudden. He knew he hadn’t been the greatest of husbands lately. With everything going on with Andy and Katie’s death, he’d failed to pay much attention to his newlywed. This should be the start of a wonderful live together, but instead he managed to worry and care more for all the other important people in his life.

“You know what,” he said, his voice indulgently. “How about we go out tonight? Have a nice dinner and spend the evening together? Just the two of us.”

Chrissie looked up at him, pursing her lips. He could tell she was considering his offer.

“Fine,” she said after a short moment, a smile playing at her lips. “You better make it worth my while.”

He walked over to his wife and caressed her cheek with his right hand. “You’ve have my word,” he murmured before grabbing his bag and heading off to work.

xXx

It had been a long day. Sometimes you had one of those days where nothing was going your way and everybody seemed to be against you. Today had been one of those days. Robert was tired and irritated. In addition he’d been dreading his evening with Chrissie. Normally he always looked forward to a quiet evening in with her, but right now he didn’t feel like spending time with her. He didn’t want to have to listen to her whining about Lachlan all evening. Yet he knew it was important that he spend more time with his wife because lately he really had been neglecting her.

Initially he’d planned to return home right away, but as he drove his Audi into the village, he decided to stop by the store first to buy a bottle of wine for the evening he had planned.

He parked his car at the edge of the village and walked across the cobblestones toward the store. In his mind he was already planning the upcoming evening with Chrissie. Ever since their wedding day he could count the times they had had sex on one hand. Sex kept a relationship alive and maybe it would help him to focus his mind on something other than the brown haired man who made the most beautiful sounds when laying beneath Robert.

Just then Aaron came running into view and it seemed he was running Robert’s way. As far as Robert could tell Aaron hadn’t seen him yet. He had his head bowed down and earphones in his ears. He seemed lost to the world around him. Robert couldn’t help but stare at his flexing muscles. Dressed in black jogging pants and a thin shirt he looked anything but innocent. Sweat dripped down his body causing his shirt to stick to his skin in the most obscene way.

Before he realized he wanted to say anything he’d called out Aaron’s name.

Aaron looked up at the sound of his name and just managed to avoid bumping into Robert. He came to a sudden halt, about 20 inches apart from Robert. His pupils were dilated and his chest was working hard to get enough air into his lungs. His eyes found Robert’s and an emotion Robert couldn’t place passed Aaron’s features.

For a moment they stood in the twilight, in the stillness of the early evening. Aaron's gaze on Robert and Robert looking right back. Aaron opened his mouth as if to say something, but after a moment he closed his mouth again and turned around, moving in the direction of the pub.

The sound of his moving footsteps deceased and Robert found himself standing on his own again. For a moment he hesitated, knowing that he’d to go back home, to Chrissie, who was waiting for him.

Instead he turned around and followed Aaron’s footsteps in their wake.


	2. Chapter 2

Aaron had planned to go for a long run and drink something in the pub after he’d taken a shower, but after bumping into Robert outside, he didn’t feel like doing either of those things. All the pent up energy he usually trusted into running, had completely left him upon the sight of Robert. So instead of going for his third run that day he went home. 

But not through the pub this time. He didn’t feel like having to talk to anyone, especially Chas or Paddy. He knew they were starting to become worried about his obsessive running. At first they had encouraged him, after months of barely exercising at all, they had seemed to find it a good way for him to spend his time, and they’d seemed to think that it would help him get over Robert. But as days turned into weeks they had realized that his running behavior had become obsessive and that he was taking it out of proportion. 

The only funny thing about the whole situation was that they seemed to think that he was running to get over Robert. 

If only they knew the true reason behind his behavior. 

In less than five minutes he reached the house and got in through the front door as to avoid the pub, and the people in it. 

He closed the door behind him and for a moment he stood in the darkness of the hall. He tried to make out any noise, but it seemed that he was alone for now. Which suited him just fine. 

He got into the kitchen to pour himself a glass of water and gulped it down. The water doing little to calm his nerves after seeing Robert. Which seemed stupid, but he couldn’t make his feelings disappear. Something about the man, always left Aaron with a feeling of unease. He couldn’t really explain it, but he figured it had something to with the fact that Robert was so unpredictable. Usually Aaron had no problem reading people. Most of the time they acted the way Aaron expected them too. He wasn’t wrong often. But with Robert he found he couldn’t predict whatever the man was thinking, let alone do. 

It was like he was faced with a complete different language. One he hadn’t stumbled across before. It was something that had drawn him in from the beginning. That thrill of not knowing what he could expect, of not knowing whatever Robert would do next. After Jackson’s death he’d found that the world had turned blank and his life had been lacking any higher purpose. He’d moved on, but something had been missing from his life. Until he’d met Robert.

And even though going behind Chrissie’s back all those months had left a bad taste in his mouth, it hadn’t been enough to discourage him from going back for more. Cause being with Robert had made him feel alive. Robert had brought that thrill of excitement back into his life.

Aaron just passed through the hall again, to go upstairs and take a shower, when he heard a knocking on the front door. 

Sighing, he made his way down the few stairs he’d already climbed and opened the door.  
He was greeted by the unwelcome sight of Robert. Again. 

“What do you want?” he snapped, irritated for no other reason than it being Robert standing on his porch and the unwanted shiver of want at seeing him. He immediately pushed those feelings down, telling himself it were just remains of all the times they had been together.

Robert, seemingly unfazed by the unkind tone, said: “Since you didn’t even give me the chance to say hello earlier, I thought I’d come by and do it anyway.”

“Well, you’ve done it. So you can go now,” Aaron grunted, already moving to close the door, but before he’d the chance Robert pushed him aside and barged in. Aaron turned to face him, his irritation now folded into anger. “What the hell are you doing? You can’t just barge in here.”

Robert smirked, arcing an eyebrow. “Well the fact that I’m actually inside right now proves otherwise.”

Aaron rolled his eyes, despite himself amused. “Robert-“

“I just came to talk,” Robert interrupted, his voice taking on a softer tone. 

Aaron simply shook his head. “I’ve got nothing to say to you.” But he did close the door behind him, entering the kitchen once more, fully aware that Robert wouldn’t leave him alone before he’d said whatever he wanted to say. He knew he could try to make Robert leave, but it seemed easier to simply let him talk. He heard the soft footsteps of Robert follow him into the kitchen. 

For a moment Aaron thought about sitting down. He was tired and his feet and legs hurt, sitting down seemed rather tempting. But he didn’t want to give Robert that kind of advantage, so decided to keep standing. Robert had too much height on him as it was. 

“Don’t think I don’t know what it is you’re doing.”

Aaron turned to face him, shrugging his shoulders, casually leaning back against the counter. “Apart from avoiding you, you mean?”

Robert took a few steps towards him. “Don’t play stupid, people are worried about you.”

“Right,” Aaron answered, his voice filled with sarcasm. “And I’m guessing you’re one of them. Well don’t worry Robert, I’m fine. And now that we’re being completely honest with each other, I’m indeed avoiding you.”

Robert snorted. “I noticed.”

“Don’t tell me you’re actually bothered.”

Aaron knew it was a long shot, but a part of him hoped that Robert would say that he actually was bothered. That Robert would admit to caring about Aaron. 

“Would it change anything if I did?” Robert returned. 

Aaron duly noted that Robert didn’t actually deny his words, before he slowly shook his head. “I guess not.”

Robert cocked his head to the side, his eyes solemnly focused on Aaron. Aaron shivered and turned away under Robert’s piercing gaze, suddenly aware of what he must look like in Robert’s eyes. His sweaty body and the barely fitting sweatpants. He was anything but an attractive appearance. Additionally, his body was quickly cooling down now that he was no longer exercising. It was an uncomfortable feeling, and he wished he’d had the chance to take a shower before Robert knocked on the door. It shouldn’t matter to him, since he and Robert were a thing of the past, but he still wanted to look at his best for Robert. It was a feeling he’d never experienced before, and it irritated him immensely. Generally he didn’t care about his appearance and what other people would think of it, but Robert seemed to become an exception. 

When it became clear to Aaron that Robert wasn’t going to say anything anytime soon, he snapped: “So is there actually a point to this visit or did you just come here to stare at me?” 

Robert crooked a smile, putting his hands inside the pockets of his jacket. Aaron wondered if Robert was aware of this habit of his. “Well I can’t deny that you’re a pleasure to look at, but you’re right that’s not the reason I came here.”

The compliment did little to calm Aaron’s nerves. It only made him more aware of the way he looked and he scolded himself for the blush that crept upon his cheeks. It was rare that people complimented him. “Then what Robert? What the hell do you want?” His unease made his words sound harsher than he’d intended. 

Robert sighed like he’d rather not speak the words he was about to say. “I know what you’re doing.”  
It wasn’t hard to guess what Robert was talking about and Aaron’s unease disappeared and turned into anger. One word was on repeat in his head. Deny, deny, deny. “What are you talking about?”

“This,” Robert gestured at Aaron. “All the running you’ve been doing. Don’t think I don’t know what it’s really about.”

“I’m not talking with you about this,” Aaron snarled, deciding he was more than done with this conversation. Who the hell did Robert even think he was? Why the hell did he think he’d any right to even have an opinion about the matter? Just because he was the only one that knew the truth about Katie’s dead, didn’t mean he’d right to judge Aaron. Didn’t mean he suddenly had a reason to care. 

He moved towards the door to tell Robert to get out of his house, but before he could pass, Robert had grabbed Aaron’s arm and put him to a halt. Aaron looked up at Robert, trying to pull out of the man’s grip, but Robert was too strong and he couldn’t get Robert to release him. “You’re punishing yourself for what happened to Katie.”

“I don’t know if it slipped your attention, but all I’m doing is training for the marathon.” Aaron moved closer to Robert, which seemed to surprise the taller man, his eyes betraying his confusion. As Aaron had expected Robert’s grip on his arm loosened and Aaron managed to pull away from Robert. 

He needed Robert gone, now. He didn’t want to have this conversation. He could feel his anger boiling, taking the rationality out of his thoughts. Robert needed to leave before Aaron would do something he surely would regret later. Even now he still didn’t want to hurt Robert. 

“We both now that’s just an excuse,” Robert spoke behind him, his voice no longer lacking emotion, but Aaron was too upset to identify them. 

Aaron turned to face him, his anger now clearly showing on his face. He moved his hands in an uncontrolled manner. “Even if it is. It’s none of your goddamn business. So just stay out of it. Stop interfering in my life.”

Robert moved closer to him once again, seemingly unable to realize that Aaron needed to keep some distance between them. “I get that you don’t want anything to do with me. It’s fine. But what you’re doing to yourself. It’s not helping anyone and it’s definitely not going to change anything. She’s dead Aaron.” The last words were barely a whisper. 

Unwanted tears burned behind Aaron’s eyes. “Exactly Robert, she’s dead. Dead!” 

“And what you’re doing…” Robert’s eyes moved over Aaron’s face. “This obsessive need to run, this new way of punishing yourself. That’s really helping? Cause as far as I can tell all it does is harm you.”  
Aaron didn’t realize he’d moved till his face was inches from Robert’s. “Don’t you fucking dare.” 

“What?” 

“Don’t you dare judge me for what I’m doing.” He grabbed the front of Robert’s shirt in his fist, to push him away or to pull him closer, he didn’t really know. He was so close to Robert he could clearly make out the different colors of blue in the man’s eyes, he could almost make out the different emotions shimmering beneath them too. Robert might seem awfully calm about everything, but his eyes betrayed that he wasn’t as unaffected by this conversation as he tried to appear. 

“I’m not-“

He backed away from Robert, letting go of his shirt. His breathing uneven, his blood pounding in ears. “You really don’t get it do you. All of this, it’s my fault. She died because of me. Because of what I did. What did you expect? For me to just be okay with it? That I would just move on and forget it ever happened? Well you know what, that’s just not who I am. I can’t just pretend it didn’t happen, I’m not like you. I just… I can’t,” his voice hitched at the last words and he wiped away the few tears that had escaped his eyes. 

“And you don’t have to, okay. I get it, I do,” Robert paused and his expression changed, his voice taking on a much sharper tone. “But what you’re doing, it isn’t helping anybody.” 

“Why do you even care, Robert? We’re done remember?” Aaron grimaced, his voice bitter. “You don’t have to pretend to care about me anymore.”

“Aaron-”

“Look I get it. You feel some kind of responsibility because you are the only one who knows what really happened. But I’m not your concern. Just go, alright. I want to shower and catch some sleep.”

Aaron moved out of the kitchen and towards the front door. After a beat he heard Robert’s footsteps following him. Aaron pulled open the door and knocked his head to the side, telling Robert to get out without speaking. 

Robert frowned at him, and Aaron wondered what was going on in the man’s head. He decided that he didn’t really want to know. When Robert didn’t make any move to leave, Aaron sighed and said: “Go home to your wife, Robert.” 

Robert licked his lips before he suddenly nodded, seemingly making a decision. “Fine, but this conversation isn’t over.”

After a lingering look Robert passed the thresh hold and disappeared into the darkness of the early evening. 

Aaron closed the door behind him and leaned against it. In the safety of his lonesomeness he ran a hand through his hair and sighed. His anger quickly dissipated and left him with an empty feeling of weariness. 

xXx

He was way too late. He’d wanted to be home around six, but it was close to eight by the time he got home. Chrissie would be pissed. Robert sighed as he put his key in the lock and opened the front door. The room he entered was shrouded in the darkness. Robert placed his car keys on the shelf near the coat rack, where he hung his jacket. His conversation with Aaron kept turning circles in his head. He’d never met anybody that stubborn. And he couldn’t shake the sense of worry about Aaron’s behavior. When he’d confronted Aaron about the running he’d known that Aaron was way too focused on the running for it to be healthy. But only during the conversation had he realized how much Katie’s dead was truly affecting the younger man. Much more than Robert had initially thought. 

If he’d known beforehand what an effect Katie’s dead, and the truth about what had truly occurred that day, would have on Aaron, he would have never involved him in the first place. It hadn’t been his intention to involve Aaron, but at that time he’d panicked and his first instinct had been to call Aaron for help. 

But he couldn’t change what had happened. The best he could hope for was to find a way to stop Aaron from hurting himself further. He just had to figure out a way to do get through to him, cause talking about it obviously hadn’t worked. 

As he entered the kitchen Robert found Chrissie reading a book at the dinner table. She didn’t look up, but he could tell she’d heard him by the stiffening of her back. 

As he walked over to her he said: “Chrissie, I’m so sorry I couldn’t be here earlier. I got held up at work.” The lie easily slipped out of his mouth. It sometimes scared him how much of a second nature it had become to lie to her.

She sighed as she looked up, closing the book after checking the page she was on. “And you couldn’t have called?”

Robert pulled back a chair and sat down opposite of her. “I know. I should have called to let you know I wouldn’t make it in time. It completely slipped my mind. I’m sorry,” he finished, taking her hands to hold them in his own. For good measure he added: “Forgive me?”

Chrissie glanced up at him, searching his face, before smiling tentatively. “Fine, but you have to make it up to me big time.” 

“Promise,” Robert answered, getting out of the chair and walking to the counter. “I’d planned to cook for you, but I guess it’s a little late for that. Do we have any leftovers?”

Robert looked over his shoulder at Chrissie’s laugh. “You cooking? Well that is new.”

Robert leaned over and gave her quick kiss. When he pulled away he answered her grin with one of his own. “Yeah well, maybe there are some things you don’t know about me.”

Chrissie shook her head, still laughing. “Robert, I’m your wife. Do your really think you can keep anything from me?”

Aaron’s face flashed through Robert’s mind, his crooked grin and his shining blue eyes. He gave Chrissie a quick glance. After a beat of silence, he said: “I guess not.”

“Don’t you forget it,” she said, getting out of her chair and walking over to the door. “And to answer your earlier question, there’s still some lasagna in the fridge from yesterday. I’ll go get us some wine.”

Robert watched her go. He couldn’t shake an unfamiliar feeling of unease at her words, but he pushed the feelings down. As he walked over to the fridge he muttered: “Lasagna it is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anybody is interested you can find me on tumblr at: http://hayfieldmc.tumblr.com/


	3. Chapter 3

“How do you feel about going away for the remainder of the week?”

Robert was startled out of his thoughts by the sound of Chrissie's voice. He sat on the couch, slightly slumped, doodling on his phone. He ought to be working, but he couldn’t find the will to do anything useful. As he looked up he found Chrissie leaning against the door, watching him scornfully.

“How do you mean?” he asked. 

“Well you know. I thought it would be nice, you, me, Lucky and dad taking a few days off.”

Robert took his legs off of the couch and sat up. “Where did this suddenly come from?”

Chrissie shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know. I guess it seemed like a good idea, since we didn’t get the chance to go on our honeymoon.”

He absentmindedly ran a hand through his hair, thinking quickly. “I can’t just go. We’ve got work to think about.” 

Chrissie crossed the distance between and sat down next to him. “I know that, but I talked to dad and he said we would manage.”

“Chrissie-“

“What does it matter? Except for work you’ve got no reason to stay behind and work is taken care of. It will be good for us, you know? Some time off from everything that happened. And yesterday was nice.” Chrissie smiled. “Imagine how nice it would be if we got a few days like that.”

Robert looked at her sideways, pondering her words. He didn’t want to go. In his head he could make up the excuse that he didn’t want to leave because of work and while this was partly true, there was another part of him that wanted to stay because of Aaron. Someone needed to help him and it seemed Robert was the only person capable to do so. It was plausible that Aaron would push himself too far at some point and he needed to prevent that from happening. From what he’d seen yesterday, things were way out of hand already. Robert needed to put an end to it before Aaron could do himself any real harm. 

But he could hardly tell Chrissie that his reluctance to leave was because of another man, he may or may not have been sleeping with behind her back. He tried to think of any other excuse to stay behind, but for the first time in ages his mind didn’t come up with anything. Since Chrissie had already sorted out work with Lawrence, he didn’t really have any legit reason to stay behind. 

“It seems like a great idea.” He smiled at her, the smile feeling forced, but she didn’t seem to take notice. She simply smiled back, the smile lighting up her face. “You’re gonna love it,” she said, patting his knee, before getting up and leaving the room. 

“Where are we going anyway?” he called after her, leaning back into the couch. 

“You’ll just have to wait and see,” she answered, her voice muffled due to the distance.

Robert threw his head back on the sofa and sighed. Of course Chrissie had to choose this exact moment to want to go on a holiday. He got why. Everything surrounding their wedding day had been a complete disaster. She deserved to have some time off, to simply enjoy the after-wedding glow they never got a chance to relish in. 

But leaving Aaron behind right now, seemed to be the worst possible mistake. Robert knew that he at least had to talk to Aaron to put his mind at ease that the younger man would be fine while Robert was away. He put his phone back in his pocket and slipped out of the house, after telling Chrissie he was heading off to a meeting. 

xXx

He entered the pub, knowing it was the most likely place to find Aaron. Most of the time it seemed the only things Aaron did was: work, hang around in the pub and run since shortly. On certain moments Robert wondered what Aaron’s life had looked like before him. He’d heard the stories about Jackson’s dead and Aaron moving to France. And of course he’d seen the scars on Aaron’s body, but that was all he knew. Aaron rarely talked about his past. Every time Robert had stirred the conversation in that direction, Aaron had dodged the topic. And despite himself, Robert had let him. The want to push, to probe and ask questions had settled in his body and he rarely denied himself anything he wanted, but he’d sensed from the very start that it was a dangerous territory, so despite his curiosity, he’d let it rest. 

Hadn’t stopped him from wondering every now and then though. 

His eyes immediately found Aaron on the other side of the room. He was sitting with Adam drinking a beer, and by the looks of it, it wasn’t his first. He threw his head back, laughing at something Adam said and Robert frowned, an uncommon pang of jealousy coursing through his body because he wasn’t the one who’d put that smile on Aaron’s face. 

“Hiya Robert, what are you doing here?”

Robert glanced up at the sound of his name, his eyes catching Aaron’s for less than a second, as he also looked up at the sound of Robert’s name, before Robert’s eyes moved on and landed on his sister.

“Vic,” he strolled over and sat down on one of the barstools. “You alright? Can you get me a pint?”

Victoria nodded while tapping him a glass. “I’m good, you know, working hard while my boyfriend over there is being a lazy ass,” she raised her voice on the last bit, making sure Adam heard every single word. 

Adam smirked at her, raising his glass in a mocking toast, for he tipped it back in one big gulp.

Victoria rolled her eyes. “See what I’ve to put up with?” she said. “He’s a complete moron.”

“I can’t disagree with you on that,” Robert answered, grinning. He glanced over his shoulder at Aaron, whose good mood seemed to have disappeared now Robert was here. He was staring in his half empty glass, clearly not paying attention to whatever Adam was saying. When Adam realized he was being ignored, he poked Aaron with his elbow. Aaron scolded at Adam in annoyance as he spoke words too quiet for Robert to overhear.

His attention returned back to Victoria when he felt a smack on his forearm. “You’re not listening to me,” she spat. The expression on her face appeared angry, but he could see the clear amusement underneath. “Am I boring you that much?”

“You never bore me,” he answered honestly. “I was just lost in thought for a moment. What were you saying?”

“I was telling you that you won’t get to enjoy my company for much longer cause my shift ends…” She took a quick look at her watch. “… Right about now.”

“Are you seriously leaving me on my own, right now?” Robert pulled his face into a saddened expression. “I’m very disappointed. I have no idea how I’m supposed to manage.” Robert pulled his arm away just before she’d the chance to give his arm another smack. 

Victoria shook her head, pursing her lips together in an attempt to hide her smile. “You should be. I’m a pleasure to be around, but I’m meeting some friends so I suppose you have to find someone else to entertain you.”

“I believe that’s gonna be quite hard for him since he doesn’t really have any friends.” Robert glanced sideways at the sound of that all too familiar voice. Aaron stood next to him, two empty glasses in his hands, clearly there for a refill. He wanted to snap at Aaron for being rude, but as he looked at him, he saw the small smile on Aaron’s face, turning the corners of his mouth upwards in barely noticeable mirth. Robert found his anger dissolve in amusement as it became clear to him that Aaron was just mocking him. 

Before he’d the chance to speak, Victoria said: “Aaron don’t be unkind. Robert has friends.” A gleam appeared in her eyes as she leaned forward. In a quieter voice, as if she was informing him of a secret, she added: “just not that many.”

Robert arched his eyebrows in fake disbelieve. “Thanks for that Vic. I’m glad I didn’t buy you a birthday present just yet.” Next to him he could hear the quiet laugh of Aaron and a warm feeling settled low in Robert’s stomach. 

Victoria’s eyes widened. “Wait, what? I take back everything I said. I’m sure you have many, many friends. Including me and Aaron, right Aaron?” she looked at Aaron pleadingly. 

Aaron snickered before placing the two empty glasses he’d been holding on the counter. “Can you refill these?”

For a moment it seemed that Victoria would decline, but after a short sigh she gave in and pulled the glasses towards her side of the bar. She gave them both a dark glance before she opened the tap to refill the glasses. 

After a quick glance at his sister, Robert leaned over to Aaron slightly, the roughness of his voice dipping lower. “I might not have many friends, but that one of yours isn’t much better either.”

For which couldn’t have been more than five seconds, Aaron stared at Robert, his pupils dilated, his breathing uneven, before he seemed to catch himself. Aaron glanced over his shoulder, snickering slightly as he saw Adam with his head tipped back, singing softly. He shook his head as he turned back towards Robert. “And he always says I can’t hold my liqueur.” 

Robert lifted one eyebrow, not taking his eyes off of Aaron. “Can you? You don’t seem to know your limits when it comes to exercising. ”

Robert knew he’d said the wrong thing before he’s finished the sentence. Aaron’s whole expression hardened and all the traces of amusement left his face. “I told you to stay out of it,” he snapped, keeping his voice low enough to only make his words hearable to Robert. 

Aaron looked like he wanted to say more, but Victoria lifted the glasses over the counter and with a quick thanks, Aaron took them out of her hands and walked over to Adam.

Robert watched as Aaron took place beside Adam. He handed Adam his glass and took a large sip of his own. Adam spoke and Aaron smiled cause of something Adam said, but the smile seemed strained. 

“Did you say something to him?” Victoria asked behind him, sounding puzzled.

“Nothing I can think of,” Robert answered after a beat silence, turning back towards his sister. Sometimes he really needed to learn to keep his mouth shut. It hadn’t been his intention to anger Aaron, he’d just been curious about the younger man’s answer. It seemed forever ago since he’d last managed to get a laugh out of Aaron and the pleasure it provided, had caught him of guard. Making him even more bold than usual. “Maybe something’s troubling him.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Victoria said, but she sounded uncertain. 

"What are you still doing here anyway? I thought your shift had ended already.”

Victoria nodded in confirmation. "It has. I’m just waiting on Chas to take over from me.”

“Right,” Robert said distracted. He’d turned sideways on his barstool so that he could keep one eye on Aaron. He was still nursing his pint and clearly avoiding looking in Robert’s direction. Aaron was angry at him, again. Lately it seemed to be the only emotion he felt around Robert, but if angering Aaron was the only way to get through to him, then so be it. He could handle Aaron being upset with him, what he couldn’t handle was the younger man unnecessary harming himself about Katie, while her dead hadn’t even been his fault. 

There was a part of him that had started wondering if telling Aaron the truth about what had truly occurred that day, would help. But chances were he would lose Aaron completely and he didn’t want to risk that. So he just had to find another way to get Aaron to listen to him. He just needed to catch him on his own, so they could talk in private.

He watched as Aaron got out of his chair and started towards the men’s room. 

Robert knew a chance when he saw one. 

He got off of the barstool to follow Aaron, when a familiar, annoying female voice stopped him in his tracks. “Where do you think you’re going?”

Robert turned to face Chas, who had apparently taking over from Victoria while he had been focused on Aaron. “Chas, it’s always a pleasure to see you.”

“You stay away from him, you hear!” Chas snapped, her voice clipped and her expression holding a clear warning.

“Stay away from who? I was just headed to the men’s room. Or am I not allowed?” Robert couldn’t keep the mocking tone out of his voice.   
Chas leaned towards him, her hands placed on both sides of the bar. “Not if Aaron’s there, you’re not. He’s been going through enough without you getting involved with him again.”

Robert sighed, he really didn’t want to get into another discussion with this woman. She always annoyed him to no end and for a second he wondered how Aaron could live with a mom like her. She was way too curious and meddling for her own good. If he’d been Aaron he would’ve left home a long time ago. From the corner of his eye he saw Aaron return from the men’s room and he knew that his chance to talk to Aaron had passed. “Well you don’t have to worry about it Chas. Me and Aaron are in the past and I’m going away for the week so I won’t go anywhere near him.”

Chas nodded, seemingly surprised he gave up so quickly and a satisfied look appeared in her eyes. “Good, let’s keep it that way, shall we?!”

Robert didn’t bother to answer. He simply finished his pint before getting up. He glanced at Aaron one last time, but Aaron still steadily ignored his gaze, though he seemed to be aware he was being watched by the squeezing of his fists. Robert made his way out of the pub and onto the streets. It seemed he’d to find another moment to talk to Aaron. 

xXx

Aaron had stopped listening to the endless stream of words coming out of Adam’s mouth a long time ago, which didn’t seem to discourage Adam, cause he continued chatting cheerfully. 

Aaron felt agitated, annoyed. Somehow Robert always managed to get under his skin. He knew it was his own fault, since he’d sought out the conversation with Robert. He’d been the one to say the first word. He’d known it was a mistake when he opened his mouth to make some stupid joke about Robert’s friends, but somehow he hadn’t been able to help himself. Every time he was near Robert, he felt that stupid need for his attention, for Robert’s eyes to be on him, watch him. And hadn’t he had his attention. Nearly the whole time while Robert had been in the pub, his eyes had been on Aaron. He’d tried to ignore him, to not look back, and he’d managed not to do so for the most part, but he’d felt it. He’d felt Robert’s eyes burn a hole through his skull, like a physical touch. And as much as it had annoyed him, it had excited him in equal parts. Robert was like an addiction he just had to indulge in, even though he knew it was bad for him. 

Aaron finished yet another beer and sighed quietly. It seemed he was well on his way to get drunk. He couldn’t say that it bothered him. Maybe it would help him sleep peacefully for once. 

“You want another?” Adam said next to him, hitting Aaron with his shoulder to get his attention. 

“Sure,” Aaron grumbled. 

“Cheer up, mate. You’ve got you beer and me as your company. What else do you want?”

Aaron looked at him somewhat mockingly, raising an eyebrow. Adam had always been a happy drunk. “Well you better get me another beer then, cause without one your company isn’t that great either.”

“Oi, you should be nice to your business partner, or I might consider firing you,” Adam said, giving Aaron a kick beneath the table. 

Aaron gave Adam an angry look before attempting to kick him back, but Adam, who had predicted this, rose from his seat before Aaron could touch him. Adam grinned as he grabbed the two empty glasses from the table, before walking over to the bar. “You can’t fire me cause without me the business will be bankrupt in a week,” Aaron called after him.

Adam raised his middle finger and Aaron laughed out loud. 

His smile disappeared when Chas sat down across from him. Seeing the look on her face, he knew there was something she wanted from him. He sighed and leaned back in his chair. “What do you want mom? I’m not in the mood for a serious conversation.”

“I just wanted to see how you were.”

“I’m fine, just having a few drinks with Adam.”

Chas looked at him with disbelieve. “A few?”

Aaron pulled a face. “Mom-“

Chas lifted her hands in a surrendering gesture. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. You’re old and wise enough I know. I’ll stay out of it. I just wanted to tell you something.”

“What?” He was pretty sure it had something to do with Robert because lately it seemed to be the only thing she wanted to talk to him about. If he hadn’t known any better, he would’ve thought she was the one who had an affair with him, because she talked about Robert more than Aaron himself. It was extremely irritating.

Chas looked quickly to Adam, who was talking to Diane, before she leaned forward slightly and said on a softer tone: “I thought you would wanna know that Robert goes away for the rest of the week.”

Aaron's first thought was that he was right about it being about Robert, before her words got through to him. Robert was leaving. A wave of panic shot through his body and he had to force himself to stay calm and keep all emotion from his face. He didn’t want to show Chas how much feelings Robert still evoked in him. After a few long seconds he managed to encourage himself to speak. “Why are you telling me this?” Aaron had the idea that his voice sounded way too high and that Chas would see right through him, but after a brief look on her face, he found nothing but relieve. Apparently he’d better control over his emotions than he thought.

“You know why. I just thought it would be nice to know that you don’t have to worry about seeing him, at least for a few days. That’s all.”

“I told you we’re done mom, I don’t care, alright. Robert can do whatever he wants.” The lie tasted bitter on his tongue. As much as he wished his words were true and that it didn’t matter to him what Robert did, it felt like someone had stabbed him in the back. Every time he was confronted again with how little Robert truly cared for him. Every time when he’d the idea that Robert at least had some sort of feelings for him, something happened that forced him to face the truth. Robert loved Chrissie, he was in a relationship with Chrissie. And all Aaron was or ever would be was something on the side. 

“Okay, I’m glad you see it that way,” Chas spoke, though he barely heard her. “I’ll leave you to your drinking then.” Chas pushed the chair back and stood up. Adam walked over with two full glasses in his hands. After a look at Aaron's face, he glanced backwards at Chas before he looked back at Aaron. “Everything alright?”

Aaron nodded slowly. He glanced briefly at the two beer glasses in Adam's hands before he looked up at Adam's face. “Yeah, maybe you should get us some shots too.” 

xXx

Aaron stumbled into his room and fell face down onto the matrass. His clothes felt sticky and uncomfortable, but it seemed like too much work to take them off. He rolled onto his back and laughed at the weird shapes the streetlights left on the ceiling. 

He didn’t know how much he’d drunk, but it had been a lot. He would definitely regret this in the morning, but right now he didn’t care. He felt nice, his mind empty, his emotions muted. It was good, great even. Aaron smiled lazily and moved his arms over the matrass. The matrass felt good too, soft and warm. He could sleep right now. 

But first he needed to take off his shoes, you couldn’t sleep with shoes on. He moved into a sitting position and peeled his shoes from his feet. He threw them off the side of the bed and fell back down. 

He closed his eyes and breathed in the damp air. He could feel the slumber pulling him down, taking his mind to places where he would dream of blue eyes and beautiful blond hair, of strong hands and soft touches, of slow caresses and passionate kisses, of mind blowing sex.

Aaron growled and dragged and hand over his face when it became clear to him where he was fantasizing about. “Robert ‘freaking’ Sugden,” he mumbled to himself. He could feel stupid tears burn behind his eyes. Robert was going away, was leaving him and there was nothing he could do about it. Robert was a fucking asshole for leaving him alone, while he knew the things Aaron was going through. Robert knew and apparently he just didn’t care, cause if he did he wouldn’t be going away with his stupid wife and her stupid kid. Robert was an asshole. And maybe Aaron needed to tell him just how much of an asshole Robert ‘freaking’ Sugden really was. 

He pulled his phone out of his pocket, which seemed way more difficult than usual, and scrolled through his contact list till he came to the R. For a few seconds he hovered with his finger over the screen, some far away part of his brain telling him that maybe this wasn’t the brightest idea, but he couldn’t really come up with an argument not to call. All he wanted to do was tell Robert the truth. There couldn’t be anything wrong with that. 

He touched Robert’s name with his finger and brought the mobile to his ear. 

After the phone had rang for four times, he heard Robert’s voice on the other side of the line. “Aaron?” his voice was low and hoarse and Aaron realized he’d probably woken Robert. That thought made Aaron giggle and he pressed a hand to his mouth to muffle the noise. Aaron didn’t know exactly what time it was, but it was certainly far past midnight. He was somewhat surprised that Robert still answered his call. 

“Is something going on? Are you alright?” Aaron heard the confusion in Robert's voice. He also heard soft footsteps and the soft closing of a door, which indicated that Robert had gone out of bed so that Chrissie wouldn’t overhear their conversation.

The thought of Chrissie brought him back to the reason why he had called Robert in the first place. “You’re an asshole, you know that.” 

“What?” The sound of footsteps disappeared as if Robert was brought to a halt by Aaron’s words.

“You’re an asshole,” Aaron repeated, his voice slurred. 

There was a small pause where Aaron heard nothing but Robert’s breathing, before the older man said: “Are you drunk?” A strange emotion sounded through to his words, but Aaron couldn’t place what it was. 

Aaron shook his head, before he realized that Robert couldn’t see him. “No.”

“Aaron-“

“Alright, maybe, but that’s so not the point here,” Aaron almost whispered. “I just called to tell you the truth.”

“And I think I got the message. Where are you Aaron?” The words he spoke sounded harsh due to the emotions still visible in his voice. 

“It’s none of your business where I am,” Aaron said, chuckling while he rolled on his side so he could look out of the open window. “You don’t have any right to know, cause you’re one mean man.”

Robert sighed and Aaron could imagine him dragging a hand through his hair. “Just tell me where you are so I can come and take you home. I don’t want you wandering around on the streets on your own, not when you’re like this.” It finally became clear to Aaron what that emotion in his voice was, Robert was concerned. 

Aaron giggled. “You’re worried about me.”

“I know you. And I know the kind of situations you end up in and if I have the chance to prevent that-"

Part of Aaron wanted to drag out the concern Robert felt for him, another part wanted to tell him the truth. So to ease Robert’s mind, he said: “I’m in my bed, no worries.”

There was a long pause on the other end of the line and Aaron’s eyes started to droop. The quiet breathing of Robert brought a strange kind of peace about him. He was close to falling asleep when Robert’s voice brought him back to the world of the living. “Any particular reason why you find me an asshole?”

“I always find you an asshole,” Aaron muttered, blinking slowly to keep the sleep at bay. 

Robert snorted. “But usually you don’t call me at four am just to tell me that.”

Aaron smiled when he heard the amusement in Robert’s voice. “Mom told me you’re going away for the week. With Chrissie.” The words slipped out of Aaron’s mouth before he’d any chance to stop them. Fuck. He hadn’t meant to mention that. Stupid alcoholic brain. 

Robert took a deep breath like he was preparing for a long talk. “She’s my wife.” 

It was a simple statement, one that reignited the anger in Aaron’s mind. Suddenly he felt much more awake. “You don’t have to remind me of that,” he snapped. 

“Don’t I? You’re the one calling me during the middle of the night because you apparently think I’m an asshole for leaving. Well let me remind you of something. You’re the one who ended it Aaron. You’re the one who told me it was over. So don’t come crying to me because you’re jealous.” 

Somehow Robert's voice was still calm, tranquil and Aaron hated Robert for it. Aaron knew that Robert was someone who answered fire with fire and that he was not to shy away from a confrontation. His words shouldn’t hurt, but yet they did. And as always the mess of emotions and also the large amount of alcohol in his blood, made him reckless. 

“Yeah well, maybe I made a mistake. Maybe I just want you to stay here, for me. But I know that you won’t. It’s just stupid, innit.” He heard the soft breathing of Robert on the other side of the line. “I’m stupid and I’m drunk. Just forget it.”

Aaron hang up, before Robert had the chance to answer. He dropped his mobile on the side of the bed, breathing violently. Dammit, it hadn’t been his intention to tell Robert any of that. Why could he never keep his mouth shut? He rolled back on his back and closed his eyes. God, he was tired. For a second he wondered whether Robert was back in bed with Chrissie already, but soon he was pulled back into a place where none of that mattered, as he slept completely dreamless for the first time in ages.


	4. Chapter 4

Robert clenched his teeth in frustration as he pushed his phone back into his pocket after another unanswered call from Aaron. He wanted to talk to him, but Aaron wasn’t answering his phone. Aaron was either consciously ignoring him or still asleep, which didn’t seem unlikely after the amount of alcohol he must have been drinking last night.

The conversation he’d had with Aaron had left a strange feeling in Robert’s stomach, which had led to him making a decision based on his emotions, something he rarely did. Robert usually only made decision he’d thought through, decisions that were rational. But somehow Aaron’s words had gotten underneath his skin and it seemed to him that staying for Aaron was more important right now than going away with Chrissie. But his decision to stay, meant that he had to have a conversation with Chrissie he rather would have avoided.

Robert entered their bedroom quietly, a part of him hoping that Chrissie wouldn’t be there. He didn’t want to have to say this to her, he didn’t want to ruin her good mood, but he knew he needed to have this conversation at some point today and right now was as good a time as any.

He found her bowed over a suitcase, repacking it for what must be the third time. “Still not satisfied?” he asked, quirking an eyebrow.

She glanced up, looking caught. “I know, I know. I doesn’t really matter, but I just want it to be perfect.”

“Yeah about that.” Robert ran a hand through his already tousled hair. He’d made his decision already, but that didn’t make telling Chrissie any easier.

Chrissie narrowed her eyes at him before they widened in understanding. “No, no. Don’t,” Chrissie said, looking at him pleadingly, already knowing what Robert was about to say before he’d the chance to speak. “Don’t tell me you can’t come.”

Robert sighed and sat down on the bed next to the half packed suitcase. “I’m sorry.”

Chrissie sank down on the other side of the suitcase. She was clearly downhearted and she avoided Robert’s gaze when he tried to catch it. “Why can’t you come?” she asked quietly.

Robert put his thoughts in order, thinking about the answer he wanted to give before he said: “I just got a call from a client. It’s urgent and I can’t cancel. Lawrence probably didn’t know about it since I didn’t write it down and because you told me he had taken care of everything, I simply forgot. But the client called this morning and I need to take care of things this week.” He grabbed Chrissie’s hand and gave it a soft squeeze. “I’m sorry. I was really looking forward to spending the week with you.”

Robert let go of her hand and resisted the urge to lie down on his back and close his eyes. After Aaron had called him around four am, he hadn’t been able to catch any more sleep. After he’d climbed back into bed with Chrissie, he’d found himself tossing and turning the whole night, his thoughts a big mess that kept returning to the words Aaron had said to him. Aaron had told him he wanted Robert to stay. Aaron had asked, and Robert found himself unable to deny Aaron’s request. He’d heard the simple desire and want in Aaron’s voice and ever since he’d been unable to think about anything else. He knew the only reason Aaron had said anything at all was because he’d been intoxicated, but it didn’t stop the words from being true, and as far as Robert was concerned that was all that mattered.

“I could stay with you,” Chrissie suggested, but Robert could hear the reluctance in her voice. She’d really been looking forward to this week and he knew that she could use a break from everything. The last few weeks had been hard on her as well.

“No, you deserve this. I know things haven’t been great between you and Lucky, and Lawrence too for that matter, but maybe it will help you make amends. It will do you good, the three of you.”

“Thank you Robert. I don’t know what I would do without you,” she smiled at him, clearly still disappointed, but trying to be positive. Robert couldn’t stop himself from comparing her to Aaron. Aaron, who usually, simply saw the negative side of everything; something that had given him a dark sense of humor that had unsettled Robert more than once. Something that never happened with Chrissie, the times she made jokes were rare. “Will you be alright on your own?” she asked.

Robert nodded and said: “I’ll miss you, but don’t worry about me. I’ll manage. Just make sure you enjoy yourself, yeah?!”

Chrissie gave him a tight nod, before turning her attention back to the half packed suitcase. “I guess I have to finish packing.”

“Yeah, you should.” Robert stood up before the need to fall asleep became too much to resist. For a moment he watched as Chrissie filled the suitcase slowly. She worked in a calm manner while she arranged everything in the suitcase. “I’ll leave you to it,” he muttered, leaving the room without waiting for answer, though he doubted that Chrissie had heard him anyway. When she was engrossed in her work, she barely paid any attention to her surroundings or the people in it.

While he moved down the stairs he fished his phone out of his pocket and dialed Aaron’s number. After a few rings it went to voicemail. “Aaron, it’s me. Again. I don’t know whether you’re ignoring me or if you’re still asleep, but there’s something I’d like to talk to you about. Meet me at the shed at four.”

He hang up and made his way into the kitchen. It was two-thirty, which meant he’d an hour and half to do some actual work before he would hopefully meet Aaron at the shed.

xXx

God. His head was pounding. He couldn’t open his eyes, cause it felt like they were glued together. He felt like crap and he knew that every little movement would be a mistake. He’d drunk too much yesterday. He knew, but God knew the exact amount cause he couldn’t really recall much of last night. He knew he’d been in the pub, drinking with Adam, when Robert had walked in. He knew he’d spoken to Robert and that Robert had said something that pissed him off, though he could barely remember what it had been about, it didn’t really seem of much importance anymore. But it had led him to drinking way too much. He knew that at first they had been drinking beer and later on a lot of shots too. And he knew Adam had been with him there the whole time. He couldn’t remember anything after that, but apparently he’d made it into his room, cause that’s where he was right now. Or at least he thought he was there, which he could confirm if he managed to open his eyes, but that seemed like too much work right now. He better not be in anybody else’s bed right now, but he was sure he would remember it if he’d had a one night’s stand.

Time to check.

Aaron peeled open one eye and closed it again almost immediately. Bad idea. God. He could feel a headache coming up. He never should have drunk as much as he did. _Never again_ , he promised himself, knowing full well that that was an empty promise. As much as he usually regretted it the day after, it always seemed like a great idea the moment he was actually drinking.

But he’d seen enough to confirm what he’d already thought. He was in his own bed. Luckily.

He felt uncomfortable. Somewhere during the night, he’d pulled his blankets over his full clothed body and now he was way too warm. The warmth had made him sweat which only fortified the scent of alcohol and old sweat. It was disgusting, he felt disgusting. If getting to the shower didn’t mean he’d to move, he would already been under it right now. But it seemed like too much of an exercise. He’d rather stay in bed the rest of the day. It seemed to be the perfect idea for now.

But he knew that he needed to get a move on if he wanted to get any work done today. He doubted that Adam was in a better state than him, cause as much as Adam hated to admit it, Aaron held his liquor way better than Adam did. Which meant that Adam was probably in a worse condition than him right now.

Aaron slowly kicked down his blankets while he blinked his eyes to let them get used to the morning, or more likely, afternoon sun. When his eyes got adjusted to the light, he looked around his room. It didn’t look any differently than it usually did, so instead he looked around for his mobile phone. He moved his hand to the bedside table where he usually put it, but his hand came up empty. After searching around with his hands, not bothering to sit up, he found it on the ground on the right side of the bed and picked it off of the ground, wondering how it got there. While he looked at the phone in his hand, the uncomfortable feeling arose that he had forgotten something important. Something to do with his phone.

Aaron went through his memories of last night, but it was one big, black blur. He couldn’t remember doing anything worth remembering so that probably meant that nothing important had happened.

Aaron pulled himself upright and immediately wanted to lie back down. The world turned on its axis and his head started pounding again. He dragged his hands down his face and sighed. He hated days like these. He knew it was his own fault, but damn it, it sucked to be hang over. No matter how much it had happened over the years, it was never something he got used to.

He dragged himself out of bed and made his way over to the bathroom to take a shower. He put it on and shuffled out of his dirty clothes. After he’d thrown them in the laundry basket, he stepped underneath the hot spray. The warm water washed over him, waking him up properly and he slowly felt his tense muscles relax. He threw his head back and let the water, which was verging on too hot, flow over his face. He knew he’d to shave soon, but ever since Robert had told him that he found his beard sexy, he hadn’t been able to make himself shave it off completely. The thought of Robert recalled a hazy memory within the deepest part of his brain.

_“Yeah well, maybe I made a mistake. Maybe I just want you to stay here, for me.”_

Aaron made an unexpected, jerky movement at the words that shot through his head and he’d to grip the shower rod to prevent himself from making an unfortunate fall. God damn it. No. No. No, no, no. Please don’t tell me I’ve called Robert last night. No. Aaron wanted to smack himself in the face while the conversation he’d had with Robert last night, came back to him slowly. Why? Why did he always have to behave like an idiot without any self-respect? He’d actually told Robert he wanted him to stay. Why would he do that to himself? He didn’t want to let Robert think he was a needy, little attention seeker, but it was what he made himself look like. Unbelievable. At least he’d hung up before he’d had the chance to embarrass himself any further. Or to hear Robert’s answer. Cause he really didn’t need to get rejected once again. He’d enough experience in that area.

Aaron wanted to slam his fist into the wall, but thought better of it. He didn’t want to damage his hand or the wall for that matter. He put off the shower and dried himself before putting a towel around his waist and making his way to his bedroom.

He slowly dressed, while glancing accusingly at the phone lying on his bedside table. Stupid thing. The one time he wished it had been out of battery, it hadn’t been. He was almost scared to look at it. What if Robert had called back or left a text? But what if he hadn’t? If he had it probably meant that Robert wanted to talk to him about the phone call and obviously Aaron’s exercising. But if Robert hadn’t called or texted him, he probably, really thought Aaron was a complete fool and was presumably laughing at him at the very moment. Neither options were good and Aaron just didn’t want to know.

After staring at his phone for what felt like more than five minutes, he picked it up and put it in his pocket without looking. First he needed to get some water and an aspirin. And if his stomach could muster it some coffee too. He felt too miserable to give in to the slight panic that was tearing at the edges of his mind. Sometimes it was better not to know, to live in ignorance. He walked into the kitchen and opened some cupboards, looking for the painkillers.

The need to run quickly became too much of a need to resist and after he found an aspirin and swallowed it with some water, he climbed back upstairs to put on his sportswear. He threw his cell phone on his bed without looking and changed outfits quickly. As he walked down the stairs and slipped out of the house, he made a futile attempt to suppress all thoughts of Robert and the phone call. If only he hadn’t drunk as much. Aaron was the one who had put an end to their affair, but because of what he said yesterday, it just seemed like he wanted Robert back. And it almost scared him how much truth lay in that thought. He missed Robert in an almost physical, painful way and the more indulgent part of his mind was almost pleased by what he said yesterday because that created a new opportunity for him and Robert to be together.

But, no, no!

He’d made the choice to end it with Robert after everything that had happened with Katie. And he knew that it would be better for him if he did not go back there. It was better if he kept his distance from Robert. But that thought was not as strong as it once had been and he could feel his determination falter.

Maybe that was the true reason why he did not dare to look at his phone. Not because he was afraid that Robert might be ignoring him, but because Robert might want to give their affair another go. Maybe Aaron was afraid because he knew that Robert would be able to persuade him. Because Aaron no longer had the will to resist Robert, he no longer wanted to resist him. Aaron finally dared to admit to himself that he wanted Robert back, but that thought gave him no joy. It left him with a bitter feeling, knowing that what Robert was willing to give, would never be enough, but Aaron would be content with it, because having a small part of Robert was better than having nothing at all.

He passed Paddy, who looked like he wanted to speak to him, but before Paddy even had a chance to open his mouth, Aaron had already passed him. He set a punishing pace and quickly left the edges of Emmerdale behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing big happened in this chapter, but it all leads to some major moments in the next chapter. Stay tuned and thanks for reading!!!


	5. Chapter 5

Aaron wasn’t going to come. He somehow knew it from the moment he walked into the shed. Aaron wouldn’t show up, he would leave him hanging. Robert waited half an hour just to be sure, but he had been right indeed. Aaron didn’t show. Which meant that Aaron was ignoring him because Robert couldn’t convince himself that the younger man was still asleep. From the few times he’d spent the whole night with Aaron he knew that Aaron was a light- and short sleeper, unlike Robert who could sleep for ten hours straight if he’d the chance. 

Robert groaned in frustration as he made his way outside again. He was tempted to call Aaron once again, but the chances of Aaron picking up were more than small, so he didn’t even bother. He got into his car and drove back to the village. 

He’d said goodbye to Chrissie an hour earlier. By now she would be well on her way to the airport which meant he would come home to an empty house later. Robert was relieved to finally have some breathing space. He cared about Chrissie, but she was very smothering which sometimes gave him the feeling of being choked. Robert was a very independent person and didn’t necessarily enjoy being bound to someone as much as he enjoyed the wealth his life with Chrissie had brought him. Every relationship he’d ever been in had made him restless sooner or later. It simply bored him to spend his time and attention on the same person for a longer period of time. Till now his life with Chrissie hadn’t bored him just yet, but that had as much to do with Aaron as it had with her. 

He parked his car close to the pub and got out. He didn’t know if Aaron would be in the pub, but he was either there or somewhere outside and since Aaron wasn’t answering his phone, this was Robert’s best option. He entered the pub and immediately scanned the room to find out if Aaron was there. He quickly concluded that the younger man was nowhere to be seen. 

For a moment he considered going back outside and look for Aaron, but he doubted that he would be able to find him. Unless Aaron was at the scrapyard, he’d no idea where Aaron was and somehow Robert doubted that he would be working right now. If he’d learned anything about Aaron in the last few weeks, it was that he went running whenever he was under a lot of stress. And after last night’s phone call, it appeared to Robert that he most likely was under some sort of stress right now. If only Aaron had picked up his phone, that way Robert could at least have told him he wasn’t going anywhere. 

A part of Robert was almost scared of how much his actions seemed to affect Aaron. This way of self-harming, this running, he knew it had all started after Katie’s dead, but these days Aaron wasn’t only running because of that. Whenever something bad or emotional happened in Aaron’s life, he went running. On more than one occasion Robert had found that he’d been the one to cause it. Not in any way on purpose, but a lot of the time his temper got the better of him when he was around Aaron. Somehow the younger man found a way to play with his emotions which made Robert lash out. Aaron wasn’t always easy to be around, he’d a temper as bad as Robert’s, maybe even worse, and they clashed a lot. Half of the time Robert barely knew where they were arguing about, but that was just what they did, they fought, they made up and did it all over again. Robert couldn’t say that he minded, he enjoyed having a good argument, someone who gave back as good as they got. In that regard they were a perfect fit. 

He ordered a pint from Diane after asking about her day. When she’d tapped him one, he sat down at the table on the right side of the bar. He took a few sips as he leaned back on the couch, thinking about what to do next. He looked up when he heard the door of the pub open, sitting up straighter in case it was Aaron, but as he saw Paddy entering, he leaned back into the couch. 

For a moment he considered just ignoring Paddy, but since he might now Aaron’s whereabouts he tossed that thought aside and walked over to the bar, taking his pint with him. 

He sat down next to the older man. Paddy glanced his way, but didn’t acknowledge him any further.

“Have you seen Aaron by any chance?’” Robert asked calmly, sipping his drink slowly.

Paddy’s eyes darted to him as he seemed to consider his words. He seemed to wonder what Robert’s intensions were and to which extent he should tell him anything. “Even if I had, why should I tell you?” Diane placed a pint in front of him and Paddy moved his eyes away. “Thanks Diane.”

“Your welcome,” she answered before walking off to help some other customers on the other side of the bar. 

Robert watched the exchange between Diane and Paddy quietly. When Paddy brought his focuses back to him, Robert shrugged. “Just curious. I noticed he’s been running a lot lately.”

Paddy looked at him uncomfortably, as if he was trying to fathom him. “Yeah, that’s just how he’s when he focuses his attention on something. He puts all his effort in that one thing, forgetting about everything else. He’s always been like that.”

“I can imagine yeah,” Robert said. “He always seems devoted to whatever he’s doing.”

Paddy smiled at him, appearing to be glad that someone understood what he was trying to say. “Exactly, like with this running right. Instead of simply going for a run in the village. He goes for a run in the woods not too far from here. I don’t exactly know how many miles he runs through it, but they’re lot. He’s always running the same road when he gets into the woods, that one where the road goes upwards. I’m sure that’s where he is right now. I passed him like twenty minutes ago.”

Robert could barely suppress a grin after Paddy unintentionally, and apparently without noticing, told him exactly what he wanted to know. Sometimes it was way too easy to get people to tell you the exact information they had tried to keep from you in the first place. All it took were some well formulated words and a nonchalant, non-caring attitude. It worked every time. 

“As long as he doesn’t overdo it,” Robert noted, his voice bland and his eyes turned to his glass as not to reveal where he was thinking about. If he’d learned one thing over the years it was that his eyes were his weak spot. He’d never really succeeded in keeping all emotions out of his eyes, no matter how much he tried to make his face void of all emotion when he wanted it to be. He immediately felt restless after Paddy’s words, wanting to get up and find Aaron as soon as possible. But he didn’t want Paddy to suspect that he’d been played and given the third degree. So he turned the conversation in another direction, keeping it light and meaningless. After ten more minutes he finished the last of his pint and got up. “It was nice talking to you Paddy.”

“Yeah, you too,” Paddy answered. He furrowed his brow, seemingly surprised that he’d actually enjoyed the conversation. 

Robert smiled to himself as he turned away and left the pub, making sure only to smile when he was out of Paddy’s line of sight. Some people really were easy to play. Though he was surprised to note that he’d actually enjoyed the conversation himself as well. 

He drove out of the village and reached the edge of the woods soon enough. He parked his car on a patch of grass and got out. He looked at the dense, green forest and to the narrow path that lay between the trees. He hadn’t set foot in these woods for years. Not since his teenage years. 

He followed the path and slowly made his way through the woods. The trees rose beside him, though the distance between the trees grew larger as he walked further into the woods. The smell of fresh air and wood was strong, but comforting. When he was younger he always used to go to the woods when he was upset or angry. The silence and peacefulness of this place always helped him cool off. As he followed the path into the woods, he found that it still had that same calming effect on him. 

After a while he started wondering if he’d any chance of finding Aaron. He knew it had been a long shot in the first place and as far as he knew Aaron could be back in Emmerdale already. 

The moment he began to consider just giving up and going back to his car, he saw a tiny spot appear in the distance. The spot became larger, as it approached him slowly but steadily. Robert squinted his eyes to discover whether it was Aaron, but from this distance it was difficult to see. In addition he looked straight into the sun which made it hard to see anything at all.

It soon became clear that faith was on his side for once, as it was indeed Aaron who was running towards him. Robert waited until the younger man reached him and pinpointed the exact moment when Aaron saw him. For no more than a second he froze in his movements, whereby it looked as if the world stopped moving completely before Aaron resumed his running, but at a slightly slower pace so he could hold still in front of Robert.

"What the hell are you doing here?” Aaron snapped when he’d reached him. His body and face were covered in a layer of sweat and his chest worked hard to provide his lungs with enough oxygen.

“I see you’re still your delightful self,” Robert noted. Aaron glared at him and Robert quickly went on before Aaron had the chance to interrupt him. “You ended our phone call rather abruptly last night and since you’ve been ignoring my calls it seemed to me the only way to get you to talk to me was by deliberately searching you out.”

“So you came all the way here just to talk to me? It seems kinda stalker-ish, don’t you think?” Aaron snarled as he maintained eye contact with the older man. 

Robert rolled his eyes and huffed out a laugh. “Maybe, but you seemed determined to avoid me.”

“I wasn’t,” Aaron said, in a defensive tone. “I just didn’t particularly look forward to speaking to you either. And I never checked my phone so I wasn’t aware that you had called me.” Aaron’s voice took on a strange tone on the last part and Robert wondered what was going through the younger man’s head. 

They stood in silence for a moment, Aaron looking at something in the distance and Robert watching Aaron. His features were sharpened in the broken light that shone through the trees. “So what you wanted to talk to me about?” Aaron asked, his voice cold as if he’d rather not ask at all. He shifted from one foot to the other in clear agitation. 

Robert titled his head to the side, considering Aaron. When Robert didn’t answer immediately Aaron snapped his eyes back to Robert’s face. “Tell me,” he demanded. 

“I’m staying,” Robert said merely. It seemed funny that he’d gone through all the trouble to find Aaron, only to say those two simple words. 

For a moment Aaron seemed taken aback, like he’d honestly expected Robert to say anything but that. His eyes widened and he lifted his eyebrow in clear astonishment. Then he seemed to catch himself and his eyes darkened in what appeared to be anger. “Good for you,” Aaron spat. Suddenly he was on the move again, passing Robert and walking away quickly. 

“Where are you going?” Robert asked confused, following Aaron. “I thought that’s what you wanted.”

Aaron suddenly turned whereby Robert almost collided with him. “I was drunk, alright. I never should have said anything. Never should have called you in the first place.”

“But you did,” Robert deadpanned. “And you can’t deny that you pretty much begged me to stay.” A far away part of his brain told him that he probably shouldn’t push Aaron, but he was never the one to keep his mouth shut even though it usually caused a lot more trouble than it did good. 

“I didn’t beg you to do anything,” Aaron snapped, his jaw clenched and his muscles tense. “I was drunk. I made a mistake. It won’t happen again.”

Robert looked at Aaron sharply. “So what are you saying Aaron? That you really don’t want to be with me anymore? That we’re over for good? Because I’m finding it hard to believe that.”

Aaron shook his head at him, biting his lip harshly. “I don’t care what you believe or think. We were done the moment Katie died.” Suddenly Aaron’s eyes were filled with tears, making them crystal blue. Robert was taken aback by the sight of it. “I can’t be with you anymore. Every time I see you I’m reminded of what we… What I did.” Aaron placed a hand over his mouth and for a moment his shoulders shook as he was overcome by emotion. He closed his eyes and let out a trembling breath. When he reopened his eyes they were filled with self-loathing. “She’s dead because I was selfish and stupid. Because I thought exposing all of your lies would somehow make you see sense. That it would force you to choose me over Chrissie. But you won’t. I know that now.” Aaron took a deep, shaking breath. “She died, Robert. Because she was somewhere she shouldn’t have been in the first place.” Robert watched in despair as tears left traces on Aaron’s cheeks. He found it hard to look at the grief and pain on Aaron’s face. He felt completely helpless and lost for words. Aaron turned away from him, his voice softer as he talked on, the words seemingly meant for himself. “And now I’m supposed to live with it. Live with this guilt and all those lies. And I just can’t… I can’t do it.” Aaron ran a hand over his face, wiping the tears away with a rough movement.

Robert opened his mouth, searching for words he couldn’t find. He’d no idea what to say to take away Aaron’s grief. Although he regretted Katie’s death, the guilt had barely been present from the very beginning. He probably should care more, but he couldn’t change what had happened so what was the point of worrying about it? He had found it much harder to see his brother fall to pieces over his wife’s death. He found it much worse to have to watch as Aaron slowly sent himself into a downward spiral. “Just let me help you,” Robert said in a soft tone, placing a hand on Aaron’s shoulder. 

Aaron glanced up and shook Robert’s hand from his shoulder with a fierce movement. “How? What could you possibly do or say to ever make this alright?”

“It was just an accident,” Robert stated in a calm voice. “It wasn’t our fault.”

Aaron shook his head in disbelief. “How can you even say that? You just don’t care do you? You never cared about her.” Aaron voice was filled with accusation. “I bet you don’t even really care about her death. All you care about is keeping your dirty little secret.” Aaron's eyes widened as if something dawned on him. “And I bet that that’s the real reason you’re here. It’s not because you’re worried about me. It’s because you’re afraid that I’m gonna crack. You’re just afraid that I’m gonna tell everyone!” 

“That’s not true, I do care!” Robert felt torn and confused. Aaron wasn’t wrong, he’d been worried that the younger man would crack and spill his beans. That was part of the reason why he was here. But Aaron was wrong about one thing, it wasn’t the main reason Robert had come to seek him out, he was genuinely worried about him, much more than he’d ever expected. 

“Stop lying Robert. For once cut it out with all the lies. Maybe you’re telling the truth. Maybe you do care, a bit. But we both now that’s not your main concern.” Aaron ran a hand over his face in complete defeat. ‘So stop pretending it’s any other way.” Aaron turned around, his feet coming down hard on the path that was covered with twigs and stones as he walked away. 

Once again Robert found himself following Aaron. He quickened his pace to catch up with the younger man. When he’d reached Aaron he grabbed his shoulders to turn him around, to tell him the truth once and for all. The stubborn man in front of him made his blood boil. Whatever Aaron thought about them and what he meant to Robert, he was wrong. And Robert would prove it. Aaron turned under Robert's hands and suddenly he was remarkably close. For no more than a second Robert looked in eyes that were filled with an unbridled rage before two hands were placed on his diaphragm and pushed his body back with a hard shove. At that moment everything went so fast that Robert hardly registered what actually happened. He was vaguely aware that his hands slipped from Aaron's shoulder as he grabbed the front of Aaron's hoodie. He gave it a hard jerk with his hands so they both turned around in a spiral of movements and suddenly Aaron was the one who would be hitting the ground first. The world turned while both of them fell through the air for half a second, both their hands still clasped in the other's clothing. Aaron hit the ground with a hard bang and he slipped backwards a few centimeters due to the blow. The air was squeezed from his lungs when Robert landed on his chest with a hard thwack. 

A groan escaped Aaron’s lips and Robert partly lifted himself form Aaron’s body to relieve the pressure on Aaron’s chest and to take a look at his face so Robert could look in his eyes as he continued their argument. He met Aaron's gaze while anger still coursed through his body, the same rage looked back at him from Aaron's eyes. Something passed between them. For a second they were frozen in a moment between anger and pure lust, a moment heavy with possibilities. The moment was broken when Aaron licked his lips. 

Robert pushed Aaron down into the ground, their lips meeting in a desperate kiss. Robert moved his hands to both sides of Aaron’s head. Twigs and stones were cutting into his hands, but Robert barely noticed. He pushed himself down into Aaron’s body, wanting to be even closer to him even though their bodies were as close as they could get. Aaron’s hands were wrapped in his jacket, holding them in a tight grip. Robert ran his tongue over Aaron’s lips as he rapidly pushed them open, entering Aaron’s mouth with his tongue. Aaron’s mouth slipped open further as he groaned into the kiss. Robert took Aaron’s face into his hands, titling his face backwards to get even better access.

Aaron whimpered as Robert pushed his right leg between the younger man’s legs and Aaron’s hips moved upwards on their own accord. Robert pulled back slightly to watch Aaron’s expression as he took Aaron’s lower lip between his teeth and gave it a soft bite. “So beautiful,” Robert muttered as he looked down at Aaron’s flushed face and half lidded eyes. Aaron’s breathing was shallow as he wrapped one arm around Robert’s waist and the other around his neck to pull him back into the kiss. Their lips moved together, their tongues caressing each other in a desperate way. 

Robert thrust his hips downward, rubbing against Aaron’s crotch. He could feel Aaron’s erection press against his thigh. Aaron moaned as he broke off their kiss to take some shallow breaths. “Don’t stop,” he whispered, his voice low and hoarse with desire. Robert smiled as he reclaimed Aaron’s mouth. “Wasn’t planning on it,” he murmured between kisses. He took one hand off of Aaron’s face and slowly moved it downwards, caressing Aaron’s chest. He pinched Aaron’s nipple through his shirt between his thumb and forefinger and Aaron’s hips bucked upwards against his thigh. “Robert,” Aaron groaned against Robert’s lips, his voice a plea. 

“Shhh, I’m gonna take care of you,” Robert muttered as he moved his mouth to Aaron’s neck to kiss the sensitive spot behind his ear before giving it a quick bite. Aaron panted as his body trembled beneath Robert. His hands had loosened the tight grip on Robert’s body as he quickly lost himself in a wave of lust and desire. Robert moved his hand downwards till he’d reached the edge of Aaron’s jogging pants. He paused for barely a second before he slipped his hand past the waistband of Aaron’s pants and boxers. He took Aaron’s cock in his hand and moved his thumb over the tip. Aaron’s hips bucked into Robert’s hand as the older man ran his hand up and down Aaron’s length. Robert kissed his way back to Aaron’s mouth and plundered those alluring lips with a deep and passionate kiss, their tongues rubbing against each other, stealing each other’s breaths. Soon there was not enough air, but Robert couldn’t make himself pull away, lost in the taste of Aaron’s mouth. 

Aaron’s shook in his arms as Robert moved his hand up and down his cock. He pulled away from Aaron’s swollen kissed lips to take a look at his face. “Come on, Aaron, let it all go,” he whispered close to Aaron’s ear, kissing the soft skin there. He moved his hand faster and faster and he watched as Aaron lost himself in the feelings of ecstasy and lust. He knew the exact moment when Aaron was close to coming. His breathing hitched, his eyes were closed, as he was no longer able to keep them open and his cheeks were pink due to a heated blush. “My beautiful boy,” Robert muttered as he bit down on the skin between Aaron’s collarbone and shoulder. Aaron gasped as he came, his head thrown back and his eyes squeezed together, his hands shaking where they held on to Robert. 

Robert eyes were trained on Aaron’s face as he watched while Aaron slowly came down from his high. He caressed Aaron’s cheek with his left hand as he moved in and kissed Aaron softly. He slowly pushed his way into the other’s man mouth. Kissing him tenderly yet thoroughly. The kiss didn’t hold the same desperation as before, but to Robert it felt just as intense. Robert’s erection felt uncomfortable in the confines of his trousers, but he paid no attention to it. This was not about his needs or desires, for once it was all about Aaron’s. 

Robert placed his forehead against Aaron’s and let it rest there as Aaron’s erratic breathing slowly calmed down. Aaron opened his eyes and there was clear turmoil visible in his eyes when he met Robert’s gaze. “We should get up before someone sees us,” Aaron murmured, his voice still slightly hoarse.

“Yeah,” Robert said. He placed his hands on both sides of Aaron’s body and pushed himself up. When he was back on his feet he offered Aaron a hand, but Aaron ignored it and placed his own hand on the ground to push himself up. Aaron made a vain attempt to remove the dirt from his clothes, but when he realized he only made it worse, he gave up with a soft sigh. “I should go,” Aaron said, he sounded strangely defeated as if all energy had left his body. 

“Aaron-“

Aaron shook his head at him. “Just don’t Robert. This doesn’t change anything. Not for me.” He gave Robert a bitter smile before he turned and slowly increased the distance between them. 

Robert felt an inexplicable panic shoot through his body. He spoke before he realized he wanted to say anything. “I don’t wanna lose you. I don’t want us to be over. If you change your mind you know where to find me. You can stay with me this week, it will just be the two of us.” Robert hated how desperate he sounded, how much emotion his words contained. 

Aaron glanced at him over his shoulder with an unreadable look. He gave a slight nod of his head, perhaps just to show that he had heard Robert's words, but it was an acknowledgment of some sort. Aaron resumed his stride and left Robert on his own. 

The energy and adrenaline that had flowed through Robert’s body only minutes ago had completely disappeared and he felt physically and mentally exhausted as he watched as Aaron disappeared from sight. He ran a hand through his tousled hair and slowly walked back to his car, the same way he had come. He had done what he could, what happened next was up to Aaron.


	6. Chapter 6

Aaron ignored Chas who said something to him as he made his way through the bar and slipped through the back. He was confused and angry with himself. Why had he let it get this far? He shouldn’t have fought with Robert and he definitely shouldn’t have let Robert touch him like that. He could feel his cheeks burning up, as he thought back at what they had done. He couldn’t believe he’d let Robert jerk him off in the woods. Aaron pulled a hand down his face. What the hell was wrong with him? Why did Robert get to him this much? It was like Robert was simply pulling his strings and Aaron couldn’t help but to do whatever the older man wanted.

Aaron made his way upstairs and took his second shower of the day. When he was done he dressed in his usual black clothing and entered the empty living room. He pretty much sank down onto the couch and threw his legs on them as well. He closed his eyes and wished he could turn of his thoughts for once. If only, that way he could stop stressing about what to do.

Because now it was up to him. Robert had given him the choice to come to his house or not and now Aaron had to make a decision. A big part of him wanted to go more than anything. And why should he deny himself that what he desired? There was very little he desired, very little that made his heart beat faster and loosened his mind from the boundaries he'd laid upon himself. But he'd found that he desired Robert. And when he let himself indulge in this desire he found that it brought him something he rarely felt; content. And wasn’t that what life was all about? Those little moments in which you, if even just for a moment, forgot everything else. The past, the future, every little thing that seemed important until looked back upon later.

But another part of him was scared about what would happen if he did go there. He knew it would only cause more pain in the long stretch. He’d known so much pain in his life and because of that he found it hard to trust people. Not to say that he didn’t trust Robert, but sometimes he wondered if choosing to trust him, to believe in him, was a mistake he should know better than to make. He really didn't know. Disappointment had been a tread all through his life, one he didn’t want to be faced with yet again. But it couldn't be avoided as he knew that he and Robert would never be end game. He would have to face up to that truth at some point. But in his heart Aaron knew that he wasn’t ready to face that truth today. He just wanted to be with Robert. Even if it couldn’t last.

Aaron took a deep breath before he threw his legs of the couch and got up. He was probably making a big mistake, but as he grabbed his jacket and left the house, he couldn’t find it in himself to regret his decision. He felt relieved. For the first time in forever, he felt something other than guilt and agitation.

He got into his car and drove towards Home Farm, forcefully suppressing any thought about Katie or the distant feeling he was making a mistake. When he reached his destination he parked his black car and turned off the engine. He took a deep breath, telling himself he was doing the right thing. Already he could feel his earlier determination fade. Maybe he shouldn’t be here. _Stop it_ , Aaron told himself, _you’re gonna do this_ , _consequences be damned_. He practically jumped out of the car and made his way to the house after locking his vehicle.

He felt completely awkward standing there on the front porch after he’d rang the doorbell. There was a part of him that just wanted to turn around and walk away. Sometimes he wondered how it had ever come to this. How he’d become that person that had an affair with a married man. An affair that had been going on for months. He’d always looked down on people like that. People that willingly went behind another person's back, fully aware of what they were doing, but doing it anyway. He knew that he’d committed crimes in the past, things he wasn't proud of. But somehow this was much worse. He’d never thought he would be the one to do something like this, that he would ever scoop so low, but he had. When had he become that person? When had he stopped caring? He’d always told himself that no matter what, he would never end up in some sort of affair. And now he had. He was in love with Robert Sugden and it caused him a lot more pain than it did happiness. But those few glimmers of happiness were so much more than he'd felt in years. And that was what made him go back, made that he didn't care enough about the wrongness of it all to stop it. Robert had brushed away the color of grey in his life and brought back vivid colors that gave his life a new meaning and purpose. Robert had brought a change in his life, in his emotions and Aaron wasn’t sure whether that was good or a bad thing, but it was a change. A change he couldn't and maybe didn't even want to come back from.

When the door opened, Aaron wasn’t sure whether to give Robert a smile or an angry glare so he settled for his usual snarl. Robert’s face didn’t bare much emotion, except for a glint of relieve in his eyes. “I wasn’t sure if you were gonna show up,” he said, holding the door in his right hand as to keep the cold outside.

Aaron huffed, pushing his hands into his pockets. “Yeah, me neither.”

Robert stared at him, considering him in a calm matter. “You want to come in?” he asked.

“No, I came here to stand outside in the cold,” Aaron replied, his voice filled with sarcasm.

Robert smirked at that, shaking his head as he pulled the door open further. Robert turned around and walked back into the house. Aaron took a deep breath and followed him inside, carefully closing the door behind him. He’d been inside Home Farm before, but this time it was different which made him nervous and tense. When he entered the kitchen, he noticed the slight tension in Robert’s shoulders and he knew the older man felt the same way. It gave a small comfort knowing that Robert was on unfamiliar ground as well. To Aaron Robert was someone who was always in control so it was rare to see him out of his debt.

Robert moved his fingers over the counter before he turned to face Aaron. The corners of his mouth turned upwards in a barely visible smile. “I’m glad you’re here,” he said.

“Me too,” Aaron admitted, realizing the truth of his words as he said them. He watched as Robert’s careful smile widened at Aaron’s confession, the smile reaching Robert’s eyes, making them shine with a contained happiness. _Happy_. Aaron felt a warm feeling settle in his body as he realized that he’d brought out that happiness.

Sometimes he almost forgot why he’d fallen for Robert in the first place. They fought a lot and sometimes it was easy to forget why he ever fell in love with him, but it was moments like these that reminded Aaron why he hadn’t been able to give up on Robert.

“Come here,” Robert murmured, pulling Aaron close by his hoodie. Robert took Aaron’s face in his hands, kissing him softly, chastely. Just a short meeting of their lips. “This okay?” he asked softly. When Aaron nodded, Robert kissed him again, just as briefly, but Aaron could feel Robert’s smile against his lips. Aaron felt all the tension leave his body as he lost himself in Robert for a moment, his hands wrapped in the fabric of Robert’s pullover.

When Robert pulled back, he moved his hands down to give Aaron’s shoulders a quick squeeze before he let him go. He turned and opened the fridge. He glanced at Aaron over his shoulder, giving him a questioning look. “A beer?”

Aaron nodded distracted, for the first time really looking around home farm. He’d been inside before, but never paid attention to interior of the house. Now that he finally had the chance to look around, he realized how big it truly was. He’d never cared much for wealth, but he could grasp why Robert loved it. As he wandered through the house he moved his eyes over the different pieces of furniture, at first not really knowing what he was looking for, but as he looked at all the expensive art and the way the house was decorated, he realized he was looking for something that was Robert’s, anything that had his name written all over it. But he found it completely lacking of Robert’s personality. If you got to know a person better, you could usually find that person back in their house, but he couldn’t see Robert’s character back in this house at all.

“What are you doing?” he heard a voice ask behind him. Robert sounded amused. There was a sound of two bottles being placed down before he heard footsteps coming his way.

“Just looking around,” Aaron muttered, looking at a painting of a little girl on the wall. It looked like she was on the run for something, she looked terrified and panicked, it made Aaron feel slightly uncomfortable. Strong arms wrapped around his waist from behind, pulling him against Robert’s solid body. Aaron leaned back against the taller man’s chest and Robert’s arms tightened around his waist. Robert leaned his chin on Aaron’s shoulder and briefly looked at the painting. “I really hate that painting,” he said. Aaron could hear the distaste in Robert’s voice.

“Seriously?” Aaron murmured, trying to sound offended as he kept his eyes on the painting before him. “It’s beautiful. Your taste in art is completely lacking any education.” Aaron had to forcefully keep himself from grinning.

“What?” Robert sounded completely taken aback and he moved his head to the side to take a look at Aaron’s face. Aaron tried to keep his face straight and serious, but as he glanced at Robert’s face, who looked shocked and confused, Aaron couldn’t keep back his laughter.

Robert pulled his arms back and give him a slight push. “You’re an idiot,” he muttered, walking to the other side of the room to pick up his beer.

Aaron still laughing, turned, immediately missing the warmth of Robert’s body. “I can’t believe you would even think I know anything about art.”

Robert voice sounded defensive as he said: “I don’t, but you always talk in the same moody voice so it’s hard for me to know whether you’re joking or not.”

Aaron shook his head, still smirking lightly. “Next time I’ll tell you I’ll be making a joke so you can prepare yourself beforehand.”

Robert glared at him and Aaron felt lightened up with joy. Mocking Robert had quickly turned into one of his favorite hobbies over the past few months. “Shut up,” Robert said, his voice lacking conviction. The older man sat down on the couch, putting his feet on the table. He looked up at Aaron stuck between amusement and exasperation.

“Or what?” Aaron dared, moving over to Robert, but not sitting down just yet. He rather liked the height difference he’d on Robert at the moment. “You’re gonna tell me to leave?”

“Don’t temp me,” Robert returned.

Aaron chuckled as he plopped down next to Robert. “I wouldn’t dare.” Aaron didn’t have to look at Robert to know he was rolling his eyes.

They fell into a comfortable silence as they sipped their beers. Aaron leaned back into the expensive couch. It was soft, way better than anything they had at home. Aaron had no idea how much the couch had cost, but he was sure it was more than anything Aaron had ever spent on a vacation. Although he could probably say that just about anything inside this house. If he’d been the one living here, he would be afraid to touch anything, too scared he would accidentally break stuff. Aaron was surprised at how good he felt as he slowly drank his beer. He couldn’t even remember the last time he’d laughed like that. He’d never been the one to laugh much, but lately he hadn’t done so at all. But when he was with Robert, all the bad thoughts just disappeared to the back of his mind, making it easy to forget and just enjoy the moment. When Robert and he were on their own, they always fell into this easy banter.

When he turned to face Robert he found the older man looking at him with hesitation in his eyes.

Unconsciously Aaron stiffened. “What?”

Robert licked his lips before he spoke: “Do you want to talk about it?”

It didn’t take a genius to know what Robert was talking about. Aaron felt his good, almost giddy mood, leave his body. Robert sounded concerned and Aaron’s mind went back to their earlier, unfinished conversation in the woods. Katie. For a while she had been banned from his thoughts, his mind filled with Robert and Aaron’s own desires. He could barely believe he’d been able to forget about her at all, even if it had only been for a few hours. It had been the first time he’d been able to do so in over a month.

“I’d rather not,” Aaron said, he hated the insecurity in his voice. He knew they had to talk about it at some point, but for now he just wanted to pretend it wasn’t there. Today he would live in chosen ignorance as to enjoy that what he desired without second guessing himself. He met Robert’s eyes who looked back at him without judging. “Not tonight,” Aaron added in a soft tone.

Robert smiled in understanding and nodded, taking his legs off the table. He reached out his hand and ran his fingertips down Aaron’s face. He slowly moved in as he took Aaron’s bottle out of his hands and placed both of their bottles on the table without breaking eye contact. Robert took Aaron’s face between his hands and kissed Aaron slowly, his mouth almost silky on Aaron's lips. When Aaron opened his eyes he could do nothing but stare at the sensual smile on Robert's lips and the desire in Robert's eyes. Robert traced Aaron’s bottom lip with his thumb as he moved closer on the couch. “I missed this,” Robert almost purred before he pushed Aaron down onto the couch and climbed on top of him, straddling his hips. The weight of Robert’s body pushed into Aaron’s bones, but it wasn’t an unpleasant feeling.

Aaron wrapped his hands in Robert's shirt and pulled him down. Aaron kissed Robert deeply, pushing Robert’s mouth open with his tongue, seeking permission to enter which Robert gave willingly. Aaron felt his inner turmoil disappear as he let himself get lost in Robert’s mouth, Robert’s hands that caressed his body in an almost tender way, Robert’s smell that made him feel at home.

When Robert pushed his right leg between Aaron’s, Aaron laughed as he realized they were in the same position they had been in this afternoon, but this time Aaron lay on a much softer surface. Robert pulled back as Aaron shook with laughter, unable to participate in the kiss anymore. Robert frowned at Aaron in clear confusion. “What?” he asked, almost irritated.

Shaking his head, Aaron said: “Nothing, it’s just nice to do this on a couch instead of the cold ground.”

For a moment Robert closed his eyes as his mouth slowly curved into a smile. When he opened his eyes he looked at Aaron with a fond expression. “It definitely is,” he agreed, his eyes heated as they raked down Aaron’s body. He moved his mouth to Aaron’s ear as if he was gonna tell him a big secret. His voice was sleek and filled with lust as he said: “It will be even better when we get you out of these clothes.”

Aaron’s laughter stilled as he felt a rush of desire burn through his body, heating his cheeks in a blush. Robert pulled him upright by his hoodie and he kissed him roughly, all teeth and tongue, still straddling his hips. Aaron moaned as Robert bit down on his lower lip. Robert zipped open Aaron’s hoodie and pushed it down Aaron’s shoulders and arms then pulled Aaron’s black shirt over his head. He threw them on the ground and moved back in to reclaim Aaron’s lips. His strong hands slid down Aaron’s naked back and Aaron shivered under the caress. Aaron wrapped one hand in Robert’s hair, baring Robert’s throat and kissing his way down the older man’s neck. When he reached the edge of Robert’s pullover he took it in his hands and pulled it off Robert’s chest and over his head, Robert’s shirt following suit. Aaron took a moment to take Robert in as he moved his right hand down Robert’s chest. Robert's breathing was accelerated and his chest was heaving violently. His hair was tousled and his eyes as blue as ever, his pupils dilated. He looked disheveled, his calm demeanor taken apart by desire and want. Aaron didn’t think he ever had seen a more beautiful sight.

Robert traced Aaron’s strong jaw with is right hand. “Let’s go upstairs,” he murmured, his eyes on Aaron’s lips. “A bed will be even more comfortable.”

“In Chrissie’s bed?” Aaron asked, raising his eyebrows. The thought of having sex in the bed where Robert slept with his wife made him feel guilty and uncomfortable.

“In my bed,” Robert corrected. He smiled, his eyes meeting Aaron’s before he moved forward and kissed Aaron’s mouth in a lingering way. “I want to see you in my bed.” The heat and desire in Robert’s voice and eyes was almost too much for Aaron to bear and he felt his breath hitch. His heart was pounding and he could feel the blood rush through his body, his cock heavy between his legs. He was hit with the strong and sudden desire to have Robert inside of him. To be fucked thoroughly in Robert’s bed, to be held by Robert’s arms as the older man entered him.

Aaron nodded and Robert’s hands tightened where they held on to him. He gave Aaron a hard kiss before he pulled him upright. They slowly made their way upstairs, unable to take their hands or mouths of one another. Somewhere along the way they managed to lose their shoes, socks and trousers and when Robert pulled Aaron into the bedroom they were only wearing their boxers.

Aaron had about a second to take a look at the room before he was thrown onto the bed. When Robert climbed on top of him and pushed his tongue into Aaron’s mouth, Aaron forget all about the room. All that mattered was the feel of Robert on top of him, of his tongue and experienced mouth stealing all the air out of Aaron’s lungs.

Robert’s hands were everywhere; holding his face, caressing his body, pinching his nipples. To Aaron it felt like he was slowly taken apart by Robert. All the layers he always held in place, to protect himself, crumbled due to Robert’s hands and mouth. He felt strangely exposed like Robert could look straight into his soul. He’d slept with many people before, but somehow it was different when he was with Robert. Usually he was the one to be in control, the one on top, the one who decided how far they were gonna go and when to stop. But with Robert it was different. Somehow Robert had found a way to let Aaron trust him. Robert had found a way to make Aaron give Robert that sense of control that he’d never dared to give to anybody else. But the pleasure he’d found in giving himself to Robert, to trust him like that, was immense. The complete and utter freedom he felt when he was with Robert was indescribable. It was the best sex he’d ever had, but more than that he felt safe when he was with Robert, protected. Loved.

Robert opened a drawer and took a tube of lube and a condom out of the nightstand. He smiled down at Aaron as he pulled off Aaron’s boxers. “God,” Robert whispered in awe as he moved his hand up Aaron’s leg towards his groin. “I want you so bad.” He pushed one of Aaron’s legs up and coaxed his finger with lube. He circled Aaron’s hole with his finger before he pushed inside slowly. Aaron hissed in slight pain and Robert stilled his movements. “Shhh,” he hushed. “I’ll go slow.”

“It’s been a while,” Aaron grunted, he took a deep breath before he nodded. “Go on.”

But Robert didn’t listen as he kissed his way up Aaron’s chest till he’d reached his lips. The kiss Robert gave Aaron was the slowest kiss he’d ever received. Robert coaxed Aaron’s lips open with his tongue and he slowly entered Aaron’s mouth. Aaron panted when Robert slowly started to move the finger inside his hole again as he kept kissing Aaron with an intent focus.

Aaron ached his back when Robert touched a certain spot inside of him and he’d to break of their kiss to gasp for air. When Aaron opened his eyes to look at Robert he saw a pleased smirk on the older man’s face. “More, I can take more,” Aaron groaned, breathless.

“I know you can,” Robert purred. He added a second finger, carefully scissoring them against the walls of Aaron’s hole. He wrapped his other hand around Aaron’s cock and moved his hand in the same rhythm as he moved his fingers. Aaron could no longer keep his eyes open as the yearning that had only been a pleasant thrum before, became a sensation that took over his whole body. He moaned as Robert started to move his fingers more forcefully, hitting Aaron’s prostate with every other thrust. “I’m… I’m ready,” Aaron breathed, pushing his body down onto Robert’s fingers.

Robert carefully removed his fingers, placing a kiss on Aaron’s stomach. Aaron blinked open his eyes at the empty feeling inside of him and watched as Robert ripped open the condom wrapper. Robert removed his own boxers and rolled the condom onto his erect cock, smirking as he met Aaron’s eyes. “You wanna do it like this?” Robert asked, indicating the position in which they would be having sex.

A warm feeling ran through Aaron’s body. He never would have guessed that Robert would be a considerate lover, as cold and detached as he usually acted. But in bed he was all about giving, not taking. He was always considerate of what Aaron wanted and needed. “Yeah,” Aaron muttered, pulling Robert down by his neck to give him a quick kiss.

Robert answering smile was breathtaking. He grabbed Aaron’s leg for support as he slowly pushed inside of Aaron. He paused every time Aaron hissed and waited on confirmation before he continued pushing inside. When he was fully seated Robert let out a breath, his muscles trembling because of the effort he’d to make to keep still. “You’re so tight,” Robert murmured in a hoarse, broken voice.

Aaron looked at the beautiful man on top of him, inside of him, and when Robert opened his eyes, the pools filled with desire, Aaron knew he was ready. He wrapped his legs around Robert’s waist, pulling Robert’s body against his. “Move,” he breathed.

He didn’t have to say it a second time. Robert let out a grunt and started to move in earnest. His thighs trembled as he pulled halfway out to push back in. Aaron had to grab hold of Robert’s shoulders for support as his body was pushed into the mattress with a punishing pace. When Robert hit Aaron’s sweet spot, Aaron groaned loudly, arching his back. Robert grunted and kissed Aaron in a sloppy, uncoordinated way.

Aaron started moving his hips to meet Robert’s thrusts and together they moved in perfect symmetry. Robert moved his head to the side of Aaron’s neck as pleasure made it too difficult to kiss. He murmured sweet nothing’s against the side of Aaron’s neck as he wrapped his hand around Aaron’s cock. Aaron moaned when Robert hit his prostate while moving his finger over the sensitive underside of Aaron’s cock at the same time. “Robert,” Aaron groaned. He was close. He could feel it in the tightening off his stomach and the tingling in his balls.

“Are you gonna come for me?” Robert purred against the side of his neck, taking the tender skin between his teeth and giving a sharp bite. Aaron grunted in pain and pleasure, knowing there was going to be a bruise on the side of his neck tomorrow. Robert intensified the moving of his hips, hitting Aaron’s prostate on almost every thrust. Aaron panted, his thighs shaking where they were wrapped around Robert’s body. When he felt a hand on the side of his face he opened his eyes, only then becoming aware he’d closed them. “I want you to look at me as you come,” Robert told him in a breathless, heavy voice.

Aaron was unable to answer, staring back into intense, blue eyes. Robert wrapped his hand around Aaron’s cock once again and moved it up and down Aaron’s length. Robert was biting his own lower lip now, sending an extra spark of want through Aaron body. It only took three more thrusts before Aaron came, his body shaking by the intensity of his orgasm. The walls of his insides clenched around Robert’s cock and Robert let out a heavy groan that sounded a lot like Aaron’s name as he came inside the younger man.

Robert’s breathing was heavy against the side of Aaron’s neck as the moving of his hips slowly stilled. Aaron caressed Robert’s scalp with his fingers, running his hand through the soft blond hair. Aaron untangled his legs from Robert’s hips and hissed as Robert’s cock slipped out of his sensitive body. For a moment they lay together as they regained their breathing. When the weight of Robert’s body lying on top of him became too much, Aaron gave him a push. “Get off me, you’re heavy.”

Robert grunted in annoyance, but rolled off of Aaron’s body when the younger man gave him another punch against his shoulder. Robert pushed himself upright and got up to leave the bedroom after giving Aaron an unconvincing angry glare. Thirty seconds later he came back with a cloth in his hand. He cleaned Aaron’s thighs and stomach, which were covered in cum, before he threw it aside.

He climbed back into the bed and pulled the blankets up to keep them from getting cold. Aaron watched the whole ordeal with a fond expression on his face. When Robert caught his gaze, he smiled and muttered: “Come here.” Aaron rolled onto his side and placed his face against Robert’s chest. He breathed in the heavy scent of Robert and smiled in content. The older man wrapped his arms around Aaron and pulled him tightly against his body.

“You want to eat something? It must be well after tea time and we haven’t eaten yet,” Robert said, his voice quiet. He was drawing circles into Aaron’s skin with his fingertips. Aaron was surprised at how nice it felt. He shook his head against Robert’s chest. “Later,” he muttered with his eyes closed.

“Okay,” Robert said in a soft tone. Aaron was too tired to open his eyes, but he could hear the smile in Robert’s voice. He fell asleep with the calming rhythm of Robert’s heartbeat beneath his ear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to thank everbody for reading and leaving kudos and comments. It means a lot! I hope you enjoyed this chapter and I apoligize for any mistakes. English isn't my native lanuage so I know there are mistakes in this story that I am not aware of.


	7. Chapter 7

_“Nooooo,” she cried out as he gave her body a hard push. He knew the wooden floor wouldn’t hold before she even hit the ground. Her body slammed into the rotten planks and then the whole floor creaked as the old planks broke beneath her weight. The floor came loose and with a thunderous roar she flew through the air. With a hard bang and the sound of breaking glass she landed on the floor below._

_Aaron took a few steps and peeked over the edge at the broken body below. He glanced down at his hands. The hands that had pushed her. The hands that had killed her._

Aaron sat up in bed. His mouth opened in a silent scream. He wrapped his arms around his shaking body and closed his eyes, taking a few deep breaths. He was drenched in sweat and his heart was beating erratically against his ribcage. He was overcome by panic and felt the urgent need to go for a run no matter what time it was. He threw back the blankets and moved to get out of bed when a hand on his shoulder and a sleepy voice stopped him. “Aaron? Is everything alright?”

Aaron paused his movements when he suddenly remembered that he wasn’t at home. He was with Robert. He felt some of his panic dissolve and slightly relaxed beneath the comforting touch of Robert’s hand. He shivered before he gave a tight nod. “I’m okay,” he whispered, his voice loud in the complete silence of the night. “Just a bad dream.”

Robert placed his other hand on Aaron’s other shoulder and Aaron let Robert ease him back onto his side. Robert pulled the blankets back over Aaron’s body and rearranged himself against Aaron’s back, sliding his arm around Aaron’s torso and pulling him tightly against his chest.

Aaron felt the soft press of lips against the back of his neck and a hand that stroked his hair softly. Aaron sighed in content as he pushed his body back against Robert’s, too tired to keep his eyes open any longer.“Robert?” he muttered.

“Shhh, go back to sleep,” he heard Robert murmur, his breath a warm puff against Aaron’s neck.

Aaron fell back asleep in the safety of Robert’s arms.

xXx

Sometime later Aaron woke up in an empty bed, the early morning sun shining through the windows. The mattress next to him was still warm so he knew Robert had left not too long ago. For a moment he closed his eyes, losing himself in the peace and quiet. It was so different compared to what he was used to at the pub. There was always noise there, people walking in and out; needing something, wanting to talk to someone or simply hanging around.

But here it was completely quiet. There was no sound of footsteps, no talking or shouting or the classical music Diane liked to play. Something he always pretended to hate, but he secretly did enjoy some of the pieces.

Now that he was alone Aaron took the chance to look around the room. Aaron noted that it was a nice room. It was light, big windows on the right side of the bed. The walls were off-white and there was a large painting on the wall opposite of the bed. On the left side of the bed was a door and Aaron guessed that it was a walk-in closet since there was only one closet in the room which didn’t seem big enough to hold all their clothes. Beside that door hung a large mirror. The room was smaller than he’d expected from this huge house, but Aaron had to admit that it had something cozy.

There was a part of Aaron that still felt guilty over the fact that he was in Chrissie's bed, but it was a little too late to worry about it. After everything they had done last night...

Robert had clearly showed Aaron that he’d missed him in recent weeks. Both hadn’t had much sleep, even though they went to bed pretty early. Not that Aaron was complaining.

He climbed out of bed, wanting to go downstairs to find Robert when he realized that he wasn’t wearing anything. He looked around and Aaron found his disregarded boxers on the floor, but remembered that all his other clothes had left his body long before they had reached the bedroom.

_Fuck_ , Aaron thought as he pulled on his boxers. He wasn’t going to go downstairs in only his underwear. He looked around for something to wear, but found the room lacking any clothing. _Screw it_ , Aaron thought as he pulled open the door on the left side of the bed. He’d been right, it was indeed a walk in closet. The lights flashed on and Aaron raised his eyebrows as he looked at the amount of female clothes. He shook his head as he entered the closet, it felt freaking weird, he usually only saw walk in closets in movies, he’d never thought he would ever be in one himself. The first thought that crossed his mind was that Chrissie had a ridiculous amount of clothes. Her clothes took in almost the whole closet and it was beyond him why anyone needed so many clothes.

He looked around for Robert’s part and spotted his clothes at his right hand. It was a small space compared to Chrissie’s, but there were still a lot more clothes than Aaron had. Aaron had the sudden desire to pull open all the drawers and rummage through Robert's clothes. In recent months he’d seen Robert in anything and everything and Aaron had to admit that Robert had had some questionable wardrobe choices. He was curious to see if there was any clothing he’d never seen Robert wear before. With difficulty he managed to suppress the desire, it seemed a violation of Robert's privacy and he felt dirty even considering it.

There were some neatly folded T-shirts on a shelf and Aaron grabbed the one on the top. It was a navy blue T-shirt. It seemed strange to put on a T-shirt of Robert, but he didn’t have much choice if he didn’t want to walk down stairs in his underwear. He sighed and pulled the T-shirt over his head. It was too big and it hang around his frame, but it smelled nice, of washing powder and something that was all Robert. He hoped Robert wouldn’t mind him wearing his clothes.

He left the closet -that thought made Aaron chuckle, he’d never walked out of a closet before- and made his way downstairs. A nice smell entered his nose as he reached the end of the stairs and he followed the smell into the kitchen.

He found Robert behind the stove. Aaron leaned against the wall and watched as Robert flipped a pancake. “I didn’t know you could cook,” Aaron said surprised.

“On occasion,” Robert answered as he glanced over his shoulder: “I thought you might be hungry.” He fully turned around when he saw what Aaron was wearing. A crooked grin appeared on his face, he looked pleased, but he turned back to the stove without commenting.

Aaron arched his eyebrows behind Robert’s back before he asked: “You’ve got any coffee?”

“Yeah, there’s still some left in the coffeepot.”

Aaron randomly opened a few cabinets till he'd found the mugs. Robert plated the pancakes and placed them on the table while Aaron poured himself a mug from the coffeepot, adding two sugar cubes. When he turned back to the table, he watched as Robert poured a ridicules amount of syrup over his pancakes. It looked disgusting and probably tasted like that too.

“Who would have guessed, you’re a real sweet tooth,” Aaron said amused.

“What?” Robert muttered with his mouth full, glancing up at Aaron.

“Nothing,” Aaron said, shaking his head. It was weird to think of Robert as adorable, but right now he was. He looked like a little kid who had gotten his favorite candy. It was sweet. Again not a word he usually would relate with Robert.

“Sit down,” Robert commanded between bites, pointing with his fork at the empty chair in front him, “Before it gets cold.”

“Yes dad,” Aaron smirked as he sat down opposite of Robert. The older man glared at him, but Aaron ignored him as poured some syrup over his pancakes. It was much less than the amount that Robert had put on his pancakes.

They ate in a comfortable silence. By the time Aaron had finished most of his plate, Robert was long done and was sipping his coffee. Robert broke the comfortable silence, saying: “How long have you been having nightmares?”

Aaron shrugged, stuffing his mouth with a big piece of pancake as to avoid answering. Robert looked at him patiently, waiting for him to answer, not pushing, but clearly not letting it slide either. Aaron thought about lying, but it seemed pointless so when he’d emptied his mouth he said: “Ever since your wedding day.”

He took his mug and took a big sip, draining away the last bits of pancake. For a moment he hesitated before he said: “Most of the times I see her fall down, see how she hits the ground and how her life drains away. Sometimes I-” Aaron broke off the sentence not able to say the words out loud. Only thinking about his dreams made him shiver.

“Sometimes what?” Robert asked tentatively. He looked concerned and strangely guilty. It was the first time Aaron had seen him show any kind of emotion about Katie’s dead since the actual day it happened.

Aaron sighed, rubbing a hand across his mouth. “Sometimes I dream I’m the one who pushes her.”

It was silent after Aaron’s admission. When Aaron glanced up he found Robert completely frozen, he looked shocked and for a moment something that looked like panic crossed his features. After less than a second all emotion was brushed from Robert’s face and he turned back in this cold distant person he always showed to the world. “I’m sorry,” Robert said, his voice stiff, closed off.

Aaron raised his eyebrows in confusion, wondering if it had been a mistake telling Robert about his dreams. He didn’t understand why Robert reacted the way he did. He was filled with a sudden anger caused by insecurity he felt because he’d just opened up to Robert about something so personal. Aaron pushed away from the table. “Just forget I said anything.” He turned around and made his way out of the kitchen. He planned on finding his clothes and getting to the pub so he could go for a much needed run.

There was a sound of a chair being pushed backwards and footsteps following him. “Aaron.” A hand encircled his wrist, putting him to a pause. “I’m sorry,” Robert said again, this time the apology sounded sincere.

Aaron dragged a hand through his short hair, facing Robert again. “You don’t have to apologize. I just…” he sighed. “I’m not good at this… opening up about stuff.” He clasped his hands together, feeling slightly uncomfortable.

Robert huffed out a laugh. “Yeah, me neither.”

Aaron smiled back at him. His eyes caught the time on the clock on the wall behind Robert’s head. He should probably get ready to go to work. “Can we talk later? I thought maybe we could take a shower,” he said sleekly. Aaron was almost surprised to hear those words come out of his own mouth, usually he wasn’t so blunt. “I need to get to work, but you know maybe we could…” Aaron let the suggestion hang in the air as he traced a finger down Robert’s chest.

For a moment it looked like Robert wanted to object. They both knew Aaron was just trying to post pone the conversation they both knew they needed to have. But Robert was only human and Aaron knew that Robert found it hard to resist him, especially when Aaron was being evocative. Robert smirked as he nodded. “Yeah,” he answered, his voice slightly hoarse. He grabbed Aaron’s hand and pulled him upstairs and into the bathroom.

They undressed each other and got into the shower. Aaron washed Robert’s hair and back and he let Robert do the same to him. They lost themselves in each other’s mouth, rubbing their tongues together. After a while Aaron got to his knees and took Robert’s cock into his mouth. He licked and sucked and watched as Robert came undone above him, gripping Aaron’s hair in an almost painful way. Robert came into Aaron’s mouth, and as much as Aaron hated the taste of come, with Robert he found that he didn’t mind. It just turned him on even more.

Robert pulled Aaron back onto his feet and kissed him sloppily, tasting his own come on Aaron’s tongue and moaning softly. He quickly brought Aaron to his own orgasm with his hand while Aaron leaned his whole weight into Robert’s body, panting against the side of Robert’s neck.

Eventually Robert turned off the shower and they stepped out of the shower cabin to get dressed. Aaron went downstairs to find his clothes, but took the T-shirt of Robert he’d been wearing before, down with him. He decided to wear Robert’s t-shirt instead of his own as he remembered the way Robert had looked at him when he saw Aaron in his clothes. It made him want to take a shower with Robert all over again.

After he’d dressed, Aaron went to look for his shoes and found them underneath the staircase. He sat down in the living room to put them on. He’d just tied his lashes when there was a sound of footsteps coming down the stairs. Robert entered the room. His hair was still wet and slightly disheveled, but apart from that he looked very dapper and sexy. He wore his dark blue jacket and a light blue shirt. “You look nice,” Aaron heard himself say, his own words surprising him. He rarely gave compliments, most of the time only when he felt forced to do so, but for once he really meant what he said.

“You too,” Robert said, his smirk arrogant. His eyes were on the T-shirt Aaron was wearing.

Aaron snorted and stood up. “I need to get going.”

“Hmmm.” Robert grabbed him by his waist before Aaron could pass. “Don’t I get a kiss goodbye?” he asked cheekily.

Aaron rolled his eyes in fake annoyance. “That depends,” he said.

Robert cocked his head to side, considering Aaron. “On what?” he sounded distrustful, his eyes narrowed.

Aaron grinned as he said: “What do I get in return?”

Robert pursed his lips, thinking for a moment. “How about…” he leaned in close, his breath caressing Aaron’s lips. “I cook for you tonight,” he finished, his eyes sparkling.

Aaron’s eyes widened in surprise. He knew Robert had been baking pancakes before, but he’d actually thought that Robert was joking when he’d said that he could cook. “Seriously?” he muttered, he knew he sounded shocked, but he couldn’t help himself. He couldn’t imagine Robert actually cooking his own meal.

“I’ll have you know that I’ve worked as a chef for a while. Back then it was kind of a disaster, but I’ve learned a lot over the past ten years. Who do you think does all the cooking around here?”

Aaron still couldn’t wrap his head around it. “You’re kidding right?”

Robert’s smile widened. “Well yeah, Lawrence does most of the cooking. But I really can cook.” He leaned in, his mouth close to Aaron’s. “And I’ll prove it to you. Tonight. We’ll eat around six so don’t be late.”

“Okay, deal.” Aaron took Robert’s face between his hands and pressed a kiss to his lips. He let the kiss linger for a few seconds before he pulled back.

As he passed Robert to get to the front door he said in a mocking tone: “I’ll see you tonight _honey_.”

Robert let out a low growl and gave Aaron’s ass a hard smack. Aaron hitched out a laugh and quickly left the house. He climbed into his car and checked his mobile. He’d one missed call from Adam, and at that moment he realized that he was more than an hour late for work, but he couldn’t find the will to care. He started the engine and drove off.

xXx

He’d a stupid smile plastered on his face the whole day. Aaron tried to suppress it because people were giving him weird looks, but he couldn’t help it. At some point Adam even asked him if he was on drugs. Aaron told him it was nothing, but Adam kept glancing at him during the day, seemingly trying to peel the secret out of his head. But even Adam’s moodiness and complaining, he’d had a fight with Victoria, couldn’t discourage his cheerfulness. For the first time in weeks he spent the whole working day without feeling the need to go for a run.

Aaron kept checking his phone to see the time and was relieved when the pointer finally hit five o’clock. Relieved cause he could go back home to Robert. He said his goodbyes to Adam and left before Adam had a chance to answer.

The front door was unlocked when he reached Home Farm so Aaron let himself in. “Robert?” he called out, closing the door behind him and throwing his jacket over the couch. He heard a faint ‘ _I’m here_ ’ coming from the kitchen. When Aaron entered the big kitchen area, Robert was, as he’d promised, cooking. He’d an apron tied behind his back and was busy steering something with a wooden spoon. He looked up for a moment and smiled faintly at Aaron, before he turned his attention back to whatever it was he was doing.

Aaron pushed his hands into his pockets and smiled at the sight before him. “What are you cooking? It smells great.”

“I’m making cod in dill sauce with green beans and potatoes. Get yourself a pint from the fridge. It will be done in twenty minutes.” Robert sounded distracted.

Aaron got himself a pint and hovered in the kitchen for a moment. “Anything I can do to help?”

Robert didn’t look up from his task as he answered. “You can set the table if you’ll like.”

“Sure.” Aaron went out to set the table. He’d to search for everything in the cabinets, but he eventually managed to find everything he needed and was happy with the result. For a moment he felt tempted to light the candles standing on the table, but it felt a little to cheesy for his liking so he decided against it. “I’m all done,” Aaron said to Robert. The older man was busy plating the food on two plates and just hummed in answer, probably not even hearing the words Aaron was saying as he walked to the other side of the kitchen to get something out of the fridge.

Aaron sat down at the table, nurturing his beer, and watched Robert with an embarrassing fascination. Cooking had never interested him before, but it was totally engaging seeing Robert cook. He seemed at ease, completely relaxed yet very focused. Like he wanted to make sure the dish was completely perfect. It occurred to Aaron that it was very important for Robert because he wanted to show Aaron that he was indeed a good cook. Robert always felt like he needed to prove himself. The thought saddened Aaron.

“There you go.” Robert placed the two plates with the fish on the table, breaking Aaron out of his thoughts. Robert pulled back his chair and sat down opposite of Aaron. Aaron inhaled the spicy scent. It smelled delicious. Normally he was not really a fan of fish, but he’d to admit that it looked great. He lifted his beer bottle to make a toast. “To this week and that we won’t kill each other before it is over.”

Robert laughed, the sound rich and elated. “I’ll toast to that.” He clinked his bottle against Aaron’s before bringing it to his mouth and taking a large sip. His voice took on a more serious note when he said: “I do drive you mad sometimes, don’t I.”

Aaron placed his bottle back down on the table and shifted in his chair. “Yeah, but you just don’t know when to keep your mouth shut,” Aaron answered, a tint of humor keeping his voice light. “It’s fine. I know I’m not the easiest person to deal with either.”

Robert shook his head, smiling lightly. He moved his eyes to Aaron’s untouched plate. “Just take a bite before it gets cold.”

It was unsettling to feel the intense stare of Robert’s eyes on his face as he swooped some of the fish on his fork and placed it into his mouth. He chewed carefully, tasting the richness of the dish and the different flavors that filled his mouth. His knowledge of food was limited and he couldn’t separate the different ingredients, but he couldn’t remember the last time he’d eaten anything as refined and delicious as this. He met Robert’s eyes and smiled at the insecurity mixed with excitement he saw there. “You’ve proved your point. You’re a good cook,” Aaron said and watched as Robert’s face light up with satisfaction and pride.

Aaron shook his head in silent amusement. That man had an oversized ego and Aaron didn’t make it any better. He should stop giving Robert compliments before Robert would develop a god complex.

They fell into easy conversation. Aaron told some stories about his time in France. He told Robert how hard it had been to learn any French and how much he’d hated watching TV there because they dubbed everything. And how most of the people, especially older ones, refused to speak English which often had led to him standing awkwardly in a room while everyone spoke a language he just didn’t understand. He told Robert about that one time he went to Paris and how he got lost because he took a wrong turn somewhere and how he hadn’t been able to understand any of the signs because they were all in French. Eventually he’d walked around for hours till a nice old lady told him were he’d to go and it turned out he’d been walking in circles and his destination had literally been five minutes away.

Robert laughed a lot while Aaron talked and Aaron felt happy because he’d been the one to make Robert smile.

When they finished the main course, Robert brought out desert. Two beautiful plates with chocolate mouse and fresh red fruit draped over it. It was simply delicious though Robert admitted that he hadn’t made it himself. “I could have made it myself, but I had work to do so buying it was quicker.”

“Must be a lot of work now that you’ve to do everything on your own.”

Robert shrugged. “I’ll manage. It’s only for one week and it’s actually kind of nice not to have Lawrence breathing down my neck all the time. Same goes for Chrissie to be honest, they’re very protective of the business.”

Aaron fiddled with his spoon for a moment. “How did you two meet anyway?” Aaron asked hesitantly, not completely sure why he asked, but curious about this piece of information of Robert’s past. He’d been wondering about it for quite some time now.

Robert pursed his lips together. “I actually met Lawrence first.” He smiled, but the smile seemed tense. His eyes were on his plate, playing with a strawberry with his spoon, pushing it around on his plate. It looked like he was reliving some kind of memory. “Let’s just say that it were unusual circumstances.” He glanced up at Aaron. “He was the one who introduced me to Chrissie.”

“And let me guess, it was love at first sight.” Aaron couldn’t keep the bitterness out of his voice.

Robert shook his head. “Far from. We couldn’t stand the sight of each other at first.” He finally pricked the strawberry onto his fork and put it in his mouth. When he was done chewing he said: “But enough about me and Chrissie. This week is all about us.”

A thrill ran down Aaron spine at the word _us_. Robert smiled at him knowingly like he’d read Aaron’s thoughts.

After some more light conversation they got up and together they did the dishes. It was very domestic and the thought made Aaron chuckle. He couldn’t help but feel like they were in a real relationship as much as he knew that it was just an illusion.

When they were finished they fell down on the couch in the living room, both with a beer in their hand. Robert put on the TV, but Aaron didn’t pay attention to what was playing. He simply enjoyed sitting next to Robert, without feeling pressured to keep up meaningless conversation. If there was one thing Aaron loved in this world, it was enjoying the silence with someone sitting next to him. It might be a strange thing to enjoy, but he loved it. It rarely happened that he could enjoy some peace and quiet because most people felt forced to keep the silence at bay. As if silence was something to be ashamed off, like it was contagious. With Robert it was different, they could be silent, and he loved that.

After a while he could feel Robert’s eyes burn a hole in his skull and he knew the conversation he’d been avoiding for the past two days was going to take place. He glanced at Robert, who shifted his eyes away quickly, like he’d been caught doing something sneaky. “Did you go for a run today?” Robert asked casually, staring at the TV.

Aaron sighed deeply, letting the air pass through his pursed lips, it produced a strange noise. “No,” he said, already starting to feel the annoyance course through his body. He knew the conversation had been coming, Robert had stirred it in this direction more than once, but he would rather avoid it at all. He knew that he’d a shitty way of dealing with his problems, but that didn’t mean that anyone had the right to interfere. It were his problems so he’d the right to deal with them however he wanted to. And it was unclear to Aaron why Robert even cared. The only reason he could come up with was that Robert felt guilty because it was partly his fault. But that still didn’t explain his obsession with Aaron’s mental health.

The only other obvious reason was that Robert might actually be worried about him, but he’d never said anything that indicated that he actually did.

Robert dragged a hand across his face. “Look I know you don’t want to talk about this. I do. But just hear me out alright.”

“Fine,” Aaron almost spat after a long pause. “But this is the only time we’re gonna talk about this. You speak one more word about this after tonight, I’m gone, understand?”

Robert nodded, apparently just relieved that Aaron gave him the chance to talk about this at all.

“Go on then,” Aaron snarled impatiently.

Robert took a deep breath next to Aaron, but Aaron didn’t bother to look at him. “I won’t pretend that I know what you’re going through, that I understand what you’ve gone through with Jackson-"

“Robert,” Aaron warned at the mention of Jackson. It had been years ago, but what happened with Jackson had never stopped hurting, never would. He never talked about Jackson anymore, it was easier to just let the memories rest, gain dust. Not that he’d forgotten Jackson, he never would, but it was easier to not think about him most of the time. Robert held up his hands.

“Just hear me out.” He paused, taking a slow breath. “I don’t know what it’s like to lose someone that close to you. I’ve lost my dad, but that’s not the same.” Aaron dared a glance at Robert and found him staring at the TV screen. Aaron looked back down at his hands, Robert’s voice was soft as he continued, “I can’t imagine what that must have been like. To have to do that to someone you love.” Robert was silent for a moment. “I always thought you were brave,” he murmured almost absently. Aaron’s head snapped up to look at Robert in disbelieve.

“Why? Because I killed him?” his tone of voice was hard.

Robert shook his head, finally pulling his eyes away from the screen. He looked at Aaron with a desperate intensity. “No, because you saved him from a life that wasn’t worth living anymore. Because you choose to help him end his life, knowing that you would have to live with that for the rest of your life.” Robert sighed, a sadness in his eyes that hadn’t been there before. “You choose him over yourself. I don’t think many people would have done the same thing in your position. That they could have been that selfless.”

Aaron closed his eyes. He put his elbows on his legs and leaned his head in his hands. “It never… It never felt selfless to me. It was horrible to have to watch him suffer like that and when he died…” Aaron felt tears sting in his eyes, but he held them back. He’d shed enough tears over Jackson over the years, he didn’t want to cry about him yet again. His voice was rough when he continued: “Some part of me was relieved that it was finally over. Relieved that he was dead because I wouldn’t have to watch him suffer anymore…”

He fell silent. The only sound in the room was the soft noise coming from the television. He looked over at Robert, who had pulled one leg onto the couch, and sat sideways, turned towards Aaron. “I hated myself for what I had done.” Aaron smiled bitterly. “You’ve seen the scars. I didn’t… handle it very well.”

Robert reached out, giving Aaron’s thigh a comforting squeeze before he pulled his hand back. “I guess there’s no right way to deal with something like that.”

Aaron frowned, shaking his head slowly. “I suppose not.”

His eyes drifted through the room and landed on the television. Vaguely he realized that they were watching a football game. He usually loved watching football, but right now he couldn’t care less.

Robert’s voice pulled him back from his thoughts. “I’m sorry I dragged you into all this.”

Aaron blinked, it took a moment before the words got through to him. “You mean Katie’s death? It isn’t your fault.” He was surprised by the softness of his tone.

Robert huffed and it sounded strange as if Aaron was saying something incorrect. “It isn’t yours either,” Robert answered. “Her death was an accident. So please just stop blaming yourself, stop hurting yourself.”

“Why? What’s it to you?” Aaron said, his voice rough.

Robert’s voice was urgent as he turned to face Aaron completely. Aaron didn’t look up, but he could see Robert’s piercing gaze from the corner of his eye. “Because there are a lot of people out there that care about you, that love you. And I don’t say this because I think that you owe it to them to get better, cause you don’t owe them a goddamn thing. I say it because I know you. You deserve better and you owe it to yourself to get better.” Robert pushed himself closer on the couch. Aaron could feel the warmth of Robert’s body next to him. For a second he thought that Robert would reach out and touch him, but Robert kept his hands in his own lap. “You’re a good person Aaron and it is time that your start forgiving yourself.”

Aaron was taken aback by Robert’s words. His chest burned with a sudden whirlwind of love and sadness. He could feel his throat closing up and felt the sudden need to cry.

Robert’s voice was somehow filled with warmth as he spoke on. “Just promise me you’ll stop. Promise me you’ll stop harming yourself with all this running.” Robert took a hold of Aaron’s chin and turned his face to force Aaron to look at him. “Promise me,” Robert insisted when Aaron stayed quiet.

Aaron gave a tight nod in the confines of Robert’s hand. “I promise,” he said, his voice barely audible. Aaron wasn’t sure whether the words he was speaking were true or not. Right now he wanted the words to be true, but he knew his determination would waver if not completely disappear by the time his week with Robert ended.

xXx

Five days passed in quick pleasantries. During the day they worked and when Aaron came back home they hung out. They cooked together, which mostly consisted of Robert cooking and Aaron watching, or they ordered take out when they didn’t feel like cooking. They ate at the dinner table, talking, or eating side by side, watching TV. They watched loads of movies, comparing movies they liked and disliked. Robert made him watch some old classics like Chinatown and Citizen Kane, explaining the difference between movies now and then and why he liked the classics more. Aaron made Robert watch some of his favorite action movies and though Robert complained at the beginning of every movie, he fell silent every time the story managed to engage him. Aaron felt pleased every time a scene managed to make Robert laugh. They had long discussions after every movie: talking about the story arc, the special effects and debating about their favorite characters. After a lot of pushing and probing Aaron even managed to convince Robert to watch a horror movie. They ended up watching The Mist and Aaron spend the whole movie trying to suppress his laughter as Robert screamed at the TV every time a character made a stupid decision that lead to their dead, he didn’t comment on the fact that Robert had his hand in a dead grip pretty much the entire movie.

At night they had the most amazing sex. Robert showed him and made him feel things he’d never experienced before. Robert took him apart piece by piece before putting him back together again. After one particular night Aaron was so sore that he’d a hard time walking normally and sitting down without hissing in discomfort the next day. But Aaron didn’t care cause the pain he was experiencing had totally been worth it. They barely slept, four a five hours a night, a little longer if they were particularly tired. Sometimes Robert woke him up in the middle of the night to go at it again and every morning they took a long shower together.

To Aaron it felt like he was living the dream. He knew that it couldn’t last and he was dreading the end of it, but he pushed all those thoughts aside and just lost himself in the moment, just lost himself in Robert, in every moment they spend together, in every kiss and every shared smile.

He did not go for a run once.

On Saturday afternoon, their last whole day together, Robert was showing him how to make a cherry, chocolate pie. According to Robert the best pie on the whole planet. Aaron hadn’t agreed, arguing that Robert was addicted to sugar and didn’t have a sensible opinion when it came to anything having sugar and chocolate in it. And of course this meant that Robert had to prove to him that it was the best pie ever by baking him one, cause that man always had to prove that he was right.

“I can’t believe that you actually convinced me to do this,” Aaron muttered to himself.

Aaron wasn’t aware of Robert’s close presence until he heard the other man speak somewhere next to him. “I can be very persuasive when I want to be,” Robert answered, sounding way too pleased with himself.

They were actually making pie together, the ridiculousness of it all made Aaron want to laugh out loud. At the moment Aaron was chopping the chocolate into smaller pieces so they could melt it. Robert was finishing his home made dough, carefully arranging it into the cake pan. He placed it into the fridge when he was done.

“Like this?” Aaron asked when he thought the chocolate must be small enough to melt.

Robert finished whatever he was doing with the fresh cherries and walked over to Aaron to glance over his shoulder. “Perfect,” he whispered close to Aaron’s ear.

“Great,” Aaron said, putting the knife down. He was glad he was done. He stretched out his hand carefully, it was stiff after all the chopping he’d done.

When he moved his head to the left to look at Robert, there was a hint of a smile on the older man’s face. Robert placed a quick kiss on the side of Aaron’s neck before he returned to his task. For a while Aaron watched Robert work. Robert melted the chocolate and finished the stuffing before he asked Aaron to put it onto the dough.

Aaron tried to be precise as he filled the cake pan. He could barely remember the last time he’d baked a pie. It must be back when he wasn’t even a teenager yet. He was surprised to conclude that he actually enjoyed making pie, even though he’d no knowledge about baking whatsoever.

“You’re gonna love it,” Robert said a little while later as he placed the pie into the oven and closed the oven door.

Aaron shrugged nonchalantly. “We’ll see about that. You haven’t convinced me just yet.”

Robert strolled over to him, crowding him against the counter with his hands. “Believe me… Once you’ve had that first taste…” He zipped down Aaron’s jacket and pushed the fingers of his right hand beneath Aaron’s shirt to touch his bare skin. Aaron shivered at the slow caress. Robert leaned in, murmuring: “You’ll grow as addicted as I am.” Robert moved his eyes down to Aaron’s lips and wetted his own lips with his tongue.

Aaron was transfixed and the innuendo of Robert’s words didn’t slip passed him. Robert pushed his body into Aaron’s. “We’ll have an hour to waste before the pie is done. How shall we spend it?” the low purr of Robert’s voice didn’t leave much to the imagination.

“I can think of something,” Aaron answered as he wrapped his arms around Robert’s neck and pulled him close to kiss him. Robert’s eyes were dark as his mouth curved into a smile.

Their mouths were millimeters apart when a door slammed close and a familiar voice broke them apart: “What in god’s name is going on here?”

Aaron froze in the confines of Robert arms before he was pushed harshly into the counter as Robert scrambled to get away from him. Aaron’s head snapped to the side to take a look at their intruder.

His eyes landed on Lawrence standing in the doorway, looking raged.

In that moment Aaron knew that they were completely and utterly screwed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I an evil person? They were so happy and now I've ruined everything. I would say I'm sorry, but I personally love drama and I enjoy writing cliffhangers. I told you I'm an evil person. I'll try to upload the next chapter as soon as possible! 
> 
> On a more personal note. Have any of you ever seen the mist? That movie is scary as hell. If you want to watch a good horror movie I would definitely recommend it. I won't spoiler anything, but damn that ending...


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder that this story takes place after the episode that aired on 23-03-2015. So in this story Robert never admitted to killing Katie and he never told Aaron that he loved him either.

It felt like his brain had shut off. It was completely empty, no thought passed through his mind, no words. It was just a blank, empty space. The only thing he felt was his heart hammering against his chest. It was beating so hard that for a moment Robert was sure that it was audible.

Maybe he was having a heart attack. The shock of being caught out by Lawrence was too much for his brains to handle and now they were shutting down. It was a pathetic way to go, dead by shock. But if he was death he wouldn’t have to face the consequences of his actions. For a moment dying didn’t sound so bad.

Robert blinked his eyes once and the world came back alive. With it a feeling of panic was awoken and he could almost feel the adrenaline pump through his blood. Lawrence was standing next to the door, he looked angrier than Robert had ever seen him. His anger seemed to have taken his ability to speak, Lawrence kept opening and closing his mouth, but no words came out. For a second the thought crossed Robert’s mind that Lawrence looked like a gapping fish. Which probably said more about Robert’s mind set right now than it did about Lawrence’s. Robert had to stop himself from laughing hysterically.

“Lawrence I can explain,” Robert said, uncaring of how desperate he sounded. It felt like he’d swallowed sand or something, his throat was bone dry and his voice sounded hoarse and raw.

Lawrence seemed to regain his ability to speak at Robert’s words. “You don’t have to explain anything. I know what I just saw.” His eyes were burning hot pools and Robert had to suppress his desire to walk away from the situation. He couldn’t believe that he’d messed up so badly. _God_. He was going to lose Chrissie. _No_ , _no_ , _he couldn’t lose her_. He’d worked so hard to get her to be with him, to get this life, he couldn’t, wouldn’t just lose that because he’d made a stupid mistake.

Robert found himself unconsciously moving towards Lawrence. When he realized what he was doing he froze mid track, being close to Lawrence right now didn’t seem to be a good idea. “No, please. I know what it looked like, but it’s not like that. I-”

“Robert, please,” Lawrence sneered, “I just saw you almost kissing another man. Stop being pathetic. You can’t talk your way out of it this time. Once I tell Chrissie about this you and her are done.”

“No, you can’t. I messed up, I admit that,” Robert said, pleading, “But I love Chrissie, you know that.”

Lawrence raised his eyebrows in mocking disbelieve. “Love her! You’re with another man and you’re telling me that you love her. The only one you love is yourself and _our_ money.”

Robert’s voice rose like a thunder because of the panic he was feeling that was quickly turning into anger. “I don’t care about the money. All I care about is Chrissie.”

Lawrence moved towards him, crowding into Robert’s space. Robert’s first impulse was to take a step back, but he forced himself to keep his ground, he never showed anybody any weakness. “I was right about you,” Lawrence spat, “You’re nothing but a lying scumbag. I knew you would show your true colors sooner or later, but that you would actually cheat on her with another man. With _him_.” Robert could hear the disgust in Lawrence’s voice at the word _him_ and when Lawrence made a gesture towards Aaron it dawned on Robert that Aaron was still here.

Robert’s first instinct was to turn around and look at Aaron, to see which emotions were layered on his face. He couldn’t believe that he’d actually managed to forget Aaron’s presence.

There was a part of him that wanted to defend Aaron in that moment, to stick up for him. But as he looked into Lawrence’s, cold, narrowed eyes, he knew that he couldn’t. If he did that, he would lose everything. Chrissie, his job, this life which was all he’d ever wanted. If there was a chance that he could save his marriage and keep Chrissie in the dark than he needed to take it. He needed to do as much damage control as he could. “He means nothing to me, alright. All he is to me is just a warm body, a simple fuck, nothing more.” Somewhere it almost scared Robert how devoid of emotion his voice was when he spoke.

He could hear a sharp intake of breath behind him. _I’m sorry Aaron_ , Robert thought, _this is just the way it has to be_. “You can’t mean that,” Aaron said, he sounded angry, disbelieving.

Robert turned around to face Aaron. “I do,” Robert said, he’d to stop for a moment to keep his voice from shaking. When he met Aaron’s eyes, he made sure they were harsh and cold. “You mean _nothing_ to me. I just let you think I did to get you into my bed.”

Robert watched as Aaron’s angry expression disappeared and became mostly upset and hurt. Aaron just stared at him, silent; then, to Robert’s horror, his eyes began filling with tears. But he didn’t let them spill, he held it in and Robert knew that Aaron didn’t want to give Robert the satisfaction. He was reminded of a something he’d said to Aaron at the beginning of their week. _“I always thought you were brave.”_ He still did, Aaron was so brave, there was something so open and honest about him, but it didn’t make him weak, it somehow only made him stronger. Unlike Robert would always hid behind easy smiles and fake emotions.

Somewhere Robert was surprised that it only took two sentences to make Aaron believe that he didn’t care about him, but a dark voice inside his head whispered that he’d never given Aaron any reason to believe that he did.

Aaron took a few steps and held still in front of Robert. Robert couldn’t pull his eyes away from Aaron’s, the deep, all compassing betrayal in them gluing him to the spot. “Fuck you Robert,” Aaron snarled, his voice just as cold as Robert’s had been. Aaron pretty much shoved Robert out of the way and Robert didn’t try to stop him. He simply watched as Aaron left the room. The front door closed with a loud bang five seconds later.

If Robert had ever thought that he’d hated himself before, it was nothing compared to what he was feeling right now. The room that had held nothing but warmth for the past week, was now cold and drained from all color. Robert found himself shivering.

Robert had pretty much all but forgotten about Lawrence until he heard him speak. “I think you just broke the lad’s heart.” Lawrence huffed out a cold laugh.

Robert eyes snapped back to Lawrence and he’d to fight the desire to slam the other man into a wall.

xXx

Aaron was crying as soon as he sat down in his car. He slammed his fist against the steering wheel and let his tears fall freely. Why? Why had he let himself believe it would be different this time? Why the hell had he thought that anything had changed? He was so goddamn stupid. What had he been thinking going back to Robert?

He hadn’t been. Story of his life.

By now he should have known better. Should have known that Robert would push him aside as soon as his real family came back. All he was to Robert was something on the side, someone that could distract him from the stress of everyday life. And a part of him had known this, but for once he’d just wanted to believe that it could be different. That Robert would learn to love him if he didn’t already. That someday Robert would choose him over Chrissie. He knew he’d just been trying to make himself believe something he knew wasn’t true. But the past week had been so perfect, had felt so right and Aaron had truly thought that they were happy. That Robert was happy, with him. He’d lost himself in all the time they spend together and maybe he’d started to believe that Robert loved him as well. Aaron grabbed the steering wheel with his hands, squeezing till his hands hurt, but the pain wasn’t enough. He’d promised Robert that he wouldn’t run again, but that was just an empty promise now. Apparently the past week had meant nothing to Robert. So why should he keep his promise? Robert obviously didn’t care.

Aaron put a fist against his mouth to stop himself from making too much noise. He was practically shaking with tears. His throat was closed up and it felt like he couldn’t breathe.

All Robert’s talk about Katie’s dead. Robert had told him it wasn’t his fault. That he wasn’t to blame. But all Robert had done was tell him what he wanted to hear. All he’d done was lie to Aaron, again. And it was Aaron’s own fault for wanting to believe him. But goddamn it. It wasn’t fair.

Aaron wiped the tears from his cheeks and tried to pull himself back together. Robert wasn’t worth crying over, but he just couldn’t stop. Robert’s betrayal felt like a stab to the stomach.

A month ago he would have been pleased that his affair with Robert had been exposed, but he just didn’t care anymore.

Because it truly didn’t change anything.

Even now, now that Robert had been given the perfect opportunity to choose Aaron, he still choose Chrissie. That was really all he needed to know.

xXx

“I’m calling her right now. You can pack your bags Robert. I think it’s better if you’re gone before she gets home,” Lawrence’s voice was like an annoying buzzing and all Robert wanted to do was wipe that smug expression of the older man’s face. He was suddenly reminded why he’d disliked Lawrence ever since their first meeting.

Robert had been staring out of the window, his mind still caught on the expression on Aaron’s face when he’d told Robert to fuck off, but when he saw Lawrence grab his phone out of the corner of his eye, he made a sudden move and caught Lawrence’s hand in his own.

Lawrence tried to pull away, but Robert had strength, height and youth on his side so Lawrence really didn’t stand a chance. He easily pulled the phone out of Lawrence’s hand. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” Robert said. After his initial panic, the hurt of betraying Aaron had quickly brought back his calm and cunning self.

Lawrence narrowed his eyes at Robert. “You think you can stop me boy? You can take my phone, but you can’t stop what you’ve set in motion. You’ve brought on your own downfall.”

The corners of Robert’s mouth turned upwards into a cold smile. “I think you’re forgetting something important here Lawrence.” Robert stepped towards Lawrence and suddenly the tables were turned. Now it was Lawrence who had to keep himself from taking a step backwards. “I know you. And what you’ve done.” Robert let his hand glide over Lawrence shoulders and felt the barely there moment in which Lawrence stiffened. Got you, Robert thought, forcing himself not to show the smugness on his face. “You may have knowledge which could end my marriage with Chrissie, but I’ve got knowledge that could end your life.” Robert took in a long, calm breath as he secretly enjoyed the angered expression on Lawrence’s face. Robert pursed his lips together as he added: “And we wouldn’t want that to happen. Imagine how heartbroken Chrissie would be if something happened to you.”

“Are you threating me?” Lawrence didn’t raise his voice, but the low tenor in his voice always brought out a certain dominance in his whole appearance that made people listen to him, that made lesser people than Robert quiver. It had never faced Robert, all Lawrence was too him was a pathetic middle aged man that he’d to tolerance in his life for Chrissie’s sake.

“No, I’m telling you what will happen if you don’t keep your mouth shut about a little mistake I happened to make.” Robert leaned back against the counter and crossed his arms. “A mistake I won’t make again. But that doesn’t mean that Chrissie has to know. We don’t unnecessary want to hurt her, now do we?”

Something that was close to hatred burned in Lawrence eyes as he stared back at Robert and for a moment Robert thought that Lawrence would refuse because of the deep, painful damage Robert was carving into Lawrence’s ego. But Lawrence wasn’t stupid, there was no way out for him. Robert could destroy him and they both knew it. He’d known it when he introduced Robert to Chrissie and he’d known it when Robert got the job as a real-estate manager.

Lawrence gave a tight nod with his head. As much as Robert had wounded his pride, he would never show weakness, even in defeat. It was one of the few things that Robert respected about Lawrence.

Robert strolled past Lawrence to the fridge and took a beer out of it. When he turned he held it out for Lawrence to take. When Lawrence made no move to take it, Robert smiled lightly, shrugging, and uncapped it to enjoy it himself. “So tell me. How was the vacation?”

Lawrence snarled at him. “You may have something over me. But that doesn’t meant that I’m going to let you do this. You end this… this thing… with him. Or I’ll find a way to get you out of our lives whether it will have bad consequences or not. Understood boy?! Don’t think you know what’s like to play the big game. You’ve no idea what you’re getting yourself into Robert. You always think you hold all the cards, but I think you soon will learn how ignorant you truly are.”

With those words Lawrence left the room before Robert had the chance to answer. The smugness Robert felt disappeared and all he was left with was the bitter taste that his beer had left in his mouth.

xXx

The raindrops were cooling on his heated skin. The sky was clouded, making it look like the surroundings were wrapped in a sad, gloomy atmosphere. It fitted exactly with how Aaron felt right now and for a moment he felt comforted. There was no sound in the woods, all he heard was the rhythmic ticking of his feet on the ground.

After he’d composed himself he’d driven home. He’d almost ran into another car because he wasn’t paying attention, but he’d managed to get home safely. He’d forced himself to have a calm conversation with Chas, but he wasn’t sure if he’d convinced her that he was fine. His mind had been blurry and too full of crossing thoughts to be able to have a decent conversation and as soon as he saw the chance he’d excused himself.

It was a relief to be able to run. For the past week he’d had no desire to run, but from the moment Lawrence came in, the pressure in his head and in his emotions had quickly risen and after Robert's words, he hadn’t been able to think of anything else.

Somewhere he was aware of the fact that it was not wise to be running now, it had been raining for hours and now the soil was wet and quite slippery. Additionally, it would be dark soon, but the pressure, the need to run was more than he could resist at the moment.

He soon forgot the time while the trees shot past him. It felt like he was completely alone in the world. It was cold and due to the rain, there was no one now who would voluntarily walk through the woods. The only reason he was aware of the passing of time was because of the increasing pain in his thighs, the pressure on his chest that slowly increased due to the excessive exertion and the vibrations in his strained upper arms.

At some point he reached the part of the forest where the trail ran up somewhat. Aaron tried to fill his lungs with as much air as possible and forced himself to run upwards at the same pace. The pressure on his chest increased until it was almost too much for him. For a moment light, black spots appeared before his eyes, but Aaron forced his body to continue.

He managed to reach the top and he momentarily felt the euphoria rush through his bloodstream because he’d exerted himself this far, it was not often that he could take the running this far without a break in between. Aaron began the descent, but the only thing that he had not taken into account was that it was raining so hard by now that there was a slight stream of water flowing from the top down. His right feet landed on a piece of wet, muddy soil and before Aaron was really aware of what was happening, his right leg slipped away from under him and he disappeared over the edge of the hill.

xXx

Robert finally found the time to step outside and get some air. It was still raining lightly, but rain had never bothered Robert. He’d always found it soothing, the sound of the rain that fell on the roof and on the tiles.

The end of the afternoon and the shared dinner had been completely uncomfortable. They hadn’t spoken many words. The only thing Lawrence had been willing to tell him was that he came back home a day early because he’d had to take care of some business. Lawrence had kept an eye on Robert the entire time to ensure that he would not run off and visit Aaron. It had gotten onto Robert nerves and he constantly had to keep himself from snapping at Lawrence. He didn’t want to give the man the satisfaction.

And as much as Robert had tried to hold back his thoughts, they kept going back to Aaron. The week that they had had together had meant so much to Robert. He’d lost himself in the calmness that Aaron gave him. He could laugh with Aaron and just do everyday things with him, but nothing felt daily with Aaron. Aaron gave everything a special layer, something that Robert had not experienced before. He could not believe he was already missing him. Aaron had only been away for a few hours, but already Robert would prefer to have him stand beside him.

He knew he’d really hurt Aaron and the guilt gnawed at him. When Lawrence had entered, his brains short-circuited and at that time it had seemed to be the best solution to dismiss Aaron as nothing special. He had not intended to hurt Aaron, but it had seemed the only solution.

He just had to explain to Aaron why he’d said what he said and from there on they just had to find a way to work things out. Robert knew one thing for sure; he could and would not lose Aaron.

He slipped his phone out of his jacket and dialed Aaron’s number. Robert mentally prayed for Aaron to pick up, but after a few rings it went to voicemail. “Aaron, I know you’re angry at me right now and with reason.” Robert paused and took a deep breath, he dragged a hand across his face. “You just have to know that I didn’t mean any of it. This week…” he leaned back against the brick wall and tipped his head to the sky, raindrops falling onto his face. He found it hard to find the right words to say. “This week meant a lot to me and I really lo... liked having you here. I didn’t want it to end like this, we’re supposed to have one more night together, and now it just ended so abruptly.” Robert grounded his teeth in frustration of his impotency to find the right words. “I’m really sorry okay. And just… just take care of yourself alright.” Robert hang up before he’d the chance to say any more embarrassing stuff.

He sighed, he needed to get back inside before Lawrence was coming to look for him. He was almost looking forward to having Chrissie back home tomorrow, that way Lawrence would be forced to stay off his back. He watched the rain for a few more minutes, wondering where Aaron was and what he was doing before he headed back inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since we don't really know much about the history between Robert, Lawrence and Chrissie from before they came to Emmerdale, I've decided to write my own version of events and make up my own history. I hope you enjoyed this chapter!
> 
> You can find me on tumblr on: http://hayfieldmc.tumblr.com/


	9. Chapter 9

_Fucking hell_ , was the first thing Aaron thought as he slowly arose from his slumber. His head was pounding and all his muscles felt stiff and strained. _Where the hell am I?_ He lay on his stomach and the underground he was lying on was really hard, in addition it felt as if there were a thousand needles or pebbles pricking into his body. He wondered if maybe he’d accidently fallen asleep on the ground of his bedroom floor. He couldn’t remember, but maybe he’d been drinking which would explain the pounding in his head. He moved his fingers over the ground, for a moment confused when he hit something granular and then something that rustled. _It couldn’t be?_ Aaron forced his eyes open and saw absolutely nothing. It was pitch dark and he’d to let his eyes adjust. When he could see a little more, he took the rustling thing into his hand and frowned. _A leaf? What the hell?_ Aaron tried to push himself up to get a better look and hissed when a shot of pain ran through his middle- and forefinger when he placed his left hand on the ground. He immediately withdrew his left hand and pushed himself upwards with only his right till he sat on his knees. He tentatively touched the middle- and forefinger of his left hand and cursed out loud when an inexplicable pain shot through his fingers, hand and all the way up his arm.

“God dammit,” Aaron muttered to himself. He’d broken his fingers. The pain also brought back the memories. He glanced up at the large, looming hill on his left and cursed again. He’d actually fallen down a goddamn hill. When he looked back down and spotted a stone just next to where his head had lain when he woke up, he knew he was lucky not to have injured himself more severely.

With his right hand he reached for his phone, which he always kept in his pocket when he ran, but it wasn’t there. For a moment Aaron wanted to scream in frustration but he forced himself to keep calm by taking a deep breath. Having a panic attack right now would do him no good at all.

He moved his hand over the muddy ground, hitting stones and twigs, but no phone. Aaron was close to just giving up when he hit something hard and rectangular. _Thank god_ , Aaron thought as he picked up his phone. He touched the screen and for a moment he was blinded by the light. He let his eyes get used to the bright light and moved his finger over the screen to call his mother or Robert, Aaron wasn’t sure who, but nothing happened. He touched the screen again, trying to get it of its lock, but the screen didn’t respond to his touch. “Fuck,” Aaron cursed, almost throwing his phone away, but thinking better of it. It seemed that the screen of his phone had broken during the fall.

Aaron sighed harshly. It seemed that he’d no choice but to walk.

With his right hand he pushed himself into a crouch before completely standing up. For a moment he felt dizzy and lightheaded so he waited till the feeling disappeared, leaning against a tree close to his right. He was really, fucking tired, which seemed stupid because he at least must have been unconscious for a few hours. Aaron wondered if nobody was wondering where he was, but then he remembered that he hadn’t slept at home all week so Chas wouldn’t find it suspicious that he wasn’t at home and after what had happened with Robert…

Aaron flinched when he remembered what had happened between them, and what Robert had said. _“He means nothing to me, alright. All he is to me is just a warm body, a simple fuck, nothing more.”_

Robert wouldn’t miss him either.

So he just had to find his own way home. He practically ran this every day, maybe not for the past week, but every week before that he had. He was going to be just fine, at least that was what he was trying to convince himself off.

So Aaron walked, using the light from his mobile phone to illuminate the way. He didn’t really know how much time passed. He felt lost in his head and everything seemed very surreal. Even the pain felt far away. He knew it was there, pretty much his whole body hurt, but it was vacant, like a faraway thought.

The sun was rising by the time he reached the edge of the village. Aaron almost didn’t realize, it felt like he had just blinked his eyes, and suddenly he was there. He walked on, until he saw The Woolpack appear in sight. _Home._

When he’d reached the front door, he just wanted to sit down and cry in relieve, but instead he picked up the reserve key that lay on top of the doorframe and pushed his way inside.

Everything was quiet and dark when he entered. He switched on the light in the living room and stumbled across the room to get to the sink. He wanted to pick up a glass, but he had to grab the counter to stop himself from toppling over. For a few seconds he just stood there, holding the counter, breathing in and out through his mouth. When he felt less dizzy he picked up a glass and drained a few glasses of water. His thirst was insatiable.

Eventually his thirst lessened and he left the living room to climb upstairs. Aaron honestly had no idea how he managed to get onto the landing, but he did. He stepped into his room, kicked of his shoes and wet clothes and fell down onto his bed. He was gone as soon as his head hit the pillow.

xXx

It was late when Robert woke up. Last night he’d known that he wouldn’t be able to sleep without having Aaron next to him for the first time in weeks, so he’d drunk a lot before he went to bed, which explained the light headache he was having.

The first thing he did was check his phone. There was a message from Chrissie telling him she would be home around noon, but no messages from Aaron. Robert wasn’t surprised, but he felt the disappointment course through his body. He hovered over Aaron’s name, tempted to call Aaron again, but it was little past eleven and Robert knew he needed to hurry. He got out of bed and took a quick shower. After he’d dressed he went downstairs, reluctant to face Lawrence. To say that the atmosphere had been cold yesterday was naming it lightly.

At the end of the evening Robert had been close to killing Lawrence himself. The aggressive comments he’d been making and the cold stares he’d been given… The man was just trying to get a reaction out of him, which had been the only reason that Robert hadn’t gotten angry at him. It was just like it had been before the raid, constantly having to prove himself, paying attention to what he was doing, what he was saying. It had been frustrating then, but this time it was ten times worse. In addition Lawrence had been trying to get Robert to give him something on Aaron, but Robert hadn’t spoken a word about him. All of it felt completely wrong, Robert wasn’t used to keeping his mouth shut.

Lawrence was sitting at the kitchen table, reading a paper, when Robert entered. Lawrence immediately looked up and gave him a cold stare. “Rough night?” the older man asked, his tone was sneering.

Robert huffed, not bothering to answer. For now he didn’t have to keep up pretenses. That would start as soon as Chrissie came home, so for now he wouldn’t force himself to have a conversation with Lawrence. He grabbed a box with aspirins, took two, and downed them with some water.

He made coffee and toast and sat down at the kitchen table to eat his breakfast. Lawrence kept reading his paper calmly, not looking up once, but Robert knew that all of Lawrence’s senses were completely focused on him. It was kind of creepy so Robert just pretended that Lawrence wasn’t there.

Instead he kept thinking about Aaron, which didn’t make him feel any better. His mind kept providing him with images of Aaron’s face when he said what he’d said, the tears in his eyes and the betrayal audible in his voice when he’d told Robert to _fuck off_.

Robert stared at his plate as he quickly lost his appetite. He forced himself to keep on eating, but he didn’t taste any of it. He was almost done when the front door opened and he heard the voices of Chrissie and Lachlan.

Robert leaned forward, pulling Lawrence’s paper down, and hissed: “Just remember to keep your mouth shut.” Lawrence narrowed his eyes and pushed Robert’s hand away from his paper to continue reading. He didn’t give any acknowledgment that he heard Robert’s words.

Robert pushed his chair backwards, plastering a smile on his face and just turned around when Chrissie and Lachlan entered the kitchen.

Chrissie’s face lit up when she spotted Robert and she walked to him, giving him a long kiss. The only thought that was going through Robert’s head as he pulled her close was that she smelled all wrong. Too much perfume and not enough…

Robert shook the thought away before it could go any further. When he pulled back from Chrissie, she muttered: “I’ve missed you.”

Robert smiled. “Me too.”

The snort from Lawrence behind him, made Robert stiffen.

Chrissie raised her eyebrows and glanced at her dad over Robert’s shoulder. “Something wrong dad?”

Robert turned sideways, his right hand resting on Chrissie’s waist, and he gave Lawrence a warning look.

Lawrence shook his head, he looked mildly amused. “Nothing’s wrong. I just can’t imagine that he’d the time to miss you with how busy he’s been.”

Chrissie glanced at him. “Much going on at work?”

Robert’s answering smile felt completely fake as he said: “Nothing I couldn’t handle.”

When Chrissie turned away to say something to Lachlan, Robert gave Lawrence an angry glare, but Lawrence just smirked back at him.

Robert turned away to give Lachlan a one armed hug in greeting before the boy disappeared upstairs. Meanwhile Chrissie sat herself down at the kitchen table and poured herself a cup of coffee. Robert gave himself a short moment to take a deep breath before he sat himself down beside her.

Chrissie reached out and intertwined their fingers. Robert almost wanted to pull his hand away in annoyance before he realized what he wanted to do. Everything felt completely wrong and it was a scary realization. Chrissie was his wife, so holding her hand shouldn’t make him feel guilty and irritated.

“So did anything happen while we were away?” Chrissie asked as she sipped her coffee.

Lawrence lifted his head and cocked his head to the side, looking at Robert. “Yes, Robert, is there anything we should know about?”

Robert narrowed his eyes at the older man and barely kept himself from kicking Lawrence under the table. It was very tempting. “Nothing, I can think off, no,” Robert said, nonchalantly.

Lawrence clasped his hands together on the table. “Nothing at all? Not even at home?”

Chrissie blinked her eyes and glanced at Lawrence with clear confusion.

“As I said, nothing I can think off,” Robert answered slowly, his anger boiling at Lawrence’s continued mocking and probing.

Lawrence turned to face Chrissie. “You know who was here when I came home yesterday?”

Chrissie pulled her hand back from Robert’s to wrap both her hands around her mug. “Who?” she asked, sipping her coffee.

“Lawrence,” Robert snapped in warning.

Chrissie turned her head towards him, her eyebrows raised, opening her mouth to speak her mind, but Lawrence was quicker.

“Aaron Livesy.”

Chrissie snapped her eyes to her dad’s face, her own words forgotten. “Aaron?” She turned to face Robert again. “I didn’t know you two were mates.”

Robert opened his mouth to answer, but Lawrence beat him to it. “Well they are. It all looked very _cozy_.”

Robert finally gave in to his desire and kicked Lawrence under the table. Lawrence hissed and Chrissie gave him a short, questioning look before returning her attention back to Robert. “You’re making new friends Robert?” She smiled at him. “I didn’t think he was your type of man, but I’m glad.” She gave his shoulder a light push. “It was about time that you made some friends around here.”

When Lawrence laughed out loud, Chrissie looked at him concerned. “Everything alright dad? You’re acting strange. It’s not your heart again, is it?”

Lawrence clasped Chrissie’s hands in his and smiled. “I’m just fine honey.”

The look Lawrence gave him told Robert that Lawrence was far from done and Robert sighed. It was gonna be a long day.

xXX

He looked terrible and felt even worse. Aaron was standing in front of the bathroom mirror, examining himself carefully, leaning his weight against the sink. There was a bruise on the left side of his face and a red scratch on the right side of his chin. There were big bags beneath his eyes and a slight swelling on the side of his head. And that was only his face.

His whole body was covered in bruises and scratches. His muscles felt strained and every move he made hurt. It was past noon, but Aaron felt exhausted. The two fingers he thought had been broken, hang at a strange angle. They had thickened and had turned blue overnight. Aaron knew that he needed to let it get checked out. Aaron sniffed and shivered, he just hoped that he hadn’t caught a cold as well. He felt worse enough as it was.

After he had woken up, he’d grabbed some clean and comfortable clothes and went straight for the bathroom after he’d made sure that there was no one around upstairs. He’d showered, cleaning away all the dirt on his body. It had made him feel slightly better and gave some relieve to his throbbing headache.

After he was done examining himself, he dressed very slowly, already dreading going downstairs. Because worse than everything that had happened last night and yesterday, the reason that he was postponing going downstairs, was that he’d have to face Chas like this. Except for a short conversation yesterday he’d been avoiding her all week and she would definitely start asking questions as soon as she saw him. The only thing he could tell her was the truth because there was no logical explanation for the way he looked. He knew she’d been suspecting that his affair with Robert was back on, but as soon as she saw him, he knew she wouldn’t leave it alone anymore.

He didn’t want to admit that she’d been right. Going back to Robert had been a mistake. But it was over now, done. He wouldn’t go back there again. Robert and him where in the past and as much as that thought hurt, Aaron knew that it had to be like this. He didn’t know how, but he’d to find a way to let Robert go. He’d to choose himself over Robert because Robert obviously always put himself first. Every word he’d said to Aaron yesterday had been prove of that. Aaron was too tired to cry, but his eyes still stung when he thought back on their week together.

He couldn’t believe that it had meant nothing to Robert. It had seemed so pure to Aaron, so real. Last week was all he’d ever wanted in a relationship and now it was all just gone. Aaron didn’t know why he was still surprised. Nothing good ever lasted in his life.

For a moment Aaron wondered what had happened between Robert and Lawrence after he left, but he pushed the thought aside, it didn’t matter anymore. What Robert did was no longer of his concern.

When Aaron was all dressed, his clothes covering all the bruises and scratches on his body, although he couldn’t hide the spots on his face and his broken fingers, Aaron knew he’d no reason to postpone going downstairs any longer.

As soon as he reached the end of the stairs, he heard two voices having an obvious discussion. Aaron felt tempted to just turn around and go back upstairs, but he figured that he would have to face them sooner or later so he collected all his courage and stepped inside.

The conversation fell silent immediately and Aaron felt something close to amusement as Diane and Chas both stared at him in clear shock. The spell was broken two seconds later when Chas pushed her chair backwards and all but ran towards him. “Oh my god Aaron, what happened to you?” She reached out to touch his face, but Aaron pulled his head back immediately when she touched a sore spot.

“Mom,” Aaron growled, taking a step backwards so he was out of her reach.

“Sorry,” she said, she looked concerned and confused. “What happened to your face?” she narrowed her eyes at him in suspicion. “Did you get into a fight?”

Aaron shook his head. “No, nothing like that. It was just a stupid accident.”

Diane frowned, finally speaking up from where she was seated. “An accident? How?”

Aaron bit his lip, running a hand through his hair. Chas looked at him piercingly and Aaron glanced away from her. “I was running and I fell. That’s all.” His voice was quiet.

“What-“ Diane started, but Chas cut her off. “Diane can you leave us alone for a moment? I’d like to talk to Aaron privately.” Her eyes were on Aaron the entire time, but he kept avoiding her gaze.

Aaron groaned internally as Diane stood up. “Of course,” she answered. As she passed Chas, she said softly: “Don’t be too hard on him.”

Aaron wanted to roll his eyes. They were like one foot away and she thought what? That he couldn’t hear them? Somewhere it annoyed him that she’d even said that, like he couldn’t take care of himself. He wasn’t a little kid.

It was silent while they waited for Diane to leave the room. When they heard the closing of the door, Chas said: “If I find out that this has anything to do with Robert-"

Aaron couldn’t keep himself from snapping at her. “It hasn’t! I told you, it was just an accident.”

“An accident!” Chas mad a motion at his face. “Look at yourself Aaron! You’re hurt. And you told me you fell? How? Where?”

“I was running and I slipped. That’s it. I was just being stupid.” Aaron pushed his right hand into his pocket and moved back and forth on the balls of his feet.

Chas raised her eyebrows. “You were running yesterday?! For god’s sake Aaron, it was raining the whole day!”

“I know that! Can you just shut up?!” Aaron growled. “You don’t have to tell me that it was stupid. I know that.”

“I’m not gonna shut up. You should have been more responsible. Anything could have happened.”

Aaron wrapped his right arm across his body in a defensive way, careful not to use the fingers of his left hand. “Yeah, but it didn’t. I told you, I’m fine. Quit worrying.”

Chas shook her head as if she couldn’t believe what he was saying. “Where were you all week Aaron? You were with Robert, weren’t you?”

Aaron opened his mouth, but apparently she knew that he was about to lie because she cut him off. “Don’t you dare lie to me Aaron. I’m not stupid. So don’t bother denying it.”

Aaron gritted his teeth. “Can we please not do this now?! I’m tired and my head hurts and I think I broke my fingers.”

Chas looked down at his hands and immediately spotted the two fingers hanging at an odd angle. She was silent for a short moment and Aaron could hear soft noises coming from the pub. “We’re going to the doctor right now,” she said suddenly, already walking past him to grab their coats.

“Mom-"

Chas held up her hand, cutting of his words. “No discussion, were going. “

Aaron sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. When he reopened them, Chas was already putting on her jacket. Aaron’s coat was lying on the couch. “I wasn’t arguing, but I don’t need you to come with me.”

“Aaron-"

This time Aaron was the one to interrupt her. “No, I’m not a little kid alright. I don’t need you to hold my hand. I’ll be fine on my own and you’ve got a shift in half an hour so…“ Aaron shrugged.

For a moment Chas looked almost insecure. “I could ask Victoria to cover for me.”

“There’s no need.” He grabbed her shoulder with his right hand and gave a soft squeeze. “I’ll be fine and I promise I’ll come back home as soon as I’m done.”

Chas looked at Aaron for a long time before she nodded. “Fine, just be careful. And don’t think this is the end of this conversation.”

Aaron managed to smile at her. He was just glad that he managed to avoid a conversation about Robert for now. “I know and I promise you I’ll be careful.”

Aaron groaned out loud when she pulled him into a tight hug.

xXx

Robert gave a sigh of relieve when he finally managed to get away from home for a moment. It was more tiring than ever to pretend. Usually it came easy to him, but Lawrence had found much fun in making this as difficult for him as possible. Robert had seriously damaged his ego and this was his way of getting back at Robert. Dining together with him and Chrissie had been hell with all of Lawrence’s two-sided comments.

Which was why Robert had needed a break. If he’d stayed for a moment longer, he would surely have done something he would have regretted later. Chrissie was oblivious, though Robert did suspect that she realized that something was going on between Lawrence and him. As long as she didn’t figure out the real reason, he didn’t have the energy to care about what she thought.

But now that he was gone he finally had the chance to see Aaron. He’d eventually, as the day passed, not been able to resist calling Aaron again, but this time he hadn’t answered either. The guilt started to grow as the hours passed and as it came close to the end of the afternoon, Robert hadn’t been able to think about anything but Aaron. He was a constant, lingering, image and thought in his mind. And as tiring as the day had been, Robert knew that he needed to sort things out with Aaron if he wanted to have any chance at sleeping tonight. He didn’t even necessarily have to talk to him, he just wanted to know if Aaron was alright.

He didn’t know how he was going to get Aaron to talk to him, but he just hoped that he would find him in the pub if only to take a look at him.

He just wanted to open the front door of the Woolpack when it was opened and Chas stepped outside. She glanced up at his towering presence and her face quickly turned from weary to angry in less than a second. She narrowed her eyes at him and said: “We need to talk, now!”

“I don’t see why we should,” Robert sneered as he rolled his eyes and wanted to slip past her, but she grabbed his wrist and stopped him.

“If you don’t want anyone to find out about your affair you better come with me,” she hissed softly.

Robert narrowed her eyes at her. “Fine. Just be quick, I don’t have all day.”

She strolled past him and he slowly followed her to the side of the building where she held still, looking around to make sure there was nobody in sight.

Robert pushed his hands into his pocket and sighed. “So? What do you want?”

“I want you to stay away from Aaron,” she said, distinctly, as if he were deaf.

Robert arched his eyebrows, speaking nonchalantly. “I haven’t been anywhere near him.”

Chas huffed out a humorless laugh. “Aaron and you both seem to think I’m stupid, but I’m not. Deny it all you want Robert, but I know.”

“Look whatever you think you know-"

Chas stepped towards him, crossing her arms in front of her chest. She glanced around quickly, probably to make sure they were alone, before she lowered her voice. “You have no idea what he’s been through. How much pain… I’m not going to watch as he goes through that all over again. He was getting better. HE was better until he met you. Ever since that affair started, I have watched as he fell back into old patterns. I don’t claim to know what happened between you or if you feel anything for him at all. But I do know how he looked this morning. He claims that it was just an accident, but something bad happened and now he’s hurt himself. He-"

A sudden wave of panic hit Robert and he’d grabbed Chas’ arm to shake her and make her talk to him before he realized what he was doing and pulled back his hand. “I don’t understand. What do you mean he has hurt himself?!” He knew that he sounded panicked and upset, but couldn’t help it. “What has happened?! Is he alright?”

Chas blinked her eyes, for a moment she seemed taken aback. “He’s… okay. He said he went for a run and fell.” She pushed her hair back from her face, she looked tired, worried. “He broke a few fingers and got some bruises, he’ll be fine.”It sounded as if she was trying to convince herself.

“When did this happen?” Robert’s voice sounded rough. He felt angry and worried. The need to see Aaron immediately was sudden and big and he’d to force himself not to turn away from Chas and find him.

“I don’t know,” she shrugged, staring into the distance. “Yesterday? Early this morning? He won’t tell me anything.”

Robert dragged a hand across his face. He’d thought that Aaron was getting better. After their talk last week, after Aaron had promised him he wouldn’t run again, he’s seemed to be much better. He’d seemed happy, freed from all that anger and pain. Robert had found himself watching Aaron all the time. Usually Aaron looked a lot older than he truly was, but in the past week he had laughed and smiled all the time and he’d look so young and carefree. Robert hadn’t been able to pull his eyes away from Aaron, almost enchanted by the beauty of seeing Aaron happy.

_Fuck_ , Robert thought, _what the hell have I done?_ He hadn’t meant for this to happen. He knew he’d hurt Aaron, but he’d thought that Aaron would understand that he didn’t mean what he’d said. He had thought that after Aaron had had some time to cool off, he would realize that Robert had just said what needed to be said, not because he meant it. How could Aaron believe that the week they spent together meant nothing to Robert?

Because it had meant everything.

That realization hit Robert like a punch to the chest and for a moment it felt like he couldn’t breathe.

The sharp sound of Chas’ voice abruptly brought him back from his thoughts and he realized he’d missed a lot of what she’d said. He moved his eyes back to her face. She sounded angry again. “You’re bad for him, so if you care about him at all you walk away.” She stepped even closer and her voice turned cold “Cause if you don’t then I’ll tell everybody about you and what kind of man you truly are. The only reason I haven’t told anybody anything yet is because it would do Aaron no good. But I will if you don’t stay away, understand?”

Robert would almost think it was funny that she was threatening him if he hadn’t been completely confused by the strength of his feelings and emotions concerning Aaron. All he wanted right now was think about what to do next and see Aaron as soon as possible to make sure he was truly alright. Chas’ word wasn’t enough.

“I’ll stay away from him,” Robert said to her, pushing his hands back into his pocket, trying to look nonchalant. “I don’t think he wants me anywhere near him anyway.”

Chas’ eyes widened in clear surprise, she probably hadn’t expected for him to give in so easily, before she turned cold again and nodded satisfied. “Good, just make sure that I don’t see you anywhere near him.”

“You won’t,” Robert replied. “We’re done here? As nice as it was to have a chat with you, I’ve got more important things to do. So if you’ll excuse me.” He turned and walked away from her. She shouted something at him, but Robert didn’t bother to listen to what she was saying.

Robert felt completely confused and for the first time in a long time he’d no idea what to do. All he knew was that he needed to see Aaron as soon as possible.

xXx

The doctor had said that he’d broken two fingers and bruised one rib. His fingers were splinted, which felt really weird. There was no real damage to his head or any other body parts, so Aaron was just relieved that it wasn’t as bad as he’d thought. The pain was manageable. The doctor said he shouldn’t do any heavy lifting for a few weeks and that he should feel as good as new in about six weeks. Aaron was just happy that he hadn’t ended up in hospital. He needed to revisit the doctor in about four weeks, to make sure his fingers had healed well.

He was sitting at one of the tables at the pub. Chas was refusing to give him any beer so he was drinking his third glass of coke. An hour ago she had left the pub for a few minutes, looking tired and concerned, but when she came back she looked strangely relieved. It said much about how bored he was that he was paying attention to details like that. He’d planned on going to work, but both Diane and Chas had stopped him from going out and he’d been forced to call Adam to tell him that he needed another day off. Which meant that Adam had to do an extra load of work which was why he was still at work even though it was past dinner time.

The front door opened and some part of Aaron looked up in the hope that it was Robert. Aaron immediately scolded his brains for wanting to see him, but it wasn’t Robert who entered, it was Victoria. Aaron tried to ignore the disappointment he felt and smiled at her.

She answered his smile and walked over to the bar to place her order. A minute later she plopped down on the couch opposite of him. “You look like hell,” she stated, leaning slightly forwards, so she could have a better look at his face.

Aaron cocked his head to the side, smiling in amusement. “Thanks,” he said.

“What did you do?” Victoria asked in concern.

Aaron placed his arms on the table and leaned forward slightly. He’d his eyes on the bar, watching as Chas looked over at him every few seconds, glancing away guilty when she realized he’d caught her. He knew she was hiding something the question was what?

“Aaron? You okay?” Victoria asked, frowning lightly.

Aaron quickly glanced at her before he moved his eyes back to the bar. “I’m fine,” he answered.

She wrapped her hands around her glass and leaned slightly forwards as well. “Are you? I know we haven’t spoken much lately, but you seem different.”

Aaron snapped his eyes to Victoria’s face and looked at her sharply. “How do you mean? I know how I must look, but I just had a stupid accident. It’s nothing to worry about.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about.”

“Then what?” Aaron snapped, in annoyance. He was tired and hurt and didn’t want to have a meaningful conversation right now.

“I don’t know.”

Aaron opened his mouth to snap at her again, but she held up his hand and to Aaron’s own surprise he found himself closing his mouth.

“I just know that something’s changed,” she paused and took a sip from her white wine. “You know a few months ago… You were okay, you were living your life, going through the motions, but that was it and sometimes I was worried about you cause you didn’t seem happy, not really anyway.” Aaron stared at her as she talked on. A strange feeling settled over him and he realized he’d a sad smile on his face. She finally glanced up and caught his eyes. “But a few months ago,” she continued softly, “I don’t know exactly when, it was a slow change, I guess, something changed. I don’t know what…” she held up her hand before he could even open his mouth. “And you don’t have to tell me. But you seem happier Aaron. Well, maybe not all the time, but it looks to me like you’re living again. Really living, not just doing what you have to, but actually doing things you enjoy.” Her face opened up and she smiled at him. “I’ve seen you smile more in the past week than I’ve seen you do in all the months since you came back from France.” She looked down at her glass, turning it around in her hand. “All I’m trying to say, whatever that thing is, that’s making you happy, don’t let go of it. It think it’s really good for you.”

Aaron didn’t know what he was supposed to say and just stared at her. Victoria’s smile was a little insecure, but as Aaron looked at her, the corners of his mouth turned upwards in a slight smile. He nodded at her and her smile turned wider.

“Victoria have you seen my keys?” Diane asked loudly. Both Aaron and Victoria looked up and glanced at the bar where Diane was emptying her purse.

Victoria turned her eyes back to Aaron and whispered: “I think I need to get over there and lend her a hand.”

“Yeah,” Aaron said. As Victoria stood up and pushed her chair backwards, he grabbed her hand and muttered: “Thanks, for… you know.”

She nodded with a smile and he let her go. He watched for a moment as she walked over to the bar and engaged in a heated conversation with Diane. Meanwhile Chas was trying to handle all the customers on her own. He would almost feel sorry for his mother if he didn’t know that she could handle it easily.

Aaron leaned back into the couch and closed his eyes. He wasn’t sure what to do with everything Victoria had just told him. He knew she had been right, he’d been smiling a lot this week, he’d been so happy. And it had an easy explanation, though he couldn’t tell her. He was in love with Robert, deeply in love and it was stupid because he knew he shouldn’t be. He’d known that from the first moment he realized that his feelings for Robert ran much deeper than simple lust. He’d tried to stop himself, to stop the feelings, just push them aside. But he couldn’t, really couldn’t, no matter how hard he tried to tell himself that had to let it go.

Even know, after everything that had happened yesterday, after everything Robert had said, he still didn’t want to let him go. He should, he knew that. It would be better if he did. But if he was completely honest with himself, he just didn’t want to. His feelings for Robert were too strong to just give up or fade away. He’d no idea how he was supposed to get over him.

A part of Aaron still wanted to find a way to forgive Robert, to win him back.

Aaron finished the last of his coke and stood up. Now was not the time to think about this. He was tired and really wanted to sleep. The doctor had said that it was normal and that he would be needing more sleep for a few days. Chas eyes were immediately upon him and he nodded her goodbye before heading for his bedroom through the back.

He slipped upstairs and immediately went to the bathroom to take a piss and brush his teeth. When he was done he walked back over the landing to his bedroom door. He was surprised to note that it was closed, he usually never closed his bedroom door, but shrugged and opened it.

When he entered his room he immediately froze at the familiar shape, sitting on his bed in the dark. “What the hell are you doing here?” Aaron hissed, quickly closing the door behind him. “And how did you get in here?”

Robert was calmly sitting on Aaron’s bed, thoroughly looking Aaron over and narrowing his eyes when he was done. “I leant these,” Robert said as he held up Diane’s keys. He met Aaron’s eyes and his face turned serious. “We need to talk.”


	10. Chapter 10

“I’ve got nothing to say to you,” Aaron snapped in a low voice, his eyes burning with pure anger. He hit something on the right side of the wall and the lights switched on a second later. 

Robert barely heard him. All he could do was stare at Aaron. He slowly took in his appearance; the dark bruise on the right side of his face, the red scratch on his chin, his tired eyes and the way he held his body; he was hunching, his shoulders hanging low. He was clearly in pain and weary. The most obvious were the two fingers of his right hand; wrapped in bandages and splinted. 

The panic that had been a distant feeling at the back of his head while he waited on Aaron, came back alive with a roar and Robert could feel his heartbeat pick up a notch. His palms felt sweaty and he wiped them on his jeans while he forced himself to stay where he was, Aaron wouldn’t want him to touch him right now, but the desire was strong. He wanted to run his hands all over Aaron just to make sure that he was truly alright. When he thought about what could have happened…

He stopped that train of thought and pondered about the best way to start this conversation. He’d been thinking about it for hours. How he would apologize to Aaron, tell him that he hadn’t meant any of the words he’d spoken earlier, tell him that the last week had meant a lot to him. 

But when he opened his mouth the words coming out of them were completely different than he’d intended. “You promised me you wouldn’t run again.” His voice sounded accusing, maybe even a little hurt. Robert blinked his eyes when he heard what he said and in that moment he wished he could take them back. It was the complete wrong thing to say and as he lifted his head he saw the anger in Aaron’s eyes. 

Stupid, stupid, Robert thought, but he couldn’t take the words back so now he just had to find a way to make this conversation work from this point. 

“I don’t see how that’s any of your business,” Aaron snarled. 

Robert was surprised by the mild anger in Aaron’s voice, usually he reacted very passionate and furious if Robert said anything this provocative to him, but he didn’t sound extremely angry, mostly he sounded weary and aggrieved. 

Aaron leaned back against the door. His stance tired as he closed his eyes for a few seconds. Robert just watched him with an intent expression on his face. "Someone has to stop you from hurting yourself and it’s obviously not you.” Robert was vaguely surprised by how angry he sounded. He’d pushed himself from the bed and was now standing in front of Aaron. 

Aaron’s eyes snapped open, up to Robert’s face. He met Robert’s gaze, his eyes filled with stubbornness and disbelieve. “So you’re gonna make it yours?” Aaron snorted, shaking his head. Then suddenly something changed in Aaron’s eyes and Robert could now clearly see the anger in his eyes as Aaron spat: “You couldn’t stop me if you tried. “

Robert raised his eyebrows, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “You sure about that?”

Aaron smirked, but it was bitter, cold. “What are you gonna do Robert? Tell my mom? Tell Paddy? Lock me in my room so I couldn’t possibly leave?”

“Dammit Aaron,” Robert snapped, stepping into Aaron’s space. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been this frustrated. He almost felt the desire to hit something and stopped himself before he could shake some sense into Aaron. “Why are you making this so hard on yourself? I know I hurt you yesterday, but this is not the way to deal with it.”

Aaron didn’t flinch or step back from Robert’s close presence. He placed his right hand against Robert’s chest and pushed him backwards so he could step past him. Robert turned around and followed Aaron with his eyes. “Stop it, Robert,” Aaron spat as he turned back towards him, his eyes darkening. “Right now, you are the last person who gets to judge me. You definitely made it clear to me that I meant nothing to you. So what I do or don’t do is none of your business. I don’t even understand why you bothered coming here. Just go, Robert. I’ve got nothing to say to you, cause we’re done.” 

The anger in Aaron’s voice made Robert flinch from the inside. For a moment Robert considered doing what Aaron was saying. Everything was messed up enough as it was. He didn’t want to make it any worse. Didn’t want to anger or hurt Aaron even more, but he couldn’t because if he walked away right now nothing would change. Aaron would go on with his self-harming and Robert couldn’t let him do that. “No I can’t. Not till we’ve talked about this. Not till we find a way to deal with your problems.”

Aaron flinched and Robert could see how Aaron unconsciously clenched his fists as his anger took control of his body. He immediately stood straighter and his muscles became tense as if he was getting ready for a fight. “I’m not the one with a problem Robert. I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not. Look at yourself Aaron,” Robert said as he gestured at Aaron’s body. “You could have seriously injured yourself, or worse. I know that there are a lot of things on your mind, but that’s no reason to hurt yourself like this.”

In less than a second Aaron was in Robert’s face and he felt himself being pushed backwards until he hit the wall with his back. Aaron’s breathing was accelerated and his hands had a strong grip on Robert’s jacket and arm, even with his two broken fingers. When Robert met Aaron’s eyes, he was taken aback by the anger and something that looked like hatred, burning in his sockets. For a moment Robert felt actual fear. The anger in Aaron’s eyes and body was greater than he’d ever seen, and for a few heartbeats Robert thought that Aaron would actually hit him. He was surprised that there was a part of him that even wanted him to, like there was some part of him that felt like he deserved it. “Don’t you fucking dare Robert. This has nothing to do with you. I fell, that’s what happened. I didn’t hurt myself because you hurt me.” Suddenly the hands disappeared and Aaron took a few steps away from him, not breaking their eye contact. “You seriously think I’m that pathetic? That I care that much about what you said? After all this time I’ve learned not to expect anything from you.” The last words sounded bitter.

Robert felt a shiver run through his body and he took a deep breath when he realized he’d been holding his breath the entire time Aaron had him backed against the wall. He licked his dry lips and said: “I know you Aaron, whether you like it or not. All of this started because you couldn’t handle the fact that Katie died and now you start hurting yourself every time something bad happens. You seriously want to kid yourself into thinking that you’re alright Aaron? Because you’re not. I know you’re not.” Robert could hear the concern for Aaron reverberate in his voice, but he wasn’t sure Aaron heard it too, Aaron’s eyes stayed dark. Robert took a step forwards, in Aaron’s direction. “Let me help you,” his voice was only a low whisper and he could see how his words were now starting to affect Aaron. Aaron wasn’t able to look at him anymore, his eyes wavering to the ground. Robert entered Aaron’s personal space as he continued in a soft voice: “Please Aaron, just…” His eyes wavered over Aaron’s face for a moment. “I know you’re not okay.”

Aaron’s whole body froze at his last words and when he raised his head it looked like something had snapped inside of him. “NO, you’re right I’m not okay. But what did you expect? Huh? That I would be as cold as you? That I can life with having killed Katie?” He was close to screaming and Robert could tell that Aaron had trouble keeping his voice down. Robert had the sudden urge to reach out and comfort Aaron. To make all his pain go away. Even now he felt that explicable pull to be closer to him. It was almost strange to realize that that need to be close to Aaron had been there for a much longer time. He just hadn’t dared to admit it to himself before, but now that he knew, it was impossible to ignore it. 

“Aaron…,” Robert started, not really knowing what he wanted to say.

Aaron ran a hand through his hair, shaking his head in an uncontrolled way. “You know what? I don’t understand you Robert. I really don’t.” He looked up at Robert and his eyes were pained and uncomprehending. “How you can just live your life knowing what happened. How you can look your brother in the eye and pretend that you don’t know the truth about his wife’s death. At first I thought that you just hid your emotions very well. That it hurt you as much as it did me, but that you just didn’t show it. But that’s not how it is, is it? You honestly don’t care about her. About her death. About what we did. You’re just glad to have gotten rid of her because she knew about us.”

Aaron’s words shocked and hurt him in a strange way. It was rare that somebody managed to hurt him at all, but he felt his heart stutter and his breath catch. His voice was hoarse when he spoke: “You know the-”

But Aaron didn’t give him the chance to say what was on his mind because he younger man interrupted him immediately. “No, just shut up. I can’t do this, Robert. I thought I could pretend, but I can’t. You know this last week, I kid myself into believing that it meant as much to you as it does to me. This thing between us. I wanted to believe so bad that you could love me. And even a few hours ago I was still thinking about getting back together with you. Because all this time there was a part of me that was hoping that someday you would chose me over her. That you would find a way to deal with all the things that are keeping you from being with me and leave Chrissie.”

Aaron paused to catch his breath and Robert found himself frozen, unable to speak. He felt completely lost for words, the only thought going through his head was that this could not be happening right now. The pain in Aaron’s voice made his chest ache in a way he’d never experienced before. Aaron’s eyes had filled with tears and one was slipping down his cheek. Robert wanted to reach out and brush the tear away, but he couldn’t move and even if he could have, Aaron wouldn’t have let him touch him anyway. Not anymore. 

It occurred to Robert that he’d truly messed up this time. 

Aaron shrugged, in a defeated way. “But you won’t. Never will. That’s just not who you are. The life you have with Chrissie just means much more to you.”

Robert finally found back the way to move and he stepped towards Aaron, his face only inches from the younger man. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do or say, but he knew that he needed to be closer to Aaron. But Aaron stopped him by taking a step back. Usually Robert didn’t respond to that sort of thing, but the broken look in Aaron’s eyes made him pause in hesitation. 

Aaron took a shivering breath and said: “Please just go and leave me to deal with my own problems. Stop feeling responsible for them, stop pretending to care. I’ll find a way to deal with it. Just as I will find a way to deal with Katie’s death. But please just go.” 

“I can’t,” Robert whispered. “I can’t leave you like this.”

Aaron wiped the tears from his eyes and he seemed to regain his anger at Robert’s refusal to leave. “It’s truly not that hard Robert,” he snapped, moving closer again. “Just open the goddamn door and walk out. It will be better for both of us.”

Robert shook his head. “It’s not better. Once I walk out that door, you’ll just continue what you’re doing. You’ll keep on running from you problems till someday something truly goes wrong,” he said, his voice way calmer than he felt from the inside. A part of him felt like screaming and it was a weird occurrence. He never felt out of control like this. 

“So?” Aaron muttered bitterly. 

“Don’t do that. Don’t act like it doesn’t matter,” Robert growled, feeling inexplicably angry for no other reason than Aaron’s refusal to see himself the way Robert saw him. The hatred Aaron seemed to feel for himself was not something Robert understood. Aaron wasn’t perfect, far from, but he’d the best sense of humor and his usual crankiness was adorable. He was intelligent and passionate about the things he enjoyed doing, he was willing to do just about anything for the people he loved and he was more forgiving of mistakes and flaws than most people deserved. 

And that’s why Robert didn’t understand. He understood the basics of people self-harming. He got that Aaron felt an unexplainable guilt and that negative emotions had a big effect on him, a lot more than on most people, but he didn’t understand how Aaron could feel like he was deserving of any pain. How he could think that he was not worthy. Ever since he’d met Aaron he’d started to see that there truly were good people in the world. If he would ever explain this to Aaron, the younger man would surely laugh in his face because Robert knew that Aaron had done a lot of bad stuff in the past, but when it came down to it Aaron always did the right thing. He was always there for the people needing him and willing to do just about anything when they needed his help. He always put other people first and maybe that’s what was so attractive about Aaron. He was completely unlike Robert, who always put himself first. Aaron wasn’t the typical good guy, but he’d a big heart and once he loved someone he did it with an all forgiving passion and intensity that was truly admirable. 

“Why?” Aaron hissed before he paced away from him. He held still in front of the window and looked out over something that was probably the street. Robert had never taken the time to look out of the window. Aaron didn’t turn around as he spoke: “Cause I mean so much to you? Go home, there’s nothing left to say.” His shoulders were hunched and his tone of voice was quiet yet bitter. 

“Yes there is. We’re not done,” Robert stated in a harsh voice as he looked at Aaron’s back. For once Robert wished that Aaron had the ability to read his mind. That way he could see everything Robert didn’t know how to say out loud. 

Aaron turned sideways and glanced at him. He shrugged his shoulders and Robert could see the wetness in his eyes from renewed, unshed tears. “We’re done Robert. You said it yourself. You and me, it means nothing. And even if it did, it never should have.”

A lump appeared in Robert's throat and he could do little more than whisper. “You told me you loved me.”

He could see Aaron swallow like his throat had closed up as well. “Well, that was obviously just a mistake,” Aaron muttered. It sounded like he’d to force the words out of him. As if he didn’t want to say them at all, but only said them because he felt like he had to. 

“What are you saying, Aaron?” Robert asked as he stepped closer, Aaron stiffened, but this time it didn’t make Robert pause. He walked on till he was on touching distance from Aaron. He clenched his hands into fists to stop himself from reaching for the younger man. “Are you saying that you don’t love me? That this is not what you want?”

Aaron’s head snapped up and his teary eyes met Robert’s. His voice was rough, “Of course this is not what I want. What I want is a real relationship with someone who actually loves me.” He paused, taking a deep breath as he completely turned away from the window to face Robert. “But that’s not us. All we ever were was one big lie. We secretly being together behind your wife’s back, lying to our friends, our family. And now having to hide the truth of Katie’s death as well. Me lying to myself about you actually loving me….” Aaron moved his eyes to the ceiling and it looked like he was trying to stop himself from letting the tears fall down his face. “It’s all just lies,” he whispered mostly to himself. 

Robert shook his head, trying to deny the words Aaron’s was speaking by shaking them away. “You and me, it’s not a lie,” he said in complete honesty. They may have started out as a simple one night stand, but it had quickly turned into so much more. Robert hadn’t been able to face that truth for the longest time, trying to convince himself that the feelings he’d been forming for Aaron, couldn’t be happening, weren’t supposed to happen. He was engaged and married later on and he shouldn’t be developing feelings for another man. But it was no use denying his feelings anymore. They were there and he didn’t want to pretend that they weren’t. They were the realest feelings he’d ever had for anybody and it was time to voice them out loud. 

He opened his mouth to say the words he should have spoken a long time ago, but Aaron seemed to read something in his eyes because he said: “No... Robert… Don’t-“

“I love you.” 

It wasn’t a revelation to say it out loud. It didn’t bring him any relieve or happiness. It was the simple truth, a truth that hurt Robert in ways he’d never felt before. Because he was telling the truth, he really did love Aaron, but he shouldn’t, didn’t want to. He was supposed to be happy with Chrissie, he was supposed to share the rest of his life with her. Why couldn’t that be enough? Why did he fell for this man? A man that could never give him that life of wealth and power he’d always desired. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. He’d never wanted this for himself. 

He could read in Aaron’s eyes and body posture that the younger man knew what was going through Robert’s head. A few tears had spilled from his eyes, but he didn’t seem to be aware of it. His attention was completely and utterly focused on Robert and regret was coursing through his eyes. “You know how long I’d been waiting for you to say that, but now I just wish you hadn’t,” Aaron said, finally turning his head away and looking back out of the window. 

“It’s true.”

“I know….” Aaron whispered. He wrapped his right arm across his body, like it helped keep himself together and he was tightly squeezing his left arm, apparently unaware of what he was doing. Or maybe the pain helped him focus, Robert wasn’t sure. “I know, but it’s not enough, is it?” Aaron glanced at him again and smiled bitterly. “It doesn’t change anything. You won’t leave Chrissie for me. So it doesn’t really matter that you said it. You loving me will never be enough.”

He wanted to tell Aaron that he was wrong, tell him that it was enough, but as he opened his mouth to say it, he knew that he couldn’t, knew that he couldn’t lie to Aaron, not about this. “It must mean something, change something,” Robert said instead, remembering why he’d come here in the first place. “I’m not asking you to get back together with me. I’m asking you to stop hurting yourself. Please.”

Aaron’s eyes hardened and he hissed: “What? For you? I remember that you said to me that I shouldn’t get better for anyone but myself. I don’t need you telling me what to do. You thinking I need you to get better. I can look after myself. I don’t need you.” 

Robert gritted his teeth “That’s not what I’m saying at all. You’re twisting my words.”

Aaron didn’t seem to hear him. He was pacing away from the window, crossing the room, walking back past Robert, without looking or touching him. “You know. I used to think you were different. That that façade you showed to the world wasn’t who you really were. But maybe I just wanted to see something that wasn’t there. Believe that you could be better, good, but you’re not.” Suddenly he snapped around and he stepped into Robert’s personal space, glaring at him. His voice was cold and angry. “You’re a cheating, lying man, having an affair behind your wife’s back.” His face turned grim as he looked away from Robert. “And I guess I’m not much better. Maybe even worse cause I know what stuff like this does to people, the lying, the cheating, but I’m doing it anyway, hurting people I love, lying to them, all so I could be with you.” His anger seemed to flow away and once again he looked tired, hurt and very, very young. Robert wanted to pull him into his arms and just hold him, but he knew that he couldn’t. Aaron put his hand against his mouth and closed his eyes for a few seconds, Robert just watched him. As Aaron reopened his eyes they were filled with self-hatred and grief. “But that’s not even it. The worst part of it all, is that someone died because of us, because of me. Because I couldn’t stand it anymore, doing what I did, the lies, and the pain. Because I loved you and I wanted you to love me back, for you to choose me. She died because of all the lies and I’m responsible for all of it.”

It hit Robert then how much Aaron truly blamed himself for Katie’s death. He’d known, of course he did, but Aaron truly believed that it was all on him, like he’d killed her personally. And as long as Aaron kept blaming himself, believing it was his fault, he would never be able to move on. The guilt and self-hatred would be a weight on his shoulders, getting heavier by the passing of time. Till eventually it would be more than he could handle. It was already too much for him to handle. All the running he’d been doing had been an outlet for his whirlwind of emotions, but his emotions didn’t fade by it. All they did was disappear for a while, while he was running. But once he was done, once he’d pushed himself over the edge again, they would return and the need to run would grow and grow, till he couldn’t resist anymore. It was an endless circle, one Aaron couldn’t break by himself. One that he would never give up on as long as he believed that Katie’s death was his fault. In that moment it became clear to Robert what he’d to do and the decision came almost easily to him. His voice was trembling lightly while he spoke: “You’re wrong. You’re not to blame for anything. Her death… it’s all on me.”

Aaron looked up at him, his eyes still watery. Robert knew that Aaron didn’t understand what he was saying, confessing. “We both know that’s not true, Robert,” he said. “I brought her there. I was the one who told her to make a picture of us. She wouldn’t have been there in the first place if it wasn’t for me.”

“You don’t understand. I lied to you about what happened,” Robert said, he felt strangely, almost scarily calm. His heart was beating a steady rhythm in his chest and he was breathing evenly. 

Robert’s words finally seemed to get through to Aaron and his eyes sharpened as he stared at Robert. “What are you talking about?” he asked, his voice shaking with a mix of realization, fear and anger. 

Robert took a deep breath as sudden fear poured through his body when he realized what he was about to say, about to lose. “It was an accident. I didn’t meant for it to happen. I couldn’t have known that the floor would just break from underneath her. I didn’t know.” His voice sounded rough and when he blinked his eyes, he was surprised to realize that they were wet. 

“What did you do Robert?” Aaron growled as he stood frozen on the ground, his hands clenched into fists, despite his broken fingers, and his body shaking. Robert couldn’t find the right words to say and suddenly Aaron seemed to snap: “Robert, what did ya do?!” 

“We got into this big row and she said something and I got so mad….” The memories he’d banned from his thoughts for weeks, flashed through his mind and the guilt he’d forced away to a dark part of his brain, seeped through, overflowing all of his senses. He was barely aware of where he was, who he was talking to. “I didn’t mean for it to happen Aaron…” his voice hitched and vaguely he realized he was shaking. “I pushed her… I pushed her and the floor just broke…” he met Aaron’s eyes. “She died because I pushed her.”

“No…,” Aaron’s voice trembled as he spoke: “no… no.” Aaron stepped backwards, out of Robert’s reach. “Robert, no.”

Robert pushed a shaking hand through is hair. “Aaron. I’m sorry. I-“

“Don’t you fucking dare apologize to me,” Aaron cried out. “You told me it was just accident. You made me believe that it was my fault.” Something seemed to hit him and suddenly he stood completely still. His breathing stocked. “You killed her.”

Robert shook his head in denial. He could feel a tear running down his cheek. “Don’t say that to me… please,” he looked at Aaron pleadingly. “It was an accident, you have to understand that.” 

“You pushed her Robert,” Aaron stated, in a voice that sounded panicked, angry and scared. “You pushed her and she died. That sounds like murder to me.”

“No…”

“You told me she deleted the photo, but she didn’t, did she? That was you. You were still thinking about yourself even after you killed her.” Aaron squeezed his eyes shut as tears kept rolling down his cheeks. “I can’t believe this is happening.”

Robert moved towards Aaron and he tried to grab his wrist, arm, anything. “Aaron just calm down. Let’s talk about this.” 

Aaron slapped his hand away. “I’m not calming the fuck down. You… you killed her and afterwards you called me to clean up after you. You made me wipe away our fingerprints, our footsteps. After what you did. And you lied to me about it for months. Even after you knew what is was doing to me, what the guilt did to me, you just kept on lying.”

“I just wanted to protect you.”

“Protect me?!” Aaron laughed, but not with joy, it sounded pained, almost hysterical. “You were protecting yourself. And that’s what it all comes down to in the end. You. That’s all you care about.” 

Aaron looked up at him, his eyes filled with hurt, anger and maybe the worst of all, betrayal. “To think that I thought we could be together. That I thought you could love me.”

“I do love you Aaron,” Robert said in a rush. “I meant what I said.”

“Don’t you say that to me,” Aaron spat. “I don’t want to hear anymore lies. You should be in prison for what you did.”

Robert fell silent as he stared at Aaron. “Aaron please…” Robert didn’t know what he wanted to say, just that he had to keep on talking. He needed to make Aaron understand. Needed to make him see. 

Aaron wiped the tears from his cheeks with the back of his hand. “Get out.”

“Aaron-”

“Get out. Out of my room. Out of my life. I don’t ever want to see you again.”

“Don’t. Just…”

“OUT! NOW!” Aaron cried out as he gave Robert a hard shove. Robert stumbled backwards and hit the wall with his back. The air was pushed out of his lungs and he had to grab the closet next to the door to steady himself. He stared at Aaron, whose chest was heaving, and Aaron looked back at him with clear disgust. 

In that moment Robert knew that there was nothing left to say. He’d made the decision to tell Aaron the truth of what had truly happened and now he’d to face the consequences. He’d probably truly lost Aaron this time and that thought hurt more than Robert could process right now. He was floating in a sea of emotions and he was just trying to shut them all out by building walls in his head that needed to keep all feelings and thoughts out. 

There was only one thing Robert still needed to know and as much as it had seemed of important before, right now he couldn’t care less. The only reason he forced himself to voice the words out loud, was that it was important information that he needed if he wanted to prepare himself. Robert knew that he shouldn’t ask, that it wasn’t making anything any better, but he needed to know. “What about…?” 

“You mean the police?” Aaron laughed scornfully as if he read Robert’s mind, but his breathing hitched and it almost turned into a sob. He pulled in a deep breath and pushed his hands into his pocket. “I guess you’ll just have to wait and find out.” He didn’t look at Robert, but stared at a spot on the wall. He looked defeated and closed off. 

Robert forced himself to open the door, his head a blur of emotions. Robert stopped in the doorway and looked over his shoulder at Aaron's stature. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. 

He was gone before Aaron had the chance to answer.


	11. chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the long wait. I've been busy writing other stories, but now I'm back writing this one!

Aaron collapsed onto the bed and his closed eyes filled with tears as soon as the door closed behind Robert. The pain he was feeling was mixed with a dull anger. It felt like he was being consumed by a wave of emotions, like he was drowning while the tide pulled him down deeper and deeper into the dark ocean, till no light reached him. He was surrounded by a darkness that he couldn’t break through. It was suffocating, the water pressed down upon him, harder and harder till all air had left his lungs and as much as he knew that he shouldn’t open his mouth, his brain lost the fight and he opened his mouth, breathing in water, it streamed into his mouth, into his nose, into his lungs. The water was killing him from the inside out as it took the last of his air.

When he screeched open his mouth after holding his breath for a very long time, it was not water filling his lungs, but deep, fresh air. The remains of Robert’s aftershave were still lingering on the sheets after Robert had sat there for so long and they filled his senses. There was a temptation floating in his thoughts to roll himself into the space where Robert had sat and push his nose into that smell. Take deep breaths and drown himself in his longing for a man he knew he could no longer love.

All those months of desperation and love for a man that was no better than a murderer. A man that had taken a woman’s life and lied about it for months because all he cared about was to save his own skin. He’d told Aaron the truth because he wanted to stop him from harming himself any longer, but right now Aaron couldn’t see how someone who held enough hatred in his body to kill someone, could love enough to do something so selfless. A sentence flashed through his head, one that had always comforted him after Jackson’s death, there’s no love in sacrifice, but there’s sacrifice in love. Robert had told him he loved him, had told him the truth because he claimed to love him. But how could there be truth in his words after all his lies?

Everyone seemed to think that Aaron had hurt himself on purpose, but the truth was as true as the words he’d spoken. It had just been an accident. Funny that for that one time he finally told the truth, people actually didn’t believe him. The want of people to believe into a lie was never something Aaron understood. The truth was better, he didn’t like being lied to, being treated like some fool from whom was presumed that they couldn’t handle the truth because it was too horrible or too painful.

But for the first time in his life he wished that he still believed in that blissful lie, that he didn’t have this knowledge about the true reason of her death. He wished that he didn’t know that someone he cared so deeply for was capable of something so horrible, that the Robert he loved was capable of lying to him for months about something this big.

He’d truly thought that they had meant something. That he was the only person Robert never lied to. That despite of all the lies Robert told to every other person in his life, he was actually important enough to Robert that he would never lie to him. He’d thought he was special.

Aaron laughed bitterly. And wasn’t he special? Robert had finally told him truth, the real honest, and raw truth. A truth he’d never told any other person ever before. He got what he wanted. Robert had made him special by telling him the truth. He’d killed Katie. Pushed her into an undeserving death.

For the first time since Aaron had met Robert he honestly wished he’d never met him on his return to Emmerdale. Or better yet that Robert had never returned. That way he would never have known what he just lost. And he never would have known what a life with Robert in it good be like. Before Robert Aaron’s life had been empty, but for the first time Aaron started to wonder if maybe emptiness wasn’t so bad after all. At least it meant that you didn’t get hurt the way he was hurting right now.

It stopped you from feeling at all.

Aaron curled himself into a ball on top of the blankets. He’d his eyes screeched closed tightly, making it feel like the world had faded away. Like it was just him, all alone on this world. The water, the dark and deep ocean, was dragging him down and Aaron let himself flow away with the streams, till there was no space left for tears, thoughts and emotions. There was nothing but that endless dark water that was surrounding him so completely. He hoped it would never bring him back.

xXx

Robert didn’t know what to do. He’d been driving around the last half hour. He knew he should have gone home a long time ago, but he couldn’t make himself take the road to their home. He’d been gone from home way too long and by now Lawrence would probably be suspicious of his whereabouts, but right now he couldn’t care less.

He’d ruined everything and for once not with the worst intentions at heart. He’d tried to do the right thing by Aaron, to make him stop his self-harming. But who was to say that this revelation he’d made would truly make him stop? Again he’d acted on impulses, not thinking about the consequences. What if Aaron would go to the police? He probably would. When it came down to it Aaron was someone with morals and a righteous mind. Robert would lose everything and be locked up for many years to come. How could he have been so stupid? So uncaring? He could lose everything and all because he felt like Aaron had deserved to know the truth. Because he wanted to stop Aaron from blaming himself, hurting himself. All because he loved him.

He’d known. Somewhere he’d known the true depth of his feelings for Aaron, but he’d ignored them. He’d tried to pretend that they weren’t there. Like they would just disappear if he forced them from his thoughts. But obviously that hadn’t worked and now that he’d said them out loud, he couldn’t pretend anymore. His feelings for Aaron were real and wouldn’t be going anywhere. But he knew that, by now, he was too late. Admitting his feelings to himself didn’t, wouldn’t change anything. He’d chosen his life with Chrissie and he loved her too. Despite what everyone would think if they knew the truth, his feelings for her were real. Maybe he wasn’t in love with her anymore, hadn’t been for a very long time, but he did still love her.

And it wasn’t like Aaron still wanted him anyway. After confessing that he was responsible for Katie’s death, Aaron wouldn’t want to have anything to do with him anymore. They were truly over and it was Robert’s own fault.

Robert finally turned his car onto the road towards home. He parked his car on his usual spot, but didn’t get out right away. He just sat for a while.

Tears were returning to his eyes and Robert swept them away in anger. Crying wouldn’t help, wouldn’t change anything. It was stupid to cry about this, useless. But the tears wouldn’t go away, he kept swiping them away, but his eyes kept filing up. Eventually Robert didn’t even bother to hold them back anymore. For a moment he just let them fall, losing himself in everything he’d just lost. It felt like he was grieving something he’d never truly had in the first place.

In the end there wasn’t even a real choice to make. He’d already lost Aaron, but he still had Chrissie. He still had his life of wealth, money and a great job. Somehow that just had to be enough, even if it didn’t feel like it was enough anymore. Even if it felt like he’d just lost the most important person in his life.

When Robert felt calm enough, he wiped away the last traces of tears before getting out of the car.

He was praying for some alone time, but he knew it wasn’t likely. When he entered the house, the light of the kitchen greeted him. Which meant that Chrissie was still awake, which wasn’t surprising since she didn’t enjoy going to sleep on her own. For a moment he considered just sneaking upstairs, but there wasn’t really a point so instead he walked into the kitchen. By the looks of it Chrissie had been working because she was collecting some papers and placing them into a map on the table when she looked up by the sound of his footsteps.

“Robert! Where have you been all night?” she asked as he strolled towards her.

He shrugged. “Nowhere really, just hanging with some friends.” When he reached her, he slipped out of his jacket and hang it over a chair. He just hoped that his eyes didn’t look red and puffy due to the crying. “Are you done working?” he asked as he glanced down at the papers and laptop on the table.

She glanced up at him with her big blue eyes as she closed a map and pushed it aside. She nodded. “Yes, yes, I’m just done.” She smiled at him and Robert felt relieved as he realized that she wasn’t aware of his mood and of his earlier crying.

“Good,” Robert muttered as he pulled her up and close by placing his hands on her arm and waist. He hungrily put his mouth against hers and kissed her roughly, biting her bottom lip and pushing his tongue into her mouth.

She placed her hands against his chest and pulled back, clearly startled. “What are you doing?” she asked without real anger. She looked at him suspiciously, taking in his appearance. “Is everything okay Robert?”

He nodded as he tried to pull her close again, he really didn’t want to talk, he just wanted to forget everything, but she turned her head away so his kiss landed on her cheek. “What?” he asked, his voice rough with annoyance.

“Nothing,” she said, shaking her head as she furrowed her brow. “You’re just acting strange.”

Robert took a deep breath as he stopped himself from trying to pull her body against his. “I just missed you,” he said as he dragged a hand across his face. “Or am I not allowed to miss my wife and want to spend the night with her?” he snapped, knowing he shouldn’t, but unable to stop himself.

Chrissie looked at him, still a bit insecure, but he could see her persistence waver. “Of course there’s nothing wrong with that,” she said eventually, after studying his face for a few more seconds.

Robert pushed away his unjustified irritation and captured her mouth in a kiss. This time she didn’t pull back and Robert had to stop himself from being too roughly. She’d never enjoyed that.

“Come with me upstairs,” Robert said with a forced smile as he pulled away from the kiss. He caught a glimpse of Lawrence standing in the doorway, smiling satisfied, but he ignored the older man. He grabbed Chrissie’s hand and pulled her with him before she’d any real chance to answer. As he walked upstairs he tried to push away all the thoughts about Aaron and how this felt completely wrong. She was his wife, sleeping with her shouldn’t make him feel bad, guilty. Chrissie was his future and it was time he put Aaron in the past. They were really done this time.

xXX

He woke up drowsy, his head blurry. For a moment Aaron felt peacefully empty, but all the memories of last night resurfaced as quickly as he realized that all those feelings of drowning had just been a dream inside his head. He held his eyes closed, his arms curled around his body tightly. Like somehow it would make the memories fade, like it were just remains of a very bad dream.

_“You and me, it’s not a lie,” Robert said, he sounded almost angry because Aaron had tried to deny the importance of their relationship. It was ridiculous, after all his time of Robert pretending that they meant nothing, that Aaron meant nothing and now-_

_Aaron stood stock still as he glanced at Robert’s face and into his eyes. He knew what was coming before Robert had the chance to speak. “No... Robert… Don’t-“_

_“I love you.”_

_Aaron rasped out a desperate breath, it felt like he’d received a punch to the gut and all air was pushed out of his lungs. For a moment he almost felt dizzy, lightheaded and for less than a second something like happiness flashed through him. After all this time Robert finally admitted his feelings._

_But as Aaron looked into Robert’s eyes, he knew, knew that it didn’t chance anything. Knew that his love for Aaron wouldn’t be enough, would never be enough. A few tears spilled from Aaron’s eyes, but he barely felt it. “You know how long I’d been waiting for you to say that, but now I just wish you hadn’t,” Aaron said, turning his head away and looking out of the window. He couldn’t look at Robert any longer._

_“It’s true.” Robert’s voice was barely a whisper._

_“I know….” Aaron wrapped his right arm across his body and tightly squeezed his left arm, somehow the pain help him focus. He could feel Robert’s eyes on him. “I know, but it’s not enough, is it?” Aaron glanced at him again and smiled bitterly. “It doesn’t change anything. You won’t leave Chrissie for me. So it doesn’t really matter that you said it. You loving me will never be enough.”_

Aaron gritted his teeth together and tried to force the thoughts away, tried to suppress last night’s memories, but they didn’t fade. All the things that had happened last night were burned into his head. His brain was taunting him with Robert’s words, his face and the way he’d said I love you before everything had truly fallen apart.

_“You’re wrong. You’re not to blame for anything. Her death… it’s all on me.”_

_Aaron looked up at Robert. He didn’t know what Robert was talking about. All of it, everything that had happened to Katie, it was all on him. It was his fault. She was dead because of him. “We both know that’s not true, Robert,” he said. “I brought her there. I was the one who told her to make a picture of us. She wouldn’t have been there in the first place if it wasn’t for me.”_

_“You don’t understand. I lied to you about what happened,” Robert said very slowly, carefully, like he was afraid to speak at all._

_Aaron blinked his eyes as Robert’s words finally got through to him. What the hell was Robert talking about? What could he possibly have lied about? Her dead had been an accident, there was nothing that… “What are you talking about?” Aaron asked, his voice shaking. He felt completely terrified and didn’t want to hear what Robert was about to say. He couldn’t mean…_

_“It was an accident. I didn’t meant for it to happen. I couldn’t have known that the floor would just break from underneath her. I didn’t know.” Robert eyes were wet like he was about to cry, but at the moment Aaron didn’t care about that at all._

_“What did you do Robert?” Aaron growled as he stood frozen on the ground, his hands clenched into fists, despite his broken fingers, and his body shaking. When Robert didn’t answer immediately, Aaron snapped: “Robert, what did ya do?!”_

_“We got into this big row and she said something and I got so mad….” Robert had closed his eyes like he was reliving the memories. “I didn’t mean for it to happen Aaron…”_

_It felt like Aaron couldn’t breathe, his heart was hammering, his blood pounding in his ears. He wanted to scream at Robert to stop talking, he wanted to walk out of the room and forget any of these words. But he was frozen to the ground, he couldn’t speak, couldn’t move. All he could do was listen to Robert’s words as they spilled out of his mouth. “I pushed her… I pushed her and the floor just broke…” Robert met Aaron’s eyes and Aaron could feel his heart break, “She died because I pushed her.”_

Aaron felt like screaming, all the anger, frustration and grief was more than his body could contain and it needed a way out, but instead he forced his body into a sitting position. As tempting as screaming it all out was right now, it would probably turn into a big sob fest and he really didn’t want to cry. If he started, he probably wouldn’t be able to stop again.

So he got out of bed and into the shower and stopped his thoughts every time he tried to think of something other than the warm water hitting his body. He made sure his broken fingers didn’t get wet and slowly dried and dressed himself before making his way downstairs.

He talked to Chas while eating breakfast, but if anyone had asked him what they were talking about he wouldn’t have been able to tell. He spotted his broken mobile on the table and said something about going to buy a new one before quickly leaving the house.

He didn’t know where he was supposed to go. His phone had just been an excuse to get away. He didn’t want to go to the city or any other place for that matter. He would rather just go back to bed, but in bed his dreams and nightmares about drowning would start up again and he didn’t want that. He just had to stop himself from thinking about anything, stop thinking about Robert and Katie and the horrible truth that he’d no idea how to deal with.

He knew he should just go to the police, admit everything. But the thought of Robert the spending rest of his life behind bars, hurt him badly. He remembered what it was like inside, how hard it had been. He didn’t think Robert would survive it. He always acted though and big, but he wouldn’t survive for a week, prison was completely different than the real world and people inside didn’t like people like Robert.

His whole body was longing to go for a run, even after the accident he’d had. The feeling hadn’t disappeared, it was still there, as strong and hard to resist as always. But he tried to push it away too, despite the desire and longing. His accident had scared him and when he thought about what could have happened… He should heal first and not make drastic decisions right now. He didn’t want to injure himself any further.

He just rounded the corner of the garage, which was closed because it was Sunday, and groaned in pain when he was pushed backwards against the brick wall. Usually he wasn’t someone who was pushed backwards easily, but he hadn’t seen it coming and the back of his head had hit the wall before he even knew what was going on.

The pain buzzed through his head and for a moment the world was white with black spots. He recognized the voice before he could see the face.

“You pathetic little boy.”

It was Lawrence.

When Aaron regained his vision, he caught sight of the old man and pushed him away with a hard shove. Pain shot through his broken fingers, but he ignored it.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Aaron hissed through gritted teeth. He rubbed the sore spot on the back on his head and flinched in pain. It was definitely gonna leave a bump, like he didn’t have enough of those already.

“You know I really don’t understand what Robert sees in you,” Lawrence spat out. Aaron took him in quickly and realized that the older man looked furious, his anger barely contained. He’d his hands clenched into fists like he was about to punch Aaron, his mouth was a tin line and his brow was furrowed, his eyes a cold fury. He was standing close, way too close for Aaron’s liking, but Aaron didn’t step back or turn away from the older man.

Never lose sight of your enemy.

“What do you want Lawrence,” Aaron snarled with a cold laugh. “You’re gonna fight me? Go ahead, I’m pretty sure that I’ll be the one who walks away without any bruises.”

Lawrence grinned lazily as he shook his head like Aaron was stupid. “I don’t need to fight you.” He stepped towards Aaron and since Aaron was already standing against the brick wall, he’d nowhere to go.

“You see, Aaron wasn’t it?” he said in a mocking tone. “I can do to you whatever I want without even having to lift a finger. I can make sure everyone you love gets… Let’s say, into a very unfortunate accident.” His grin widened. “And there’s absolutely nothing you can do to stop me.”

Aaron didn’t want to let Lawrence’s words get to him, but he could feel his heart pounding in chest and he knew the panic was visible on his face. “What do you want from me?” Aaron rasped out, suddenly out of breath. “I’ve nothing to offer you. “

Lawrence smirked smugly and pursed his lips like he’d to think about it. Aaron was sure he’d never hated anyone as much as he hated Lawrence in that moment. Who the fuck did this man think he was? Did he seriously think that he could threaten his family and get away with it? The unfortunate thing was that Aaron was pretty sure he could. That man had more money than Aaron could even imagine. And you could buy literally anything if you had the money for it.

“This is what’s gonna happen,” Lawrence finally said, as if he hadn’t known what he wanted before he came to seek out Aaron. “You’re gonna stay away from Robert and Chrissie cause if you don’t, your mother might end up into an unfortunate accident and we don’t want that to happen now do we?”

Aaron gritted his teeth and had to stop himself from smacking the smug smile from Lawrence’s face. He knew he’d nothing to stand on. Lawrence would not back down from his promise, he would hurt Chas without a second thought, that was the kind of man he was.

“Fine,” Aaron growled, it wasn’t much of a problem anyway. He didn’t want to have anything to do with Robert anymore. Aaron ignored the pain that shot through him at the thought of Robert.

Lawrence blinked his eyes like he was surprised that Aaron had given in so easily, but the surprise quickly disappeared and changed into a pleased, victorious expression. “I’m glad we understand each other so well.”

Aaron huffed and turned away, sensing their conversation was over. Lawrence may have one over on him, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t leave with as much pride as he could muster. There was only one thing he didn’t understand. Lawrence had been talking about him staying away from both Robert and Chrissie. If that meant what he thought it meant, it meant that Robert and Chrissie hadn’t broken up. And the only reason for that was if Lawrence had decided to keep his mouth shut. And why the hell would he do that? He most definitely would be despising Robert for what he’d done. The only logical explanation Aaron could come up with was that Robert actually had something on Lawrence, something big enough for Lawrence to keep his mouth shut about the affair.

“Oh and Aaron.”

Aaron turned around, sensing that he wouldn’t like what was coming next. He didn’t bother opening his mouth, just raised his eyebrows at the smug looking man.

Lawrence grinned and said: “If I ever need something done, I know where to find you.” He’d turned and walked away before Aaron had the chance to process this and come up with an answer.

Aaron was suddenly overwhelmed with anger and he picked up the first thing he could find, this appeared to be a branch from a nearby tree, and threw it in the direction in which Lawrence had disappeared. The branch landed a few feet away and the throwing movement hurt his sore muscles so Aaron cursed out loud. _Fucking Lawrence. Fucking Robert._ At that moment he hated them both very much. Lawrence for threatening his family and Robert for getting him into this mess in the first place. He hated Robert for a lot more reasons, but at the moment he didn’t even want to think about those.

Aaron sighed as he leant against the brick wall, suddenly very tired after the events that just happened and the nightmares he’d had in his sleep. There was only one person who could help him with getting Lawrence of his back and as much as he didn’t want to speak to him ever again, he needed to protect his family from that horrible father of Chrissie. If the only way to do so was by making one phone call he really didn’t want to make, then so be it. He’d to do what was necessary.

It was time to get a new phone after all.

He walked back the way he came, to get his car so he could drive towards the city, when he ran into Adam.

“Dude, watch out where you’re going,” Adam said jokingly, placing his arms on both sides of Aaron shoulders before he could collide with him. “Vic told me about your…” his voice faltered for a moment and when Aaron glanced up he caught Adam staring at him with his mouth open. “Oh my god. You look terrible.”

Aaron rolled his eyes as he sighed. “Thanks, I wasn’t aware of that yet.”

Adam scrunched his eyes together. “Vic told me you had fallen in the woods, but she hadn’t told me it was this bad. Are you okay?”

Usually Aaron loved to spend time with Adam, but at the moment he really didn’t feel like talking to him. Not after everything that had happened, Lawrence’s words were still ringing in his ears. “I’m fine alright. It was just a stupid accident.”

“Be more careful next time, eh,” Adam said cheekily, but Aaron could hear the edge of worry underneath. Adam gave him a playful push against his right shoulder and Aaron tried to hold back his groan of pain as he hit what was probably a bruise.

“It won’t happen again,” Aaron promised harshly. “Now if you don’t mind there’s some things I need to take care of.”

Adam nodded. “Alright, just let me know if you need anything.”

Aaron was about to walk away as something hit him. “Actually I do. My phone broke, could I use yours for a moment?”

Adam raised his eyebrows before he fished his pocket for his phone. “Here you go. Don’t take too long. Victoria’s waiting for me.”

Aaron grasped the phone and scrolled through Adam’s contacts list, knowing Robert should be in there. “Thanks,” Aaron simply said as he placed the phone against his ear and took a few steps away from Adam so he had some privacy.

Robert answered the phone on the third ring. “Adam what can I do for you?” his voice sounded as casual as always.

The usual flutters that always appeared in his stomach at the sound of Robert’s voice, didn’t appear this time. Instead he felt something close to nausea and grief. “It’s me,” Aaron said simply. His throat felt closed up, but he managed to get out the words without making them sound like someone was choking him.

He could hear a clear intake of breath before he heard some stumbling like something was falling over or Robert was quickly leaving the room. “Aaron,” Robert rasped out. His voice was suddenly tight and filled with emotions Aaron didn’t want to decipher. “I’m so glad you called. We-“

“I didn’t call about that.” Aaron was surprised by how calm he sounded, he didn’t feel calm at all. He felt himself sway on his feet like he was about to pass out. “Your father in law paid me a little visit today.”

Aaron could sense Robert’s confusion on the other end of the line. “Lawrence? What the hell did he want?”

Robert answered his own question before Aaron had the chance to answer. “Did he threaten you?” Robert’s voice was filled with a cold anger and for a moment Aaron could almost imagine him killing Katie as he sounded like he was out for blood.

He shook the thought before it could go any further. “He did,” Aaron snapped, he toned down the sharpness in his voice when he added: “Look I guess that there must be a reason he hasn’t told Chrissie about it and I figured it must be because you have something on him.”

Aaron could hear Robert take a breath like he was preparing to explain himself to Aaron, but Aaron cut him off. “I don’t care what it is, alright? I just want him off my back. Can you take care of it or not?”

“Yes, yes, of course I can,” Robert said, almost too quickly. “He won’t bother you again.”

“He better not,” Aaron almost snapped before he fell silent. For a moment they listened to each other’s breathing. Aaron glanced over his shoulder and saw Adam looking at him impatiently. Aaron turned back around and pushed the phone to his ear tightly, like it was necessary for him to catch all of Robert’s breaths. Aaron felt almost reluctant about hanging up. It felt like something was decided, concluded and Aaron wasn’t sure if he was willing to let it go.

Robert broke the spell by opening his mouth. “Aaron I know you don’t want to hear this, but I’m so sorry,” his voice was raspy, like he’d just swallowed a whole lot of sand. “I never meant for any of this to happen. If I could go back in time and change things…” Robert gasped as he fell silent. Aaron heard a soft bang, like Robert was leaning back against a wall or like he’d fallen down on his bed.

Aaron huffed out of cold breath, his whole body painfully tight. “Yeah.” He hang up before Robert could say anything else. There was nothing left to say anyway.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I'm a horrible person. I'm really sorry for not posting a new chapter for this long. I'm so bad. School has started up again and I just didn't have much time to write. Hopefully I'll be able to post more regularly from now on. I hope everybody enjoyes the new chapter! :)

Robert was filled with an anger that was stronger than anything he’d ever felt in his life. If he’d ever been capable of killing anybody, then this was definitely the moment. Maybe it was his luck that Lawrence hadn’t been home when Aaron had called him, cause if he’d been, Robert knew their confrontation wouldn’t have had a happy ending.

His blood was boiling. That man had dared to threaten Aaron. The thought that he’d had his hands on him, was more than Robert could take. He wanted to rip him apart for what he had done. How that man had even dared to get close to him…

Robert had to close his eyes and take a few deep breaths to find some calm within him. Acting aggressively wouldn’t be the best way to go. He needed to think about how he was going to handle this, instead of slamming Lawrence’s head against the nearest wall as soon as he got home.

When had everything become such a big mess?

A few days ago he and Aaron had been happy together, here in Home Farm. It had been stupid to believe that their shared happiness could last, but he’d been so lost in Aaron, that anything else had disappeared to the background. For almost a week he’d been able to pretend that that was his life, that he could keep Aaron like that, with him forever.

But when had life ever threated him right? Whenever he gained something good, it was taken from him as soon as he’d realized it was there. His whole life people had looked down on him, judged him for who he was and misunderstood him because of the way he acted. Chrissie hadn’t, but only because he hadn’t been able to show her the real him. He’d changed himself in somebody he wasn’t because he thought that the life Chrissie could offer him was everything he wanted. That what she could give him, was what would finally make him happy.

And he’d blinded, deluded himself in that believe. In believing that she was what had made him happy. But now that he’d lost Aaron, he realized that it had been him all along. Aaron was the one who had made him happy. Without him all of this seemed a lot bleaker.

He’d always thought it was a stupid saying. _You only know what you’ve got till it’s gone._ People who couldn’t see what they had, were stupid and ignorant. But now he found that those words were painfully true. It was the most bitter thing he’d ever come to face.

The slamming of the front door broke him out of his reverie. Robert broke off the endless pacing he’d been doing and headed downstairs. His anger got reignited as Lawrence returned to his thoughts.

He turned the corner to the living room and caught sight of Lawrence’s back. For a moment, it couldn’t be more than a second, he considered slamming him into the nearest wall, but he stopped the desire before it could gain any real form.

Instead he slowed down his too quick pacing into a calm stride. “Lawrence,” he said in greeting, keeping his tone light and almost friendly. If Lawrence had paid real attention he probably would have heard the threating undertone, but Robert knew that Lawrence wasn’t particularity perspective to underlying emotions.

The man turned at the sound of his voice and Robert came to a halt as well. Now they were both facing each other with about five feet between them. “Robert,” Lawrence responded. The man slowly took him in, his eyes deducting. Maybe the underlying tone of threat in his voice, hadn’t been as subtle as he’d thought. “What can I do for you?” Lawrence asked his tone friendly in the most fake way.

Robert wanted to slam the smug smile of his face. Something in the way Lawrence behaved always ignited a desire of violence in him that he usually never felt. He really wasn’t a violent person if he could avoid it, which mostly he did.

Robert decided to cut to the chase immediately. “Aaron called me.”

The only indication that Lawrence was surprised was by the quick blinking of his eyes. After everything Robert had said to Aaron when Lawrence had caught them together, Lawrence probably really believed that Aaron meant nothing to him. “You seem surprised,” Robert said coolly.

“Not at all,” Lawrence said, shrugging lightly. “I just don’t understand why you’re telling me this.”

Robert took a step forward, narrowing his eyes at Lawrence. “I want you to stay away from him.”

“I didn’t go near him.” Robert wouldn’t have been able to tell that it was a lie if in fact he hadn’t known that it was one. No emotion or twitch showed on Lawrence’s face and his voice was as cold as always.

“Well, Aaron told me otherwise,” Robert said in a low voice. “So there is no need to lie to me.”

“Even if I did go near him, what’s it to you?” Lawrence asked as he folded his arms in a display of power. It didn’t faze Robert at all. His stepfather had never scared him. “I thought you didn’t care about him, that you and he were done.”

“We are,” Robert said in an uncaring tone, cringing inwardly at his own words. He didn’t want them to be done. He wanted Aaron, in every way possible and knowing that he’d ruined it, ruined them, hurt in a way he’d never experienced before. Robert had his regrets, just like everybody else, but Aaron was his biggest one. Before him, he’d been happy with Chrissie, satisfied with his life and his job, but meeting Aaron, being with him, had ruined it all. Everything that had seemed of value to him before, wasn’t anymore.

Meeting Aaron had destroyed his future with Chrissie. Killing Katie had destroyed his life in a way he’d only become aware of in the last few days.

“But this is between me and you, there’s no need to involve him.” Robert was proud that he managed to sound calm, all the emotion and thoughts running through his head made it hard for him to focus and not show his anger and worry. Whatever happened, he needed to make sure that Lawrence didn’t find out how much Aaron truly meant to him. The more Lawrence thought that it could have been anyone, the safer Aaron would be. And it was important to him that Aaron was safe and wouldn’t get hurt by something Robert had caused again.

Robert wasn’t stupid enough to think that Lawrence wouldn’t try to get back at him. By threatening Lawrence he’d made a real enemy and Lawrence would do whatever he could to get rid of him without his secret being exposed. Right now Robert was angry enough to use the knowledge he’d to destroy Lawrence’s life, but he knew it wasn’t a smart move. Once he did that, he would most definitely lose Chrissie and the company too. If that happened he would truly have lost everything and he couldn’t handle that, not after losing Aaron.

Lawrence arched an eyebrow. It seriously annoyed Robert how calm the man always seemed, he would get some real, nasty enjoyment if he could get the man to lose his temper for once.

“You were the one that involved him remember?” the older man answered in a hateful tone. “You can’t blame me for exchanging a few words with him, I just wanted to get to know him a little bit better. I have to say,” he added, almost as an afterthought. “Now that I’ve seen and spoken to him from up close I most definitely can’t understand why you would break you vows to Chrissie. He’s a disgusting little whore that is nothing but good for some fucking, but I suppose that’s why you choose him of all people.”

In that moment Robert saw red. Before he was consciously aware of it, he’d clenched his right hand into a fist and hit Lawrence in the face. Pain shot through his right hand and all the way up his arm as soon as his knuckles connected with Lawrence’s jaw and he hissed in pain as the older man fell down on the floor, the force of Robert’s stomp making him lose his footing.

Robert’s chest was heaving as he cradled his right hand against his chest. He looked down at Lawrence’s figure. There was blood coming out of his nose and already Robert could see the swelling around Lawrence’s eye. There would be some nasty bruising in a few hours. For a moment Robert felt pleased.

Lawrence pushed himself into a sitting position and when Robert caught Lawrence’s eyes, Robert knew that he’d messed up badly. By reacting so strongly at Lawrence’s words, he’d betrayed what he’d been trying to hide. Robert could read in Lawrence’s eyes that the man was now fully aware of his feelings for Aaron. Robert cursed himself for falling into Lawrence’s trap so easily.

“You silly, silly boy,” Lawrence hissed. He didn’t sound emotionless anymore, but Robert was too angry at himself to enjoy the moment. The man pushed himself upright using the wall. “You’ve actually fallen for him. You got all of this.” Lawrence pointed at the room around them. “And you actually fall for someone like that.” Lawrence’s face was painted in blood and Robert dully noted that he looked fairly ridiculous.

“Look don’t think you understand a god damn thing. I don’t have feelings for him, I love Chrissie,” as Robert spoke the words, he truly felt for the very first time, how much of a lie he was telling. It almost physically hurt him to say that he didn’t have feelings for Aaron. Lying had always come easy to him, but the words scraped his throat. He almost literally had to push the words out of his mouth and they tasted like poison. There was a temptation to just take them back. Was there even a point in lying any longer? His life and future with Chrissie was slowly slipping through his fingers like grains of sand and the reason to hold on to them, a reason that had once seemed so clear, was not so clear anymore.

“Who’s lying now? I knew what kind of person you were the first moment you walked through my door. Oh you may have had me fooled for a little while, but there’s no need to pretend anymore. All you’re after is our money. You may have blackmailed your way into this family, but I’ll find a way to get you out. In the end I’ll be the one left standing.”

Robert wasn’t sure what Lawrence was trying to do, maybe he wanted to humiliate him or scare him, but Robert didn’t really care. He was more concerned about his own thoughts and feelings than anything else. Robert stepped closer to Lawrence, his hands pushed into his pockets and he smiled in an almost polite way if you didn’t count the dangerous glint in his eyes. “Honestly Lawrence, you can believe whatever you want, I don’t care. But if I find out that you’ve been near him again… Don’t forget that I’m the one holding the cards here.” Lawrence didn’t move or make a sound, but his nostrils flared and that was all Robert needed, to know that Lawrence wasn’t as unfazed by this as he was trying to pretend. There was a lot at stake for both of them.

Robert turned around before Lawrence had a change to answer. When he reached the door he turned and added: “Oh and don’t forget to make up some story about what happened to your face. We wouldn’t want Chrissie to find out the truth. About any of it.”

Robert left without taking another glance at Lawrence as tempted as he was to do so. That man was like a torn in his side and for a second he wondered if maybe he hadn’t pushed Lawrence too far this time around. He just hoped he hadn’t made everything worse for Aaron by threating Lawrence like this.

In that moment Robert promised himself that he would do whatever he had to, to keep Aaron safe. He wouldn’t let anything happen to him, even if that meant that he would have to reveal Lawrence’s secret to Chrissie. If it came down to it, he knew he’d to put Aaron before his own wishes and desires. Aaron didn’t deserve anymore grief or pain. For the first time the thought occurred to Robert that maybe Aaron was better off without him. For some reason he’d always told himself that Aaron was lucky to have him in his life, but maybe he’d been wrong all along, maybe it was the other way around, maybe it really was Aaron who deserved better than somebody like him.

Robert entered his study and fished his phone out of his pocket. Almost automatically he went through his contacts and found Aaron’s name. He wasn’t even sure what he was about to say, but he’d already dialed Aaron’s number before he could think about it.

He didn’t know whether he wanted Aaron to pick up or not, but he didn’t have to worry about it as the phone went to voicemail immediately.

Robert felt lost for words and almost hang up, not sure what he could possibly say to Aaron. When he realized an empty voicemail would be even more stupid he opened his mouth. “Uh, Aaron it’s me… I just wanted to tell you that I talked to Lawrence. He won’t bother you anymore.” Robert ran a hand through his hair and sighed as he sat down in his office chair. “So, yeah… that’s all really. Just... uh, bye.”

Robert threw his phone in the direction of the desk and it landed on the edge with a soft thud. What the hell was that? He usually never was at a loss for words, but he truly hadn’t had any idea what he was supposed to say to Aaron. He’d broken everything they had, everything they were. There was no real way he could make up for all his faults. He wanted Aaron in his life, but he knew now that maybe he shouldn’t want it for Aaron’s sake. He’d not only dragged Aaron into an affair, he also made him complicit of murder, he’d even pushed Aaron back into his self-harming. All of it was his fault and there was no way he could fix any of it.

Robert placed his head into his hands, his elbows leaning on his knees and sighed. He wasn’t even sure if Aaron had received his call. Aaron had called him with Adam’s phone earlier so that probably meant his phone was broken. So unless he’d bought a new one in the hours after their call, Aaron probably wouldn’t even get it.

He didn’t know what to do, all he knew was that somehow he’d to fix this. There should be a way to make everything better. It never had been his intention to ruin so many lives. But he’d to face that he’d messed up, he’d messed up so much and maybe it was time to face the consequences.

He looked up when his phone went off, indicating that he’d gotten a message. He grabbed it and was completely shocked when he saw he’d received a message from Aaron. _Meet me at the barn in two hours._

It seemed Aaron had found the time to buy a new phone after all.

Robert stared at his screen as he leaned back in his office chair and wondered what Aaron could possibly want from him. There was only one way to find out.

xXx

Aaron paced from one side to the other side of the barn, focusing on his breathing as much as he could. It was the only thing that kept him from freaking out completely. Lately he’d been able to suppress his desire to go for a run, but it was still lurking underneath his skin. A constant feeling that was there whenever his thoughts started going on a downward spiral. And they were doing that a lot.

The only reason he’d been able to suppress his need so far was because his body was still sore and painful. He was able to function and move around, but it was uncomfortable and going for a run right now just wasn’t an option. Which made dealing with all the stress and the conflicted emotions even harder because he’d lost his outlet. Running had been his way out, his way of dealing with his emotions. It gave him the change to momentarily let them go. But now they were a constant thing. Something that was starting to become more and more of a burden, up until the point where meeting Robert had seemed like a good idea. He’d thought that it would help him focus his emotions and frustration on one thing, and he really needed that right now. He needed to focus before he completely lost his mind. It felt like he was already losing his mind.

But now that he was minutes away from meeting Robert, he wasn’t sure if it had been such a good idea after all. Aaron was more than sure that he’d just made one of the biggest mistakes of his life. What had he been thinking telling Robert to meet him here, in the barn? He’d acted on a stupid impulse, not thinking about what meeting Robert face to face right now would actually mean for his well-being.

All the feelings surrounding Robert were one big mess that just confused him and he’d no idea how to work through even the scratch of them. Aaron hoped that talking to Robert would somehow help him make sense of all his feelings. If he could stop himself from hitting Robert in the face the moment he would lay eyes on him, that was.

Initially he’d been relieved when Robert had left a message saying he’d taken care of Lawrence for him, but as the time passed anger had slowly starting to slip through the cracks of the walls blocking as much of his thoughts and emotions as possible. That anger was slowly tearing at the walls of the repressed thoughts about what Robert had done. Just pushing Robert’s words to the furthest part of his brain wasn’t really working anymore. He didn’t want to know any of it, but he couldn’t hide from the truth, couldn’t just pretend that it wasn’t there. That her dead hadn’t happened. That Robert hadn’t caused it. Killed her.

Even that little moment of thinking about it made his breathing speed up and his body shiver, suddenly cold, even though it was a warm day. He closed his eyes and focused on nothing but the air rolling into- and out of his lungs. It was rare that he’d panic attacks, he hadn’t had one in years, but he knew with the mess of his emotions that it wouldn’t be impossible to get one and he wanted to prevent it from happening if he could.

His whole thought pattern froze when he heard some noise and the barn door opened as Robert stepped inside.

The dim light shining through the barn door made Robert look tired. His hair was ruffled and his clothes looked wrinkled. The man that had always looked composed, no matter what the circumstances, now looked like he’d lost a battle. He looked as upset as Aaron felt.

They glanced at each other, both silent, looking for words that weren’t there.

Not for the first time Aaron wondered how they ended up here. He knew, of course he did, but it was still strange, painful to think about how they had been happy only a few days ago. He’d deluded himself, he knew that, by believing that someday he and Robert would truly be together.

But now that he knew the truth it seemed impossible to ever get back to that place and he supposed that he didn’t really want to anyway. Too much had happened between them, too much had been broken. The love he’d always felt for Robert was still there, but now it was mixed with a poisonous anger. He could no longer see the good that he’d always seen in Robert in the past. The image he’d had of Robert was tainted with the murder he’d committed. With all the wrongs he’d done.

Now that he was looking at Robert again, that light and sense of goodness he’d always felt around the older man had faded to the background. It just left him with a feeling of bitterness and regret.

Everything they had been was gone, and all that was left were afterimages of everything they could have been, had things been different.

In the past, words had never been something he’d to look for with Robert. The words had always come naturally, but they didn’t anymore. Words had been taken from them as much as all the good feelings had. When they finally opened their mouths, they both did it at the same time.

“Thanks for coming-”

“Aaron I-”

They both broke off their words and it got silent again.

For a moment they both waited for the other to speak, but as it became clear to Aaron that Robert wouldn’t speak again, he said: “I wasn’t sure if you would even show up.”

Robert smiled but there wasn’t any joy in it. “I figured I owed you that much.”

“You don’t owe me anything,” Aaron said harshly, pushing his hands into his pockets. “You never did.”

Aaron could feel Robert’s eyes on him, but he didn’t look back. He was staring at the walls of the barn. The color looked strange in the light of dawn coming through the door.

“The police didn’t come by and arrest me yet,” Robert said, it almost sounded like a question.

“They won’t. So you don’t have to worry about it anymore.” Aaron wasn’t surprised by his own words as such, but more because he only now realized he’d already made a decision about it all. He wouldn’t be the one who sentenced Robert to a life of prison, the love that he’d once felt for the man kept him from it. Maybe he was making a big mistake, but it was a mistake he could live with. Calling the police on Robert had never been a real option. He’d just tried to tell himself that it was the right thing to do, but his heart and his emotions would never have let him.

“Why?” Aaron almost didn’t catch the words cause they were spoken that softly.

“You really have to ask?” Aaron returned, the words were bitter, almost spiteful.

“Because you still care?” Robert sounded hesitant.

“Don’t flatter yourself,” Aaron snarled. “You wouldn’t be the only one going to prison.”

What he said wasn’t true. He’d never even considered himself and the consequences it would have for him if he went to the police. But the pain that crossed Robert’s features as he spoke the lie, was strangely satisfying.

Robert moved his hand together in a way that made it seem like he wasn’t aware of the movement. “I talked to Lawrence. He won’t bother you again.” He sounded distant and there still was a hint of hurt in his voice.

Aaron bit his lip before all the words of concern could leave his mouth, not concern for himself, but concern for Robert. “Thanks,” he said almost as an afterthought.

“Why did you ask me to meet you here Aaron?” Robert suddenly asked.

Aaron looked up at Robert’s question and met the older man’s eyes. The color of his eyes were a pale and stormy blue. Sometimes it almost seemed like the color of Robert’s eyes changed when his emotions did, but Aaron knew that it was just the light fooling him.

Aaron didn’t have a real answer for Robert’s question which flared his irritation. His thought pattern had been messy to say the least and he couldn’t really come up with a good reason.

“I don’t know alright,” he snapped. “I just…” Aaron sighed in frustration and ran his hands over his face. When he glanced back at Robert, the older man was staring at him with a frown on his forehead. There was an apology lingering in his eyes, but Aaron didn’t want to hear any more excuses from Robert. He could apologize as much as he wanted, but it wouldn’t change anything. It wouldn’t bring Katie back and change their involvement in her death. Something broke inside of Aaron as he looked at Robert and suddenly the words were streaming out of his mouth. “I wish I could be angry at you, hate you, it’s the least you deserve. But after everything that happened in the past few days, weeks, I’m just too tired to be angry. I feel tired in a way I haven’t felt in a very long time. And I hate it, hate that you make me feel like this.” Aaron took a deep, stammering breath, his hands shaking lightly at his sides. All the emotions were overwhelming him again and his eyes were burning. “I wish there was just some off switch with which I could shut off my feelings. That way I could just sent you to prison, I wouldn’t have a second thought about that decision. But I remember the person I thought you were, the person I thought I knew and suddenly the decision is not that easy anymore. I wish I could erase you, us, but I can’t. So now I have to live the rest of my life knowing what you did, what we were and what I lost.”

His body suddenly felt like too much weight and he sank down on the haystacks behind him. He leaned with his head in his hands, his elbows resting on his thighs. He felt tired and frustrated. Everything was becoming too much too handle and he didn’t know what he had to do to stop it. How to stop this downward spiral that was dragging him down deeper and deeper.

“I’m sorry,” Robert muttered, way closer than he’d been before.

Robert’s words broke through the walls in his head and he could feel the anger flood through his veins. A spurt of adrenaline shot through him as his anger flared and he could feel his heartbeat pick up. His head snapped up and he glared at Robert. “Stop apologizing, stop saying that you’re sorry. Just shut up Robert. No matter how many times you say sorry, you can’t take back what you did. So what’s even the point?” he almost screamed at the end. For a moment Aaron wondered if he was having some kind of break down, he felt completely out of control, but he the truth was that he just didn’t care.

“Aaron-”

“No, just no. I’m done listening to you.” Aaron pushed himself off the haystacks so he was face to face with Robert. “I’ve been listening to you for way too long already. Look where it brought us. I let you talk me into covering your tracks after Katie’s death. I let you talk me into being with you again and again. I lied for you more times than I can remember. All I’ve done is make bad choices ever since I met you.”

Aaron could tell that every single word hit Robert like a knife to the gut. Robert was looking at him with wide eyes, he looked unsure of himself and completely out of his depth. “Just tell me what you want Aaron,” Robert said, his voice sounded desperate and Aaron knew that he was scaring the older man with his out of control behavior. “Whatever you want I’ll do it, but please just calm down.”

Aaron eyes quickly filled with tears as he realized the one thing Robert could still give him. The one thing he needed if he ever wanted to bring himself back from the edge he was dangling on. “What if I asked you to stay away from me? Would you be willing to give me that?” His voice broke on the last part.

Robert’s eyes were moving over his face, his hands uplifted like he wanted to touch Aaron, but knew that he couldn’t. “Aaron I can’t just…”

Aaron wasn’t even sure if he was crying at this point. All he knew was that this was what he needed. That it was the only way he could ever pick up the broken pieces of his life. Robert needed to be out of his life, for good.

“Please promise me you’ll stay away from me,” Aaron barely whispered. He didn’t know when his hands hand found their way to Robert’s shoulders, but he was holding onto Robert right now, like it was the only thing that kept him upright, like he would just fall over and fade away if he let go. He glanced up into Robert’s eyes and saw the tearstains on his cheeks. Every time he convinced himself that Robert really didn’t have any feelings for him, Robert gave him this glimmer into the depths of who he really was that made his conviction waver. Deep down Aaron had known that Robert had told him the truth when he had told Aaron he loved him, but Aaron had wanted to believe that all Robert was, was a murderer. Someone he’d misjudged completely, that there wasn’t any good inside of this man. It would have been easier to bear this secret if he could have let himself believe that. But it wasn’t the truth, Aaron had to face that now. Robert was still the man he fell in love with. The man he still loved, even after finding out the truth. Aaron closed his eyes and swallowed the lump in his throat. “Just give me the chance to move on.”

The fluttering touch of fingertips on his cheek made him open his eyes. “I don’t know if I can,” Robert muttered softly, like he could barely stand to admit such a weakness of heart.

“You have to,” Aaron told him without any real conviction before he erased the distance between them and roughly pushed his mouth against Robert’s. All the alarm bells in his head were going off, telling him he was making a real mistake, but as Robert groaned in surprise and started kissing him back, he couldn’t find it in himself to pull away.

It had been too long since they had moved together like this. Aaron’s hands in Robert’s hair. Robert’s hands on the small of his back, pulling them closer together, almost every part of their bodies touching. Their breaths mingling, the sounds leaving their mouths melting together till there was no real diversion. There was no space between them, no air. There was no time for feelings or thoughts, just a desperate longing to be together one more time. One moment where nothing existed but skin on skin and the collide of their mouths and tongues.

Aaron moved his body closer to Robert’s, moving them till Robert’s back slammed into the wall. A soft whimper left Robert’s mouth and they parted for not more than a second to gasp for air before their lips reattached. They both knew the moment they would start thinking about what they were doing, it would be over.

So they didn’t think. Aaron gripped Robert’s hair in his hand, on the edge of painful and growled in a way that was almost possessive. All of his senses were filled with Robert, his smell, his taste, the touch of his warm skin beneath his fingertips.

All of it felt familiar and right in a way nothing else had in days. Aaron traced the outline of Robert’s bottom lip with his tongue, pushed inside with an unexpected carefulness and breathed the air out of Robert’s lungs.

Their mouths moved together frantically and for one unbelievable moment everything felt perfect.

But of course it couldn’t last. A desperate mix of love, longing and regret filled Aaron and brought his mind back to the present. Aaron stepped back and pulled his hands away from Robert’s body, cursing himself in his head as he realized what he’d been doing. He dragged a hand over his lips like he somehow could erase their kiss and watched the heated blush on Robert’s cheeks as the older man looked at him with a bewildered expression. “I’m sorry,” Aaron said, shaking his head because of his own stupidity. “This was a mistake.”

“No, Aaron. You can’t just walk away….” Robert hands followed after him, he reached out like he wanted to grab Aaron’s wrist to stop him before he could leave.

Aaron dodged Robert’s hands and moved out of Robert’s reach. He didn’t pause till he’d reached the door opening and turned sideways so he could glance at Robert. He could see the confliction in Robert’s eyes like he wasn’t sure if he should follow Aaron or if he should let him go. For Aaron there was only one valid option. “No, Robert…. Just... I’m sorry alright.” He took a deep breath, knowing that the words he was gonna speak would most certainly close a door he should never open again. It was time to let them go. “I can’t ever be with you Robert. I can’t love the person you’ve become.”

He didn’t glance at Robert as he spoke the words, unwilling to know what kind of impact his words would have on his former lover.

Aaron stepped out of the darkness of the barn and into the bright sunlight. He could hear the door fall shut behind him, but he didn’t look back once. He was finally ready to move on.

Or so he hoped.


	13. Chapter 13

Robert watched as the barn door closed behind Aaron and he was left standing in the dark on his own. The smell of old, rotting hay suddenly overwhelmed him and for a moment he almost felt nauseous. 

Aaron’s cold words were ringing in his ears. “I can’t love the person you’ve become.” 

But there was one thing Aaron had been completely wrong about. It was not the person he’d become that Aaron couldn’t love, it was the person he really was, the person he’d been for years that Aaron was now finally, fully seeing. Robert couldn’t even blame him, after all the things Robert had done to Aaron, all the pain he’d caused him, Aaron had no real reason to love him any longer. 

But as much as his brains tried to rationalize what Aaron had said to him, this time it didn’t work, it hurt in a way that made it feel like someone had thrown him over the edge of a cliff and he somehow had managed to survive, every single bone in his body broken. Aaron’s words hurt in a physical way. 

He was sure of one thing. 

He couldn’t let Aaron go, couldn’t let things end like this.

Robert moved before his brain could even catch up with his movements. He was out of the door and into the sunlight in the blink of an eye. The light was blinding him, but he didn’t give himself the change to get used to it. He didn’t so much as walk, but run after Aaron. 

“Wait!”

Robert could tell by the stiffening of Aaron’s shoulders that he’d heard him, but the younger man didn’t slow down his stride. Robert increased his running so he could catch up with Aaron before he could get into his car. He reached out his left arm and took a hold of Aaron’s upper arm. “Aaron just-”

The younger man turned immediately, Aaron’s back hitting the side of the car with his rough movement. “Robert, let me go,” he said harshly, the tired look in his eyes contradicting his angry words. 

Robert tried not to get his hopes up when Aaron didn’t push him away when he easily could have. “I can’t,” the desperation in his voice would have shamed him, but right now he was too far gone to care. 

“Why?” Aaron snapped at him. “Why can’t you just give us up? All those months I wouldn’t even dare suggest that you leave Chrissie for me cause I knew you would have broken things off with me immediately. Why did that have to change?” Aaron pushed his fist against Robert’s chest, but unlike Robert had thought Aaron didn’t pull his hand back but let it rest beneath Robert’s breastbone. Every time Robert breathed in Aaron’s hand moved up with the rising of his chest and Robert’s skin tingled beneath the press of Aaron’s knuckles against his shirt. 

Robert leaned his head down and closed his eyes before a sudden, unreasonable anger filled him and his head snapped up. “You want the truth Aaron? I never wanted any of this. I wish I’d never fallen in love with you.” He was breathing harshly. He knew he shouldn’t express those deep buried thoughts, but he couldn’t keep them back any longer. “It destroyed everything. Before you I was happy with Chrissie, I was happy with my life and all the choices that I made. Meeting you changed all of that, fucked up my whole life.” Aaron’s eyes were moving over his face like he didn’t know what he was supposed to do or feel. Robert sighed when his anger left him as he looked down at the younger man. 

Aaron glanced up at his eyes at Robert’s silence and words Robert didn’t want to speak got pulled out of him unwillingly. “I just know that I can’t let you go.”

Aaron rubbed his hand across his forehead, his eyes cooling down quickly as he stared Robert down. “What do you want me to say Robert? That it’s okay? That I forgive you? That nothing has changed?” Aaron’s eyes were accusing and his voice was loud in the big empty space. He pulled his hand back from Robert’s chest and pushed passed him. When Robert turned around Aaron had paused a few feet away from him, his head hanging down and his shoulders tense. “You act like I was the one that ruined your life but what about my life, huh?”

Aaron crossed his arms across his chest in a defensive way as he turned to face Robert. “I was finally okay, you know. I was doing okay. I had a good job and… and… hurting myself,” he spoke the words like they disgusted him. “I barely ever thought of it anymore. And I definitely didn’t feel the need to… to do it again.” Aaron shook his head, like he wanted to deny the words he was speaking, but knew that he couldn’t any longer. “But the running I’ve been doing. It’s…”

Aaron placed his fingers against his lips and swallowed. “At first I tried to tell myself that it was nothing. That I just needed a new outlet, but I… I…” Aaron closed his eyes and squeezed the fabric of his jacket in his fists. “I’m self-harming again,” the words were nothing more than a whisper, so soft that Robert could barely hear them. There was a shame in Aaron’s voice that Robert had never heard before, like admitting this was the hardest and most wrong thing he’d ever done. 

Robert felt shame fill his body, not because he was ashamed of Aaron, but because he was ashamed of himself, ashamed of what he’d done and what he’d put Aaron through. Because it was his fault, all of it. He’d pushed Aaron into self-harming again. And it didn’t matter that he hadn’t meant for any of it to happen, the fact was that it had, and that it was his fault. 

Aaron opened his eyes and glanced back at Robert. “But I suppose you already knew that,” Aaron added with a bitter smile. “You knew what’s happening and that’s why you told me about…” Aaron took a deep breath. “About Katie. About what happened. Because for some reason you thought it would make things better.”

Robert opened his mouth to speak the two words he’d spoken so often lately that they’d started to feel hollow whenever he said them, but Aaron cut him off before he’d any change to speak. “Don’t tell me you’re sorry. I don’t need to hear it again. If you were really sorry you would go to the police and admit everything, but we both know you won’t.” Aaron’s hard words hurt, but Robert couldn’t deny their truth. “You care too much about yourself and your perfect lifestyle to ever turn yourself in.”

Robert sighed as he pushed his hands into his pocket, his body tight with tension. He never liked to be called selfish, as much as it was true. He’d been called selfish many times before, but this time he didn’t bother denying it. He’d never wanted to admit to himself that he was a very selfish man, but he was, as much as he didn’t like it. “I know I said it before,” Robert spoke, his tone careful and hesitant, not sure if Aaron even wanted to hear what he’s gonna say, “but it was really just an accident. I was really angry Aaron and I shouldn’t have pushed her. I just want you to know that it was never my intention to harm her in any way.”

Aaron looked at him for a very long time, not saying anything at all and Robert was almost anxious to hear Aaron’s thoughts. They couldn’t be any good. Eventually Aaron sighed and uncrossed his arms, his hands hanging down beside his body. For some reason he looked even more defensive than he’d before. When Aaron finally spoke, the words were raw, like he’d to push them out of his throat, like it was painful for him to have to say them. “I know Robert. You’re not a violent person. You wouldn’t murder someone, that’s not who you are.”

Aaron’s words shocked Robert so much that for a moment his whole body froze, his head bless fully empty and his emotions stilled. Robert almost wanted to say thank you, it was lying on the tip of his tongue already, but he could swallow the words just in time, realizing that it was the wrong thing to say right now. “It’s not what you said at first.”

For a moment it almost seemed like there was a tiny, bitter smile on Aaron’s face, but it was gone so quickly that Robert wasn’t sure if he hadn’t just imagined it. “Yeah, I know, but I had a lot of time to think lately. And I might have come to the realization that I don’t know you as well as I thought I did, but I do know you better than anyone else.” Aaron sighed again and glanced at him. Robert didn’t know whether to feel hurt or relieved by Aaron’s confession. “Now that some of the initial anger and shocked have faded I realize that you’re many things, but you’re not a murderer.”

Robert felt his chest swell with something that felt suspiciously like relieve. Maybe this meant that not all was lost, that somehow they could still find their way back to each other. He didn’t really know what made him decide to move, but suddenly he found himself standing in front of Aaron, lifting his right hand to touch Aaron’s cheek, but Aaron dodged his hand and smiled at him dimly.

“But that doesn’t change the fact that we can’t go back to what we were,” Aaron said. “We can never go back.”

Aaron didn’t sound angry or upset, he sounded determined, but at the same time his voice held something soft, like he didn’t want to hurt Robert, like he wanted to soften the blow of his hard words. “I need to find a way back to myself, I want to recover and get better,” Aaron muttered. He took a deep breath and finally met Robert’s eyes, they were filled with regret. For a second all Robert could think was how beautiful Aaron looked, he was never afraid of showing his emotions to the world. Some people would call Aaron weak for showing a side some would call vulnerable, but in Robert’s eyes it made him all the more strong. “But I can’t do that with you in my life, Robert.” 

All though Robert knew that he only had to cross a few feet to touch Aaron, it felt like there was a huge distance between them, one he didn’t know how to cross. “I know,” Robert finally said after a long silence. “I wish I could take it all back. If I’d known beforehand what us being together would cost I never would have kissed you that very first time. I wouldn’t have done any of it.” Robert looked up at the sky that was slowly turning grey with an awaiting rainfall. He was vaguely aware of Aaron closing some of the distance between them. “I wish she was still alive,” Robert muttered, his voice trembling. He could barely get the words out, it felt like something was squeezing his airway together and he couldn’t properly breathe. “Wish I hadn’t pushed her. I never meant for anyone to get hurt, not Andy, not you. I never…”

He wasn’t aware that he was crying until a lost tear fell on top of his right hand. Robert moved his right hand over his cheeks to wipe the wetness from his face, but the tears wouldn’t stop coming. A tentative hand touched his shoulder and Robert had to blink his eyes a few times to clear them so he could look down at Aaron.

Aaron’s expression was carefully composed. “I know,” he almost whispered, his voice rough. For a moment it seemed that Aaron wanted to pull away from him, but instead he let his hand glide across Robert’s back while at the same time pulling Robert’s head down with his hand. Robert let his head fall down on Aaron’s shoulder and turned his head till he could hide his face in the crook of Aaron’s neck. His arms slid around Aaron’s waist and his hands gripped Aaron’s jacket tightly. He was aware of the fact that he was shaking, shaking in Aaron’s arms while his tears left wet spots on Aaron’s jacket. Aaron simply held him, he didn’t make any sound and held himself very still, but he didn’t pull away. 

Robert didn’t know how long they stood like that. All he was aware of was Aaron’s warmth, of the expanding of his chest every time he breathed in and the comforting smell of his deodorant. In that moment it felt like the world had faded, that it was just them, just the two of them alone on this planet. Just those few seconds Robert let himself be happy, let himself believe that it could stay like this forever, that he wouldn’t have to let go of Aaron and that he wouldn’t lose Aaron for good as soon as he pulled away. In that moment he knew that he would never again love someone as much as he loved Aaron. Never again would he feel this completeness, this knowing that he’d met this person that could make him happy like no other ever could. The feeling was filled with regret, cause he’d lost it already, he’d lost Aaron and he would never get him back. 

The sound of a car pulling away both startled them and they pulled apart immediately. Robert could just see the rear of the car disappear out of sight, but that was all he needed to see. “Fuck,” Robert cursed out loud, realizing who’s car it was. 

Aaron, who had had his back facing the pastures turned his head to look, but the car was already out of sight. “Who was that? Do you think they saw us?” Aaron asked. When Robert didn’t answer immediately he glanced sideways. “Robert?”

Robert gave him a quick glance, shaking his head. “No one, it was no one, don’t worry about it.” His eyes moved back to the spot where the car had been standing. “I’ve to go.”

“Robert wait, what’s wrong?” Aaron called after him. 

But Robert didn’t stop or take the time to explain. He’d really messed up this time.


End file.
